2012 - Bring It On...

I've made some adjustments in 2011. Accomplished some goals. Left behind some more drama and unnecessary people.

Now I'm looking forward to 2012. I'm looking forward to conquer more goals. I want to travel more. On my list so far is the Bahamas, DC and NY. If I can, I'll squeeze in N.O. and another trip to Miami. I still need to head to the west coast since I still haven't been that way yet but I'll save that for later. I have to get my bestie over her fear of flying.

Now that I have my apartment, I'm looking forward to some wheels. Marta takes up a lot of time in transit between work and home. That's why I hardly go anywhere else. In this city, you NEED a frickin' car.

I've caught up on my student loans and got myself out of default. Next step, school. Since I just moved, it ain't happening in January. But I'll be damned if summer comes and goes before I get into somebody's class. I got a degree to finish working for and a stage to cross, and I'm not stopping until that happens.

I know I said I gave up on love but there seems to be this little small teeny tiny part of me that keeps holding on to it. I need to get "love" out of my system completely. I don't see love in my future at all. Mostly, because I refuse to open myself up to the possibility ever again. I'm perfectly content with myself.

And I'm going to make working out an everyday priority. Well...almost every day. I've been slowly slimming down a bit so it's time to get started again. Need to tone up and get rid of some man boobs and love handles. Oh and I have to work on the ass a little more. I don't have a damn half a cake back there at the moment.

I may get a second job. Or maybe find one that pays more my worth and skill. I do love the hotel business though. Especially at a hotel in the middle of Midtown Atlanta.

And lastly, I might try this grindr thing out again and open myself to meeting people. Not for hook up reasons either. It seems that's all the gays are looking for these days.

The Best of 2011

Albums:

1. Adele - 21
2. Beyonce - 4
3. Jay-Z & Kanye West - Watch The Throne
4. Jill Scott - Light of the Sun
5. Chris Brown - F.A.M.E.
6. Marsha Ambrosius - Late Nights...Early Mornings
7. Kelly Clarkson - Stronger
8. Big Sean - Finally Famous
9. Robin Thicke - Love After War
10. Kelly Rowland - Here I Am

Songs....well, there are too many so:

1. Adele - Someone Like You
2. Kelly Rowland - Motivation
3. Miguel - Quickie
4. Rihanna - We Found Love
5. Beyonce - 1+1
6. Chris Brown - Beautiful People
7. Jay-Z & Kanye West - Niggas In Paris
8. Kirk Franklin - I Smile
9. Jill Scott - Hear My Call
10. Adele - Rolling In The Deep
11. Beyonce featuring Andre 3000 - Party
12. Lady Gaga - The Edge of Glory
13. Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera - Moves Like Jagger
14. Miguel - Sure Thing
15. Marsha Ambrosius - Far Away
16. Jay-Z & Kanye West - Otis featuring Otis Redding
17. Beyonce - End Of Time
18. Katy Perry - Firework
19. Chris Brown featuring Busta Rhymes and Lil Wayne - Look At Me Now
20. Mary J. Blige - Living Proof

Movies:

1. The Help
2. X-Men: First Class
3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
4. Bridesmaids
5. Fast Five
6. The Rise of the Planet of the Apes
7. Columbiana
8. Kung Fu Panda 2
9. Puss In Boots
10. Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Disclaimer: This is my opinion. Deal with it.

Alone at Christmastime

This is my first Christmas alone. Ever.

Moving into my new place this week is the reason I'm not going home this year. Moving makes you broke.

My mom, sister and niece would have come but they're not able to make it, unfortunately. And my bestie here doesn't celebrate for religious reasons. Plus we both don't have funds to go out lol.

But oh well. All I'll be doing is sleeping, eating pizza, calling the fam and watching movies on my laptop.

There's no Christmas spirit around me at all.

The bright side...NO SNOW!!

So Merry Christmas and all that shit to y'all.

Mission Accomplished...

So I got my own place...finally.

Earlier this week, I finally made the move to accomplish a goal I set for myself earlier in the year. It took some time and research, especially since I needed a place on a MARTA route that could get me to work on time but I made it happen. Of course, there was a little adjustment to that plan that I was hoping to go for but obstacles hindered that, unfortunately.

It's my very first time having a place of my own, for myself by myself. And I am PROUD of myself.

It's really quiet though. TOO quiet.

Thank goodness I have a laptop and a USB wifi thingy for some "innanets".

I have no television or furniture though. May get the TV someday soon. Furniture's coming for free though, lol.

In the meantime, I'll just lay here in the middle of my living room floor on a pallet and come up with color schemes for each room...

Side note: I really wish I could have been able to go the roomie route with one of my best buddies...because it's just TOO quiet lol.

Family Rock

My grandmother and aunts.

Nothing like strong black Creole women that keeps a big...and I mean BIG...family together.

The 2nd from the right is my 2nd mom. To think, just 4 months ago, she was knocking on death's door.

Sigh...

Suddenly, I find myself liking someone. Him...a lot.
But...I've given up on the love & relationship thing.
I'm done with it. Nothing but games, it is.

Should I tell him? Yes, you'll say.
He'll never know though. To my grave, my feelings will go.

Hurt, rejected, disappointed. Led on...
Once was already enough.
But thrice? I'm over love.

Miss out on holding him, kissing him, making love...
Cuffin' season, a "boo"...?
I'm good. Can't miss something I never had.

And the worst part?
He lives in my hometown...half a country away.

Yeah, I'm happy enough as is.
I'll get over it...

Road to 27...

Looking back on the last year of my life as I approach the 27th anniversary of my world debut (yes, I said world debut), I would like to acknowledge the growth and progress that I've made to get where I am now.

Yes, I know I talk too much about mu problems and growth and all that but I don't give a damn so you're just going to have to deal with it.

This time last year I had just come out to my extended family and friends, still struggling with how to live my life as an openly gay man, coming to terms with who I am and adjusting to life in a new city. Yeah, there were some huge changes. But the changes didn't stop there.

I've become more open and outgoing, so much that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. No longer am I this shy guy. I say the firs thing that come to mind, which I better chill out before that gets me into trouble. I've been working to become more independent. I'm living my life and loving the hell out of it. Like everyone I know, I continue to discover a new side of me. Half the time, it shocks the hell out of me.

This last year ha taught me so much about friends and the people I'm supposed to trust. Sometimes you really don't know people and what they can do, and before you know it, you'll end up on the receiving end of bullshit. It taught me a lesson. After re-evaluating some of the relationships in my life, I learned that keeping a smaller circle is best. Some people I had to let go. Some were easy, some weren't. There were a few who showed their true character that made it easy. I had to eliminate the unnecessary drama because there was no place for it in my life anymore. So my circle is small. All I need are my besties: my girls Kena and Nikki, and my crazy bestie bitches Randy, Marcus and Steven. I love them all. The greatest group of best friends I could ever ask for. I honestly really don't want to know what would happen if we were all in the same room together. o_O

I also learned a lot about love. It's all a game. It's bullshit. I pretty much don't believe in it anymore. I mean, for other people, I do but for myself? I don't believe in it. After dealing with all the guys I've come across and the way they treated me, lied or whatever, I'm just done. My walls are back up and staying there. No more believing what any guy says to me. If there ever is a guy that actually means what he says comes my way, he's going to have a hard time trying to get through to me. Good luck with that.

Oh, and 2 of the best additions in my life ----> Jody and Dylan (search the blog lol). Hey, I'm exploring. Well...that and actually getting some.

Every day that you live is a lesson. C'est la vie, che.

Meet Dylan.

Good times ahead.

Here I Am

I'm standing here, right now
Tall, strong...before your eyes
A fighter, a survivor...surprised?
I bet you are

I'm not supposed to be here
Alive, breathing...
But I'm standing here, right now
Should've been gone a long time ago
I should have taken the easy way out
But I'm standing here, right now

You told me I wouldn't make it
Told me I was weak, a punk
But I'm standing here, right now
You said the world was too big for me
It wouldn't be long before I get crushed
But I'm still standing here, right now

You said I was worthless
That no one would give a damn
I wasn't important
And I guess I'm dumb as hell, too

I would never amount to anything
I didn't have any potential
You had no faith in me
Always so quick to put me down
But I'm standing here, right now

You were a phony friend
That slithering snake hissing in the grass
Backstabbing, conniving
Sure talked a lot of shit

Maybe I was a little weak
And I believed it all, silly me
I was bullied and beaten
Stoned, burned and taken advantage of

It's time I rise to the surface
I'm done drowning
I been through too damn much
Even have to fight myself to win

I'm standing here, right now
My head looking toward the clear blue cloudless sky
I throw my fists up in victory
You heard me....I made it
Here I am

Interracial? Me? Hmm...

Funny, I just thought about this.

Me, dating outside my race. A sexy white dude. Maybe Italian or Latino. Never Asian though. Like, I thought about how I've only liked black guys and the only ones I've talked to in hopes of finally getting my first boyfriend or relationship with but it never happened. After being rejected, disappointed, heartbroken and all that other blahzay blahzay...I just gave up on it all. Until just a moment ago.

For a split second, I thought that maybe I need to try talking to guys outside my own race. Maybe it would be better. Maybe one of those guys would actually LIKE me or make the effort to try to be with me instead of spitting bullshit game and leading me on. I love my bruthas but the way they act has completely turned me off trying this dating shit.

I know, I know. They're not ALL the same. But it's just there haven't been ONE brutha I've met that actually wanted to make more than just 'something' happen. By 'something', I mean sex. It seems that's all they want. And that comes with prerequisites: you have to be a certain shade, size, height, build, length and girth, and packing in the trunk. Compared to the ones I see around, I can't even compete at all.

Yeah, I've broken out of my shell and became more open and outgoing but I've already given up on wasting my time with dudes. Yes, ALL dudes. I love my bruthas too much to ditch them for another race.

Maybe I should just get some cats...

When you're not looking...

Not long ago, I’ve decided to stop looking to date or for a relationship. I tried but it wasn’t happening.

Then people tell you this shit: “When you’re not looking is when it will happen.”

I haven’t been looking during 98% of my lifetime and STILL never been on a date or in a relationship.

So the next person that says it when I tell them I’m not (or no longer) looking for someone to be with, I’m punching faces.

7 years...

08.28.04. Three words changed my life.

Seven years ago, 10:23am CT. UT-Austin Jester West dorm. I woke up and saw my roommate was still out. I was feeling great. I was going to get up, shower, get breakfast and hang with my friends. But 10:26am CT, my phone rang. My cousin was asking if I was up…how was I doing…then said: “She’s gone, man.”

My grandmother succumbed to lung cancer, that had spread to her brain and her bones. How did I take it? Let’s just say I threw the phone across the room. After a couple of minutes, I pulled myself together. My mother was going to need me so I needed to be strong for her and my little brother and sister. Packed and made the 3 hour trip back to Houston.

To this day, I still haven’t completely mourned. I hear her voice, her laughter. I can still smell her. I still wait to hear that surprise knock on the door, to see that 1995 blue Dodge Dynasty pull in the driveway 3 days before Christmas filled with gifts and food, to wake up to the smell of Thanksgiving dinner creeping from the kitchen to the my room.

I left for school. The last thing I ever said to her was “See you later, granny.” The call came a week later.

I miss you.

Happy 100th Lucy!

Lucille Ball is my all-time favorite. In fact, her show "I Love Lucy" is my all-time favorite. There's nobody like her. Today marks what would have been her 100th birthday. Lucy passed away in 1989 at 77 years old.

Coming out: One Year Later

July 4th marked the one year anniversary of my coming out process.

Well, it wasn't really me coming out. Just my mom, sister and brother telling me that they know. But it was a good thing and the start of a better life.

I moved to Atlanta and got a job, met a lot of new people. Made new friends, lost a few. I've gained some confidence, although I could gain more. I was able to learn how to be myself without hiding anymore. I became happier.

I haven't been depressed or thought about taking the easy way out.

What's quite surprising though is how bold I've become. I mean, I'm more outgoing but so bold. Yeah, I've been through a lot of changes.

And change has been great. :)

My Top 5 Albums of the Year...

...So far...

5. Chris Brown - F.A.M.E.
4. Jill Scott - Light of the Sun
3. Marsha Ambrosius - Late Nights...Early Mornings
2. Beyonce - 4
1. Adele - 21

Letting you know right now that numbers 1 and 2 are not changing. At all.

**from January to June 2011**

Okay, let's catch up...

So here's what I been up to:

Working. Tumblr-ing. Tweeting. Facebooking...sorta.

Movies I've caught up on: The Tourist (A+); Harry Potter Part 7.2 (A); X-Men First Class (A); Paranormal Activity 2 (C...but the storyline I give major props for connecting everything); Captain America (B); Jumping The Broom (A...Loretta Divine is a time!); I Am Number Four (D); Due Date (B).

Been shopping...as usual. Mostly shoes. Toms. Vans........................Sperry's. I'm an addict. That's step one.

Been drinking. I'm not an addict. It's in my blood. Runs in the family.

My bestie's friend is moving here. Good times in our future.

I missed posting this but July 6th marked a whole year since my move to Atlanta. I'm an official ATLien now. Woohoo! Love it here.

July 26th marked my whole year of working for...the company that I work for. I'm so proud of myself. And so happy to have a job...although, I do hate it sometimes. Blame the people. My coworkers are great though. They give me soap opera drama. No, seriously...they do. If you only knew...

Let's see...what else?

Oh yeah, I finally got fucked. In a threesome. That's all the deets you need to know.

Bye.

A Vacation Was All I Needed...

For the past week and a half, I took a vacation from work and ATL, and decided to go home to Houston and visit family and friends.

It was so great seeing them. Even met up with some friends for the first time. Even connected two of my bestest friends.

I also learned that I'm short for a dude. Like, all of my male friends are taller than I am. Randy, CK, Steven, Peppah. I guess you could say I look up to all of them.

There was one downside though. My lil bro was letting me use his car for during my trip. But towards the end of my vacation I met up with friends at the Jungle (the club is actually called 2020 but it's pretty much like a zoo in there). As I left, I noticed my brother's car was missing. Stolen. I was pissed. My first thought was my brother. It was his car...his FIRST car, which he only had for a couple of months, and one that he bought with his hard earned money and paying a note on. There wasn't even anything drawing attention to be stolen. The fact that some of my clothes, a brand new pair of shoes and my iTouch was in the car didn't cross my mind until the next day. All that mattered was the car.

That night, he texted me: "Go home and rest big bro. Life goes on. I'm just gonna grind a lil harder."

Yeah, I probably was more pissed than he was.

To the assholes that took the car, what goes around...comes around.

Blast from the Past...

So there's this guy I've known since middle school. Well, we used to do a few "things" back then.

A few months ago, we found each other on Facebook (I know, I know) and reminisced about the past and the "good times" we had. We've been talking a lot since then. But lately, the past week, seemed a little different from our normal talks. 

It all started with his comments on my photos from the photoshoot with Deonte K (See previous post). Now, he wants to get to know me...more than he already does. Mind, body & soul. But I had to tell him "friends first" then see what happens from there. Plus, he lives in Denver. I've never had a relationship before so long distance is something I don't know about. That's even scarier.

With my history in these situations, I'm not ready to let my brick walls come down again. I can't do it. He's a great guy and we have that history, and I realize the feelings I had then are still there but I'd rather save myself from getting my hopes up and getting heartbroken and disappointed. If it happens, so be it. All I know is right this moment, I got to protect myself and my feelings. 

I gave up on trying to find and fall in love. I don't want it nor do I care for it anymore. Thanks to all the guys in my past that I could have had a relationship with, I've learned that what they tell you is just a game. Flirting is a game. How or what they feel about you...all lies. 

So I thought maybe I'll play the game, too. Well, just not with him though.

Do you wanna be on Top?

Courtesy of my best buddy Deonte Keller (@DeonteK)

Congratulations. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Model.

People said my hands are big. *hides hands*

Life & Desires

For us to avoid heartbreak and disappointment, we allow ourselves to never let something that could good for us happen. We do that because of our past experiences; it discourages us. We just give up. We stop trying because we don’t want to deal with it anymore. So we force ourselves to believe that we are happy with the way things are, forgetting the one thing we desire is still in our hearts.
Many will say that we will regret that decision of giving up when we get older but that one thing we desire doesn’t define our lives. Its how we live our lives, experiencing and exploring and having fun. Living…that’s what defines your life.
When you get older, you should be able to look back and say, “I’ve lived a great life with no regrets.” No regrets because you stop putting all your energy into that one desire that keeps disappointing you or breaking your heart & into living. Never think you’re a fool for letting your guard down for anything or anyone. Its because of our past that we have good reason to keep it up.
Trust me, it saves us a lot of tears.

Happy Father's Day to this man...

He may not have been around for most of my life but he made the effort starting 6 years ago. All it matters is he’s there now. I didn’t forget about the past but I do forgive him and put it behind me. He is a great man. Although, he started over by getting married and having 2 more kids…my baby brother and sister (not pictured), he’s made some good changes. He stopped drinking, eased on the smoking and working hard to provide for his 2 babies because he didn’t want to repeat the same mistake he did to us. We are a big family. I love you, Dad.


*this picture is over a year old…I look ew*

I don't think I was wrong...

You came to town to visit your two best friends and celebrate your birthday. Called me 2 days after her 2 best friends had made plans to celebrate another visiting friend's birthday. We planned to work around those plans so we could hang out with our best friend.

But, lo and behold, the night before your party...after leaving the club, I decide to call you to see how far you are from town. You proceed to tell me you don't want our best friend at your party because she's acting "funny and fake". I'm in the car with our best friend. I'm in a bad position and can't say anything.

You've been getting jealous for nothing lately. You're mad because our best friend doesn't call you. Well, the phone works both ways. You have no problem calling me then asking what our friend is up to. You're mad because when you moved to another state, our friend and I became closer after you introduced us, and started hanging out a lot. You feel like we just said FUCK YOU like you didn't matter. It was never like that. Fact is, your name came up every time we hung out. We reminisce our crazy moments with you. We wonder if you were here, what crazy thing you'd say or do. Every single time. We love you.

I heard everything you were telling me that night. I couldn't respond while in the car with our friend. You let jealousy get the best of you. The night before your birthday party, you tell me: "You know what, y'all go have your fun. I don't need y'all at my party." Then hang up...in my face.

The day of your party, you call me. A total of 9 times the whole day. 2 voice mails. 5 text messages. I ignored all of it. You're asking if I'm still coming to your party. If our friend is still coming. You let me know that we were on the guest list. You acted like the night before never happened. And you want to know if I'm coming...

You know what? Hell to the no. You basically told me to kiss your ass. You acted like an immature high school child. I don't entertain that drama shit. So no, I didn't go to your party. I love you but, my dear, you need to grow up.

ATL Diaries: (re)Virginity...gone.

Yeah I been kind of busy. So much that I didn't get to tell y'all all about me finally getting some dick.

Yes...after a long (double digit) time period...(no need for you to know exactly how long)...I finally got some DACK!!! (no, I didn't misspell it. I meant DACK...that's DICK with over-excitement)

We did everything short of penetration. I'm kind of glad though because he was huge and thick, and I don't think I was ready to take something that big yet.

I deepthroated. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be considering I have a gag reflex but I can work on that. I was surprised when he let me do something I've never in my life thought I'd ever do: eat him out. I did pretty well if I say so myself. Hell, he LOVED it. And he let me tease his hole with my dick head. That felt so good I wanted to just start fucking him but I didn't. While I did that, at the same time, I saw his dick just laying there, so I started sucking it. I think maybe I can be good at this topping thing. New mission: become a VERS.

And when I say he worked his tongue on me...talk about OVERDRIVE!!!

I'm getting horny enough to start playing with myself just talking about it. I'm gonna leave y'all with that.

ATL Diaries: Last night fun...

Me and my bff Kena went out to celebrate one of her friend’s bday. We ate…drank…drank more…and drank more. And danced. 

I heard Trina’s new song Long Heels Red Bottoms for the first time and loved it. Probably cuz I was a little drunk. Just a lil.

What surprised me is as much as I LOATHE the flop trash known as Run The World, I actually went off. Shoulders, some choreography…the song is cool in a club atmosphere. Still trash.

Our other bff was en route to ATL for her bday and we were planning to hang out and party today but that’s all been scrapped. She decided to start acting stupid and childish, and showed her true colors. She basically told me to kiss her ass and we don’t  So me and Kena are going to do our own thing tonight. Ain’t got no time for the bullshit.

So tonight, me and Kena and her friend are going to the Uptown Comedy club and Echelon. We living life…drama free.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off straight...

I’ve always had girls who wanted to date me but were disappointed to know that I’m gay. My whole life without dating or a relationship…I’ve liked so many guys but can’t seem to get one that likes me or wants to be with me.

But then again, I don’t think I’d be able to like the fish. I'll stick with the dicks.

Eventually...

I'm going to update this thing. I'm still alive and all. So much has been going on in life...even something unexpected but very much needed. You'll be surprised.

Stay tuned.

These insecurities of mine...

I know. I'm starting to sound like a depressed broken record...but I wanted to share this.

I recently uploaded this pic as a new default on Twitter.

Bad enough I don't like to take pictures because I almost always never like how I look. But I chose this because it was the first photo of me with my newly retwisted and longer 'locs'.

Later, while I was on Twitter, I noticed I had just lost a follower. As if on cue, I see a tweet from someone I follow:

"Is it bad that I unfollowed someone because of their avatar? #shallow"

Sure enough, thanks to who.unfollowed.me, I confirmed that he was the one that unfollowed...and it was because of my default pic. When I tweeted him, "lol nah you good", all he could say was "eeeeep!" knowing he had been caught.

That really changed my whole mood for the rest of the evening. I changed the picture and sat looking through every photo of me and not liking what I saw. I know I'm not cute at all but to see that I'm that ugly enough for people to unfollow or de-friend me...

I really wish I could see what most of y'all see in me because I can only see what that person saw.

Enough is enough

From now on, I'm never telling anybody I like them.

Whenever I do, one of the following happens:

• We still remain friends and talk like always
• They’ll pretend as if I never existed
• They’ll say we’re still cool and can hang out but then they ignore you

Guess which 2 happened the most?

After this last person, I’m just done with it all. I don’t even give a damn if they say they like me…I’ve been lied to and led on too many times.

I’ve been single 26 years and abstinent from sex for…[a long ass time]…might as well stay that way.

2011 has been good so far...

...but it's bittersweet.

I've come out of my shell, made a few friends...and a best friend for-fucking-ever. I'd say I've become a completely different person and I've made great progress...but the work isn't over.

I've gained a LOT of confidence but still have insecurity issues.

I can talk to just about anybody immediately upon meeting them. Six months ago, I'd be shy and observant of who the individual is and what they're about. The problem is making the first move on someone I like. That, I've never done before.

I've become bold. I mean, I flat-out asked "date" guy if he wanna do it. (If you're slow to understand what I mean, I'm talking about sex) Yeah, I was planning to wait until I get into a relationship but that's not happening for me anytime soon and I'm horny as hell. I mean, it's been...too damn long already. Long enough for me to be considered a virgin.

Sure, I've gotten rejected twice this year but I've been handling it a whole lot better. The first rejection actually prepared me for the 2nd one. Growing some thick skin here.

But what makes things bittersweet is I've lost to very good friends. Well, one I know for sure but the other I have a feeling. That's been one of my besties and I still consider them so but now it's like I'm not their friend anymore. They've been so short with me lately, giving me nothing but the simple "hey" or "yea" or "lol"...nothing else. We used to greet each other like "heyyyyyy" but they don't even do that anymore. I sit here thinking and trying to figure out what it is that I did or said to make them suddenly stop talking to me, so I can apologize. I don't understand it at all. I miss my bestie so much and I want them back.

The other friend I can understand because it's my fault. It would have been better had I never told him I had feelings for him. I guess it's better that he acts as if I don't exist. It still sucks because I still consider him a friend.

I guess I have to just learn that's the way life plays it's game.

The "Date" guy...

So, things aren't going the way I hoped but to be honest, I kind of expected that to happen, especially given my history with guys I've liked. It sort of prepared me for this moment, I guess.

Follow up to: So...first "date"?

I confessed that I like him a lot. I'm not really sure if he feels the same or not but it doesn't even matter anyway. I don't regret telling him but I felt embarrassed and ashamed for the way it happened, though he told me not to be.

Having just gotten out of a relationship, I can understand why he isn't ready to jump into another one. It's best not to bring the issues of the past into a new relationship. I think that's the best thing to do by resolving those issues, and I have a lot of respect for him wanting to do that.

I would love to wait for him, and I wouldn't mind it, but he probably wouldn't want me to do that. During our conversation about love and relationships, like all my friends, he told me not to give up.

At least we can still be friends and hang out. It still kind of sucks though...

The BK drive-thru boy...

Basically, I've been going to BK for breakfast and then I see this really cute guy. Lance is his name. Since then, I've been going back, just to see him. For a while, we never really speak. Just glance and smile.

One day I left my debit card as I paid for my breakfast so I had to go back to get it. Mind you, I told y’all I go there just to see his lil cute ass sometimes. 

When I went back, we actually started having conversations. So I started going there for lunch on some days. He remembers my green debit card and asks if I paid with it. Once, he joked through the speaker, "You better not pay with that card either." He knows my voice. 

But I’ve noticed lately, every time I pull up to the window, he has this look in his eyes…and the way he smiles. You know, when you make eye contact with someone you like and you have this look that shows interest?

And then I get that same look and that same kind of smile when I see him.

There’s an obvious attraction that’s going on between us. And I’m kind of scared about that. 

I’ve been wanting to give him some type of contact, be it Twitter or maybe my phone number but I’m nervous and scared of actually doing that. I’ve never been the first one to actually make the move. 

Another thing, I still very much like the other guy from my previous post (the date post - more on that later). 

I don’t know if I can go through with it…

Dancing the stress away...

I had so much fun with my best friend last night. We were planning to go to Luckie Lounge until my…well, I don’t really know what to call him yet but the guy I had my first ever date with a few weeks ago told me that we should go to First Friday ATL (obviously one of the best parties in ATL), since he was going to be there. **I think he just wanted to see me but to be honest, I wanted to see him too**

We got there kinda early but we kept dancing from the start to the end. “Him” was late but he was looking so good! My best friend approves. They instantly clicked just like I hoped and his friends were all cool. He bought me drinks.

Laz Alonzo *faints*, Biz Markie and Mannie Fresh were all there.

I'm glad I got out to have fun. I needed to let go of all the stress I've been through lately. I've written some things but I haven't decided if I'm going to post them yet.

*****My bestie texted me talking about how much I was blushing. I was not! Not that much.

Over it all...

I'm really irritated right now.

For the past week I've been so tired and irritated by every little thing. When I get that way, I start over-thinking and over-analyzing everything.

I feel so alone right now. Yeah, I'm talking to a few people here and there but I'm always putting on this smile to hide what's really going through my mind. As much as I try to remain positive and optimistic about everything, there's always something else. Today, a couple of people actually saw through that fake ass smile. One said they will pray for me.

I know I have a few friends but it feels like I don't. Only one here in ATL, while the others that could have been flaked. Well, one I can understand because it's my fault that I opened my big ass mouth about my feelings for him. So I don't blame him for not wanted to know me anymore. All my other friends are out of state. My family is far, too.

I promised I wouldn't give up on dating and looking for love but I'm just over it because it's like it's never going to happen. I meet a guy, get to know him and like him...he flirts. But that's all that happens. He flirts and that's it. It goes nowhere and I'm left to pick up the broken pieces of my face after I realize it. "Keep trying", they say. If not ONE guy I've ever liked, had feelings for or talked to ever liked me back then what's the point? I'm at the point now that I want to delete my Twitter and FB. I could just unfollow and unfriend a couple of people but there's too many mutual friends that I'll never be rid of them completely.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the problem. I feel like I've annoyed people and drove them away. Perhaps I'm not good enough, or cute enough, or worthy enough for anyone to want.

I'm starting to feel like a big waste of space. And no, this is not a suicide letter. I don't have the time for all that.

A couple of movies...

Fast Five

Ever wondered why a movie franchise keeps making sequels that keeps getting worst with each film? Yeah, I felt the same for this one. So naturally, I was skeptical in seeing this but I'm glad I did. Boy, was I wrong! This film was certainly MILES better than the last 2. No, LIGHTYEARS!!! Vin Diesel, my baby daddy Paul Walker, Tyrese, and Ludacris all reprise their roles, teaming up for a big job. Throw The Rock in to the mix and you have a sexy orgy. Well, not really...but they're all sexy. A fucking plus.

Rio

I love family movies. This one, of course, did not fail me. Great funny movie. Go see it! B+

Madea's crazy ass...

Low budget? Obvious.

Horrible acting? Definitely.

Over the top? No doubt about it.

But that's always been the case with Tyler Perry films and Madea's Big Happy Family is no different. What is different, however, is this movie is packed with more humor than drama and religion, and is less focused on having to "send a message" like the previous films. That and the fact that Madea is more prominent throughout the movie too, unlike those same previous movies. Teyana Taylor is a standout as her character is a HOOT! That can be a good thing or a bad thing. You judge. Be prepared for your sides to hurt like hell. Obviously, people loved it since it took in over $25 million during it's opening weekend. Take that, Spike Lee!

Grade: B-

How I spent my Easter?

Oh, get your minds out of the gutter!

It was my first Easter without my family. I miss them a lot. Every time all of us get together, we have the best of times.

Basically, I stayed in and watched a few movies. No egg hunting, no candies...no church. **Forgive me, Lord** Didn't have anything else to do since my bff was out of town and my other bff moved to Philly 5 months ago.

Any other friends here? No. Sad, isn't it? Oh, well. C'est la vie.

I Am My Own Worst Enemy...

I'm always too hard on myself
I try not to be but each time, I fail
Too pessimistic is what they say
That's my view of life everyday

Standing here looking in the mirror
Searching for what others see
Liquid sorrows roll down my face
Ugly is what these eyes see, no beauty

Big lips, wide nose, gapped teeth
Thick, big-boned fat-ass
No six-pack but a keg
No way I'm turning any heads

A compliment here, a compliment there
Nod my head as I just stare
"You're beautiful, sexy and cute"
Somebody must be blind

This love life, or the lack thereof
Sending sweet, beautiful dark chocolates my way
Before I could claim just a small bite
Tall, dark and handsome just keep walking by

So many chances I had
All leading me to believe the games
Now I believe in nothing
Love was never in existence

Lonesomeness takes over
As I lay in this cold king bed
Reaching over into space
Only imagining someone there

Everything I feel is my fault
Nothing else is to blame
My insecurities will still be there
No matter how hard I try to change

Every little critique
Nitpicking every little flaw
Even with all the progress so far
I'm still holding myself back

Constantly fighting this never-ending battle
Anxiously wanting it all to be over
I refuse to go down losing
I'm claiming it, I'll come out with this victory

Maybe I'm over-thinking...

Sometimes I find myself questioning my friendship with others. I wonder if they really consider me as a friend or maybe they're just being nice but don't give a damn at all. When I call a person my friend, I mean that. I never use that term loosely.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm annoying to my friends. Maybe they don't want to be bothered with me. I start reading between the lines and get that feeling they may be saying to themselves, "Why is this nigga talking to me?" or "What this bitch want now?" I get the vibe that they don't really want to talk and that I should leave them alone.

I'm usually always the one that hits them up, the one that speaks first. Then that awkward moment happens until or when they respond. Then there's the awkward moment when it seems like I just don't fit in. Then there's the moment when I feel like I haven't been a good friend. Then there's the moment when I share something with a friend and I lose that friend.

I really don't like the feeling that everybody that I think of as a friend could possibly not think of me as the same. I love all of my friends, unconditionally. No matter what, I'll be there for them when they need me.

Why I always do this to myself, I don't know. Maybe I'm just reading too much into things that I'm just really reaching. I hope that's the case...

Scared of Being Lonely...

This keeps happening

It’s like a cycle

Keeps going round and round

Leading me back where I started

I meet someone

We’ll hang out a few times

Get to know him

I’ll like him…then start falling for him

But then comes the bomb

What I once thought just isn’t

Everything he says is just a flirt

Nothing was real

So I give up on ever finding love

Sometimes I don’t believe in it

My walls are put up

Until someone else comes my way

I get nervous

I get those feelings again

But this time I refuse

I refuse to fall again

This time I like him

But I’m only leaving it as that

Those walls I built I won’t take down

My pride, it’s protecting me

From hurt

From heartbreak

From tears

From this thing we call Love

Finally

This could be my chance

My heart is saying go for it

My mind says “Don’t even”

Sure, I’m scared of being lonely

Never to share this life with the man I could love

But the past keeps punching me in my face

What happens next is all I keep thinking of

What if this time’s a charm?

Maybe I should take the risk

No, I made it this far alone

I’ll go farther on my own

SCRE4M...Back to the basics

This movie was CRAZY!!

While I’ve heard a lot people talking about how good it was, some people were saying it was “just decent”. That, I don’t get. Like, were we watching the same movie? It was GOOD!!

Of course, I was kind of skeptical at first but with Kevin Williamson back as the writer, I just knew it would be hundreds of times better than Scream 3 (which Williamson didn’t write). This was almost on par as the first 2, which were also written by Williamson. What a way to bring back the last of the greatest slasher series in horror movie history, by taking it back to the basics.

It was great seeing Sydney Prescott, Gale Weathers and Deputy Dewey on-screen together again.

New decade, new rules…and a twist that will leave your jaw on the floor.

“Don’t fuck with the original.”

B+

So...first "date"?

I only think it was a date. Me and this guy was supposed to meet several times over the past few months but never got around to it. Last weekend, I unintentionally stayed at my bff’s place all weekend.

So last night we FINALLY went out. He was planning to take me to the gun range originally but that got scraped. Soooooooo, we opted for dinner at Moe’s in Atlantic Station. 

While we ate, we talked…and talked…and talked…

…and talked.

Basically, about everything. From where we’re from, our goals, what we love to do, school, politics, relationships (none of which I ever had), first times, coming out and how our family and friends accepted it (or in some cases not…his case, not mine)….basically, everything.

Then we walked around and talked some more. Making plans about where we should go together. He doesn’t like going to the movies for some reason lol. 

I had a really good time with him. He’s cute, has a good sense of humor…all that good stuff. 

This could possibly be my first date ever. Yes, you read that right. *In Nene voice* EVUH!

He paid for the dinner. So that makes it a date…right?

Scary Dreams

Lately, I've been having these dreams. Very vivid. It happens every night and sometimes when I daydream.

No,  I'm not talking about the sex dreams. That's BEEN over.

These dreams always start with me walking somewhere alone at night (or early morning when it's still dark), whether going home or leaving a party or whatever. And suddenly, I'm approached by a gang of dudes. They were like thugs...sometimes there's 4 of them, other times more.

What happens next disturbs me. "What's up, faggot?" one of them says. It was almost like I knew what would happen. They start to beat the shit out of me then leave me nearly lifeless in a pool of my own blood. Hours later, one of them would come back to make sure I was alive and get help. I end up in a coma for weeks, with the one that came back for me still by my side until I wake up with him being the first face I see.

Then that's it. The end of the dream.

It's been happening repeatedly. I can't help but wonder what could this mean. Usually, when I dream of something happening to me, it always happen to someone I know and close with. I hope this isn't the case.

I'm scared...

Fighting Homophobic Bullying...

An Irish advertisement supporting the fight against homophobic bullying. One word: Amazing.

Wet Dreams...

So...for 4 nights in a row, I've been having very intense sexual dreams about someone...a friend...that I shouldn't have been dreaming about in that way. Of course, I can't control my dreams. I wish I could so it wouldn't have happened more than one night.

But the dreams have had me feeling some type of way. I don't know why I was dreaming about this person like that or what it could have meant. **I'm never giving a name so don't even ask**

It made me feel awkward, especially when one morning after one of the sexual fantasies, I woke up to a text from this person.

However, another friend explained something to me that gave me a perspective on why I was having the dreams:

"You're most open with him and he has qualities you like. So it's not him you want. You just want someone like him to love."

The dreams have stopped since.

So there were these 2 dudes...

Two very sexy European guys that came into the hotel this morning looking for a room. No reservations or anything. Luckily, we did have plenty rooms available. While I was getting them checked in, we were joking about they’re wanting me to charge them half price and all that (as you know, that ain’t gonna happen).

So once I got them all settled. one says to me “Oh man, I love you!”

All I could respond with was “Okay….thanks?”

Then the other says something totally…completely unexpected.

“Could you possibly be bisexual?”

That was me and my co-worker's reaction.

Imagine what my boss' face looked like...

So its long past time for a new banner...

So help me out here.

Hello?

I know y'all are out there....

...Anybody?

Victoria Jackson...

So some supposedly "famous" old bitch named Victoria Jackson has decided to use her so-called "Christian" values to condemn gays and gay rights after watching an episode of Glee where Kurt and Blaine shared an on-screen kiss. Apparently, society and youth innocence is being robbed and destroyed. She even brings up the "Christian's" most prized treasure written by mankind...the Bible. She decided to overlook all the other sins in God's "word" that some dude named James who was a King of something that I don't really care about  wrote as if God sat at the table and told him to write this book...which the timeline spans over thousands of years.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in God. I just don't believe in religion.

But somebody please tell me...who the fuck is this bitch?

If I had talent, I wouldn't want to be famous...

The media and the public will build you up to tear you down.

Once there’s a smudge on your perfect image, that’s all they need to hound you for the rest of your life.

Look at Whitney Houston. The drugs and the Diane Sawyer interview…9 years later, she’s STILL being ridiculed.

Michael Jackson and the child molestation allegations. Even in death, the man cannot rest in peace with all the legal and family drama and financial woes.

Tiger Woods. He screws 13 white women with no condom and have no kids out of wedlock…he’s still going to be asked to talk about it.

Although I’m a fan of Chris Brown (not to confuse with “stan”), I’m not condoning his reactions after the GMA interview. That was very childish. However, Robin Roberts should have respected Chris when he repeatedly tried to redirect the interview’s focus back to his album, emphasis and all. She ignored that and kept pressing the incident issue. That was very rude.

Chris has had his domestic violence classes. Now he needs anger management.

Robin needs lessons on how to respect and lessons in how not to be rude.

Rihanna could use some lessons on speaking English and Ciara could use a job.

Charlie Sheen needs a room in an asylum.

Victoria Jackson can go to hell.

I’m done. *Breezy Voice*

I'm kind of embarrassed by this...

I'm not really a big fan of porn. Usually, I find a good flick, watch it and be done when I get my nut.

Even if it's halfway through the video, I'm done. I don't finish watching it or come back to it later. Just done.

But lately, I've found myself watching videos in its entirety that features one particular guy that goes by the name of Trapboyy.

He's become my favorite porn star...my favorite bottom. The way he just takes that dick and rides it. His videos always get me hot and bothered.

I have to admit: rawdawggin' videos turn me on the most. Trapboyy riding dick raw, even better.

Don't tell nobody but he inspires me to be the best bottom I can be. I said it. I can't believe I just said that but I did. I even follow him on Twitter. *hides in shame* I want to be like Trapboyy.

Not a porn star. You can cut that shit out. I'm talking about his skills.

Now...lemme go repent. Cuz this post....

It's that time of the year again!

I'm at 9 pairs now. More will be added soon. And more Vans...and Chucks.

So that means....socks. Fuck that shit.

And I'll be added a certain white shoe to my collection that no one wears anymore. Classic.

Don't be so surprised...

Why when I always tell someone that I've never been in a relationship, on a date or that I've never been somebody's boyfriend...they respond with shock, surprise, disbelief?

"Omg, you've never had a relationship?" Uh, like, that's what I just said, you dumb ass. Did I miss a memo that I was supposed to be in one? And the assholes that tells me I'm too cute to have been single for so long. Yeah, tell that to the guys that don't even look my way or the guys that rejected me.

Then they ask in my opinion the stupidest question..."Why?"

That brings up old feelings. Pain, heartbreak, rejection...insecurities. I mean, who wants to talk about that, especially when they're trying to remain moved on from it? It's all why I'm still single. So at this point, I don't really give a damn about being somebody's boyfriend. I don't look forward to it either.

So the next time somebody acts all shocked, I'm punching them in the face.

ATL Diaries: Catching up...

So my life is becoming quite a bit active that I haven't really been updating as much.

Well, that and Tumblr is occupying most of my time. But that's not why we're here.

Gym is paying off. I'm now down 8 lbs since starting. I fit in size 38, size XL (notice ONE "x"), my favorite camo shorts now require a belt which still doesn't hold them up, my work uniform is getting too big...or I'm shrinking. I'm on my way!!

One of the new outfits I bought when I went shopping. Yes, the XL shirt and the 38x30 slim straight jeans. Ignore the pose. I just felt damn fabulous that day. And my butt is kind of filling out. *Stares in the mirror*

I've also noticed that I've been gaining some confidence in myself. Yay, me! Now, that doesn't mean I think of myself as sexy, cute, handsome and all those things. It's just some confidence. Until I get a little more, I still consider myself is not cute, sexy, handsome and all those overrated words.

Over the weekend, my bff and I went to the Royal Comedy Tour to see Bruce Bruce, D.L. Hughley, Sommore and some other people I never heard of but they were all frickin' hilarious! Yes, even Mr. Hughley. That was a surprise.

And as you can see, my hair is twisted again. This time I'm trying to let it lock. Three weeks so far. I kinda don't like it now because it seems different from the way I wanted.

What yall think? *btw, it's time for some retwisting of the roots...looking a little rough here*

Anyway, that's the T in the life of AJ. Until next time...

ATL Diaries: Massages and Mexican

Over the weekend, my bff and I decided to get massages because our backs have been killing us from our workout training. She already had the experience and it was my first time so I didn't really know what to expect. There was the robe, which I've never worn one a day in my life...and I had to strip to my undies. Kinda uncomfortable in the presence of women you don't know. Now a sexy man you don't know...

Getting back on point. The massage was GREAT!!! No more back pain. Less tense. An experience I will do again!

Then we went to try this Mexican restaurant called Chepe's. I was a bit skeptical at first because no other place can do real mexican food like Texas. But once I saw that menu, I knew I was about to get some real Mexican...in Georgia!! Maaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!

Enchiladas Mexicanas!!! This bitch was so damn good. Look at it. Look at this shit!!! Dammit, it even just look good.

The Chepe's Margarita. This bitch. This HUGE ass summabitch! This is supposed to be a damn mug. Bitch, this is a muthafuckin' PITCHER! The photo can't even show y'all how big it is but just look at that straw. You see that big Coca-cola glass of water? Man, when I say I was feeling guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuud....

Getting my sexy on...

Yeah, so I joined a gym thanks to my BFF. She needed somebody to work out with and I wanted somebody to motivate me. Time to make some changes and get the look I want.

Besides, one of my besties told me, "If you don't like something, change it."

So I'm trying to change this belly to a washboard, these man boobs to pecs...and I don't care if people said I have a phatty, it's still flat to me...I want a bubble butt, dammit!!

Meet "Jody".

He's there for practice when I finally get my (re-)1st time.

Don't judge me.

A little hope: valentine. (by @iPEPPAH)

Days have elapsed & you’re not here
Months have gone by & you’re miles away
It’s been almost a year &
I still remember your lips
Your smooth skin, your ability to make me shy

I remember when I held you
Your body was so soft
Your skin taste so sweet
I remember kissing your neck
While my hands were around you

Could he be mine one day? I asked myself
Time was against us but
I felt special that morning
Knowing you were right there with me
My world felt untroubled

Reminiscing on the time we had
I wish I could have talked to you more
I wish I could have guarded you longer
I wish I could have whispered more in your ear
I wish our meaningful dialogue would have never ended

I know I’m no longer in the running
I lost the race
I just knew you were too good to be true
So delightful, so enduring, so clever
The person you are, I will soon meet again

Someone like you will enter my universe &
When he comes, I will not forget you
But until he comes
You will remain my intangible valentine
This gave me a little bit of hope when it comes to love after reading. You guys should check out my bestie Peppah's blog for more writings. I swear sometimes it's like he's in my brain. He's very talented. Click for his blog ---> Free.Xonee

A Night at Luckie Lounge...

So last night, me and my bff went to Luckie Lounge for drinks to celebrate her “21st” birthday. Before we even got there, we were cutting up. The waiter asked for our drink orders: she got the Hurricane and I asked for anything with liquor and he brought me something called the “Owwwwt”…says it’ll knock you out. 

Bitch was strong as hell but I was still awake. Then I got a Hurricane but bff couldn’t even finish her one drink lol. For dinner and dessert I had something called the Shrimp and Grits, and Volcano chocolate cake.

I could’t resist taking a pic of bff’s banana bread pudding…or I think that’s what it was called.

For the rest of the night, it was the club scene at Luckie. We danced and acted a fool after a few beers.

We’re supposed to do it again tonight…but I’m still kinda recovering. No hangovers but too many drinks. SMH.

I Smile...

Today's a new day but there is no sunshine
Nothing but clouds and it's dark in my heart
And it feels like a cold night
Today's a new day, where are my blue skies?
Where is the love and the joy that you promised
You'd tell me it's alright
I almost gave up but a power that I can't explain
Fell from heaven like a shower...
So I smile, even when I hurt
See I smile, I know God is working
So I smile, even though I been her for a while
I smile...

I love coming across a song that can describe when I feeling down and it's lyrics can turn it into positivity and uplifting. I've been in that funk for a while and Kirk Franklin's "I Smile" brings me out of it. It's like we've had a conversation. Like he's been all up in my head.

Some things are better left unsaid...

Let's just say that phase couldn't be further from the truth.

You know that moment you have where you do something or say something, and you later regret it ever happening and wish you can take it back. I'm talking that you would give your LIFE to take that moment back. I had that moment a couple of weeks ago.

I dealt with a lot at that time, emotionally. By the way, I'm doing a lot better and taking it day to day. It's going to take some time to get over it completely. It helped to talk about what I was feeling with the person I felt for. Now I wish I could take back everything my big ass mouth revealed. But the damage has already been done.

We've drifted apart. I feel like, because I opened my mouth, I lost a cool good friend that barely speaks to me anymore. Or won't speak to me at all. I lost a cool good friend that won't hang out with me because he'll feel uncomfortable. I lost a cool good friend that probably thinks I'm crazy.

I don't know, maybe I am. And it's all my fault.

I shouldn't have caught feelings. I set myself up to fall. I should have just kept it all a secret. Obviously, I didn't learn the lesson from the first time. But this time, I got it. Will I try dating again? I don't know. Am I going to turn down anyone that tries to talk to me? Probably. Right now, I'm not the least bit optimistic about this dating and love thing. It's just not happening for me, and probably never will.

But if...and that's a BIG "if"...I were to end up in a situation where I have feelings for someone, you can believe that I'm keeping my mouth shut.

So I won't try to talk to or bother [him] anymore. I won't continue to try being friendly as if nothing happened. I want to apologize. I want to tell [him] I'm sorry for telling [him] my feelings. But I know he's not going to listen. I'm pretty sure the "friends" ship sunk faster than the Titanic. Yeah, it sucks but I'm to blame.

If I had to choose just ONE regret in my life, it would be that moment I told him how [him] how I felt about [him]. And now, the damage cannot be undone.

ATL Diaries: Getting out...

Okay, so I haven't really been getting out much in a while. For one, it's been so damn cold, you'd think Hell had frozen. Then there was the snow and ice storm, which I don't do well in. Then there's been me working a lot of OT. Plus, I hate going places on my own. Like, I really hate it.

So I've decided to make a change. This past weekend, I made my way to Buckhead. I walked around Lenox Square for a bit, studying the mall and which stores are there. Gotta know the place for when I'm ready go shopping. After that, I walked down to Barnes and Nobles, picked up E. Lynn Harris' "Basketball Jones" and a political thriller "Dark Horse" (I'm a political junkie). Also, I sat in Starbucks drinking a green tea frappucino and tweeting.

The next day I decided to go to Piedmont Park to start reading "Dark Horse" but little did I know, all the "kidz" were out going to the park. So I decided to sit in Subway, grabbed a bite to eat and started reading. As I was making my way back to the bus stop, some guy with a group of friends decided to try and get my attention by repeatedly yelling, "Aye, homeboy". I completely ignored him and his friends. Just a moment earlier, they were cussing and flipping someone off publicly and loudly. I refuse to give my attention to someone who's mentally still in high school and has lack of respect. It didn't matter how sexy he was. Not happening.

Here it is, only Monday, and I'm already looking forward to the weekend. I want to go out and have drinks someone and catch a movie. I can't just sit in the house all the time anymore. I have to get out there if I want to end up meeting someone. But mostly, I'm just trying to treat myself. #MeTime

The thing about love...

Basically, it's bullshit.

You ever met someone and y'all start "talking" and getting to know each other? You find out that y'all like each other...a lot. You talk about the future, about marriage, about starting a family and how many kids you want. Your feelings grow into something more and you think, "Finally, this is it. This is my chance."

Then you hear those three damn words that dooms everything to hell. "We're just friends." Now, that someone barely talks to you, even when you just say "hi". It's too late. Your feelings are already stronger. You hold on to that last little bit of hope. A change. But it doesn't happen. Instead, you get that final nail in the coffin. You're left heartbroken and shitted on by this so-called "love".

It happened to me. Twice. In fact, the first time, I had already given my virginity then left feeling non-existent. That was almost 11 years ago, the very last time I ever...did it. This time, it never got to that. No, I just got placed into the friend zone. Then my calls and texts stopped being answered. Even my tweets got no response. I became...invisible.

I've been an emotional wreck lately. I think I did something. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not good enough. It doesn't matter now because I've lost. There's possibly someone else in their picture. How do I handle that? How can I just turn these feelings off? Where's the fucking easy button??? If only I can press "Rewind" to the point that I let him in...and not let him in. If only I knew I was going to get hurt again.

But now, it's not going to happen again. I used to want to experience my first love, my first relationship...the dreams I had. I give up.

Dear Love...

Dear Love, you suck.
You said I'll have my chance with you.
Instead, I'm fucked.
Twice now I've been burned by you.
Thought it was finally happening,
Finally, there was someone for me
Only to have the rug pulled from under my feet.
I've been fooled,
I've been played.
Now I'm left with my heart in pieces,
A stream of tears down my cheek.
All the time I've been waiting
You couldn't wait to knock me down.
I'm tired.
I don't feel like getting back up.
I don't want to try again.
Love, I'm giving up on you, once and for all
Whenever you show your face,
I'm turning you away,
No matter the many good intentions you have.
If all you're going to do is hurt me,
I don't want it.
I don't believe in you anymore.
This day going forward, you're non-existent.
Happiness shouldn't leave me broken
But you did.
I know it won't get better,
I know I'll never get that chance.
So I'm just done.
Fuck you.

-A shattered heart.

I had a whole entry ready to post...

But I can't post it. Right now, at this very moment, I am crying my eyes out. I'm an emotional wreck and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I fell in love and didn't know it. I've never had it before. And now [HE] doesn't like me like I thought. It's like [he] doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

Marsha Ambrosius fights for us...

Marsha Ambrosius, "Far Away"

If there was ever a music video that literally had me tearing up, it’s this one. Very powerful, very unexpected. It’s about time that a famous “sistah” showed her support in such a way Marsha just did. I hope to see this video make the countdown on BET but knowing how some ignorant folks could be…


I can't help but think about how the guy at that committed suicide could have been me last year...