Flaws and all...

I’m so over letting my insecurities get the best of me.

It’s time I finally get over that. From here on out, I’m going to try my damn best to just embrace every flaw I have. I’m going to love me for ME.

Imperfect teeth? I’ll love them. 

Big nose? I love it. 

Every roll and jiggly flab? I embrace it all………until I get in shape.

I’ve realized I don’t have to be sexy or handsome or look like these guys we reblog and gag over. 

I’m just going to be ME, dammit. Flaws and all.

I’m still going to get in shape though…

Drifting...

I've been distancing myself from everyone lately.

I'm at this point where I'm not feeling anybody. They've all become too...phony, for the lack of a better word. I'm not really surprised about it anymore. People have shown their true colors. The vibes I've been getting, especially from the same people as before. You know they say, "Go with your gut." Well, this feeling has been using my gut as a punching bag and now I'm paying attention.

People that used to fuck with me, don't do so anymore. Some of them will speak if I initiate the conversation, which really isn't a conversation when I feel as though they're replying out of obligation or that I'm forcing them to communicate. A lot of them, I haven't spoken to in a long while. Frankly, I don't give a damn to. Not anymore. Hell, if anyone wants to talk, they know how to reach me.

I used to sit around and think, "Okay, what did I do? Did I say something? Are they mad at me?" Well, you know what, I'm not the problem. People just don't know how to be real anymore. What I give is what I am. I'm not here to be a part time friend for hire when it's convenient for anyone. Fake a friendship? No ma'am, fuck that. I refuse to be in for just a season.

There are best friends I can go days without talking yet it will always be as if we hang out every single day. There's a best friend that if for one day he hadn't heard from me, he'll text me to make sure I'm okay and assured me that I'll never have to question our friendship. I realize that these are the only people I need in my life. Yeah, my circle just got smaller. Avoiding facebook. Twitter deactivated; in this moment, I feel like letting it completely delete after the 30 days. We'll see then. 

I'm just over it all. There comes a time when you realize you don't need anybody. Just yourself and you'll be fine. Well...*cues "Me, Myself and I"*...time for my life to take a vacation from it all.Good time for some wine...

Beautiful Sunrise

Shuffles from behind

A little stir in the sheets

Your arm embrace me

 

Tingles all over

As your skin contacts with mine

A high, this moment

Soft as cotton balls

Your lips exploring the nape

My sweet spot, my neck

I turn to face you

Gaze into your hazel eyes

Piercing through my soul

Je t'adore, you say

Je veux être avec toi

My soul fills with warmth

A kiss of passion

Your hands caressing my face

As we become one

As a light shines through

You embrace me as we watch

Beautiful sunrise.

Lame.

I know I’m not popular.

I’m not as outgoing or out there. 

Maybe I’m not even THAT funny.

But I thought I was cool people.

Easy going, fun to be around.

But…someone called me “lame”. 

Never have I ever been called such thing.

I thought I was far from it.

They weren’t joking either.

I spent the past 2 years building my confidence…

Becoming the person I am today…

…now, it’s cracked.

Posed the question to a friend - a bestie - “Am I lame?”

That was 14 hours ago…no response.

Now I wonder how everyone feels…

Especially now when it seems my "friends" have been distant lately...

I don't know what love is...

I don't know what love feels like.

I love my family and friends; I just never had THAT love.
I don't know it.

You know, THAT love you see people gush and blush about.
THAT love where you can't talk about him or her without trying to hide your smile.
Supposedly THAT love when you start to miss him or her yet it hadn't been 24 hours since you last saw them.

The one that makes your pulse race and your heart skip beats.
That sends a chill down your spin the moment your skin contacts.

All of that sappy stuff. I shudder even to think about it.

I doubt if I ever get the chance to experience it.

Frankly, I pretty much don't care to know what love is.

2012 - Bring It On...

I've made some adjustments in 2011. Accomplished some goals. Left behind some more drama and unnecessary people.

Now I'm looking forward to 2012. I'm looking forward to conquer more goals. I want to travel more. On my list so far is the Bahamas, DC and NY. If I can, I'll squeeze in N.O. and another trip to Miami. I still need to head to the west coast since I still haven't been that way yet but I'll save that for later. I have to get my bestie over her fear of flying.

Now that I have my apartment, I'm looking forward to some wheels. Marta takes up a lot of time in transit between work and home. That's why I hardly go anywhere else. In this city, you NEED a frickin' car.

I've caught up on my student loans and got myself out of default. Next step, school. Since I just moved, it ain't happening in January. But I'll be damned if summer comes and goes before I get into somebody's class. I got a degree to finish working for and a stage to cross, and I'm not stopping until that happens.

I know I said I gave up on love but there seems to be this little small teeny tiny part of me that keeps holding on to it. I need to get "love" out of my system completely. I don't see love in my future at all. Mostly, because I refuse to open myself up to the possibility ever again. I'm perfectly content with myself.

And I'm going to make working out an everyday priority. Well...almost every day. I've been slowly slimming down a bit so it's time to get started again. Need to tone up and get rid of some man boobs and love handles. Oh and I have to work on the ass a little more. I don't have a damn half a cake back there at the moment.

I may get a second job. Or maybe find one that pays more my worth and skill. I do love the hotel business though. Especially at a hotel in the middle of Midtown Atlanta.

And lastly, I might try this grindr thing out again and open myself to meeting people. Not for hook up reasons either. It seems that's all the gays are looking for these days.

Alone at Christmastime

This is my first Christmas alone. Ever.

Moving into my new place this week is the reason I'm not going home this year. Moving makes you broke.

My mom, sister and niece would have come but they're not able to make it, unfortunately. And my bestie here doesn't celebrate for religious reasons. Plus we both don't have funds to go out lol.

But oh well. All I'll be doing is sleeping, eating pizza, calling the fam and watching movies on my laptop.

There's no Christmas spirit around me at all.

The bright side...NO SNOW!!

So Merry Christmas and all that shit to y'all.

Mission Accomplished...

So I got my own place...finally.

Earlier this week, I finally made the move to accomplish a goal I set for myself earlier in the year. It took some time and research, especially since I needed a place on a MARTA route that could get me to work on time but I made it happen. Of course, there was a little adjustment to that plan that I was hoping to go for but obstacles hindered that, unfortunately.

It's my very first time having a place of my own, for myself by myself. And I am PROUD of myself.

It's really quiet though. TOO quiet.

Thank goodness I have a laptop and a USB wifi thingy for some "innanets".

I have no television or furniture though. May get the TV someday soon. Furniture's coming for free though, lol.

In the meantime, I'll just lay here in the middle of my living room floor on a pallet and come up with color schemes for each room...

Side note: I really wish I could have been able to go the roomie route with one of my best buddies...because it's just TOO quiet lol.

Sigh...

Suddenly, I find myself liking someone. Him...a lot.
But...I've given up on the love & relationship thing.
I'm done with it. Nothing but games, it is.

Should I tell him? Yes, you'll say.
He'll never know though. To my grave, my feelings will go.

Hurt, rejected, disappointed. Led on...
Once was already enough.
But thrice? I'm over love.

Miss out on holding him, kissing him, making love...
Cuffin' season, a "boo"...?
I'm good. Can't miss something I never had.

And the worst part?
He lives in my hometown...half a country away.

Yeah, I'm happy enough as is.
I'll get over it...

Road to 27...

Looking back on the last year of my life as I approach the 27th anniversary of my world debut (yes, I said world debut), I would like to acknowledge the growth and progress that I've made to get where I am now.

Yes, I know I talk too much about mu problems and growth and all that but I don't give a damn so you're just going to have to deal with it.

This time last year I had just come out to my extended family and friends, still struggling with how to live my life as an openly gay man, coming to terms with who I am and adjusting to life in a new city. Yeah, there were some huge changes. But the changes didn't stop there.

I've become more open and outgoing, so much that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. No longer am I this shy guy. I say the firs thing that come to mind, which I better chill out before that gets me into trouble. I've been working to become more independent. I'm living my life and loving the hell out of it. Like everyone I know, I continue to discover a new side of me. Half the time, it shocks the hell out of me.

This last year ha taught me so much about friends and the people I'm supposed to trust. Sometimes you really don't know people and what they can do, and before you know it, you'll end up on the receiving end of bullshit. It taught me a lesson. After re-evaluating some of the relationships in my life, I learned that keeping a smaller circle is best. Some people I had to let go. Some were easy, some weren't. There were a few who showed their true character that made it easy. I had to eliminate the unnecessary drama because there was no place for it in my life anymore. So my circle is small. All I need are my besties: my girls Kena and Nikki, and my crazy bestie bitches Randy, Marcus and Steven. I love them all. The greatest group of best friends I could ever ask for. I honestly really don't want to know what would happen if we were all in the same room together. o_O

I also learned a lot about love. It's all a game. It's bullshit. I pretty much don't believe in it anymore. I mean, for other people, I do but for myself? I don't believe in it. After dealing with all the guys I've come across and the way they treated me, lied or whatever, I'm just done. My walls are back up and staying there. No more believing what any guy says to me. If there ever is a guy that actually means what he says comes my way, he's going to have a hard time trying to get through to me. Good luck with that.

Oh, and 2 of the best additions in my life ----> Jody and Dylan (search the blog lol). Hey, I'm exploring. Well...that and actually getting some.

Every day that you live is a lesson. C'est la vie, che.

Interracial? Me? Hmm...

Funny, I just thought about this.

Me, dating outside my race. A sexy white dude. Maybe Italian or Latino. Never Asian though. Like, I thought about how I've only liked black guys and the only ones I've talked to in hopes of finally getting my first boyfriend or relationship with but it never happened. After being rejected, disappointed, heartbroken and all that other blahzay blahzay...I just gave up on it all. Until just a moment ago.

For a split second, I thought that maybe I need to try talking to guys outside my own race. Maybe it would be better. Maybe one of those guys would actually LIKE me or make the effort to try to be with me instead of spitting bullshit game and leading me on. I love my bruthas but the way they act has completely turned me off trying this dating shit.

I know, I know. They're not ALL the same. But it's just there haven't been ONE brutha I've met that actually wanted to make more than just 'something' happen. By 'something', I mean sex. It seems that's all they want. And that comes with prerequisites: you have to be a certain shade, size, height, build, length and girth, and packing in the trunk. Compared to the ones I see around, I can't even compete at all.

Yeah, I've broken out of my shell and became more open and outgoing but I've already given up on wasting my time with dudes. Yes, ALL dudes. I love my bruthas too much to ditch them for another race.

Maybe I should just get some cats...

When you're not looking...

Not long ago, I’ve decided to stop looking to date or for a relationship. I tried but it wasn’t happening.

Then people tell you this shit: “When you’re not looking is when it will happen.”

I haven’t been looking during 98% of my lifetime and STILL never been on a date or in a relationship.

So the next person that says it when I tell them I’m not (or no longer) looking for someone to be with, I’m punching faces.

7 years...

08.28.04. Three words changed my life.

Seven years ago, 10:23am CT. UT-Austin Jester West dorm. I woke up and saw my roommate was still out. I was feeling great. I was going to get up, shower, get breakfast and hang with my friends. But 10:26am CT, my phone rang. My cousin was asking if I was up…how was I doing…then said: “She’s gone, man.”

My grandmother succumbed to lung cancer, that had spread to her brain and her bones. How did I take it? Let’s just say I threw the phone across the room. After a couple of minutes, I pulled myself together. My mother was going to need me so I needed to be strong for her and my little brother and sister. Packed and made the 3 hour trip back to Houston.

To this day, I still haven’t completely mourned. I hear her voice, her laughter. I can still smell her. I still wait to hear that surprise knock on the door, to see that 1995 blue Dodge Dynasty pull in the driveway 3 days before Christmas filled with gifts and food, to wake up to the smell of Thanksgiving dinner creeping from the kitchen to the my room.

I left for school. The last thing I ever said to her was “See you later, granny.” The call came a week later.

I miss you.

Coming out: One Year Later

July 4th marked the one year anniversary of my coming out process.

Well, it wasn't really me coming out. Just my mom, sister and brother telling me that they know. But it was a good thing and the start of a better life.

I moved to Atlanta and got a job, met a lot of new people. Made new friends, lost a few. I've gained some confidence, although I could gain more. I was able to learn how to be myself without hiding anymore. I became happier.

I haven't been depressed or thought about taking the easy way out.

What's quite surprising though is how bold I've become. I mean, I'm more outgoing but so bold. Yeah, I've been through a lot of changes.

And change has been great. :)

My Top 5 Albums of the Year...

...So far...

5. Chris Brown - F.A.M.E.
4. Jill Scott - Light of the Sun
3. Marsha Ambrosius - Late Nights...Early Mornings
2. Beyonce - 4
1. Adele - 21

Letting you know right now that numbers 1 and 2 are not changing. At all.

**from January to June 2011**

Okay, let's catch up...

So here's what I been up to:

Working. Tumblr-ing. Tweeting. Facebooking...sorta.

Movies I've caught up on: The Tourist (A+); Harry Potter Part 7.2 (A); X-Men First Class (A); Paranormal Activity 2 (C...but the storyline I give major props for connecting everything); Captain America (B); Jumping The Broom (A...Loretta Divine is a time!); I Am Number Four (D); Due Date (B).

Been shopping...as usual. Mostly shoes. Toms. Vans........................Sperry's. I'm an addict. That's step one.

Been drinking. I'm not an addict. It's in my blood. Runs in the family.

My bestie's friend is moving here. Good times in our future.

I missed posting this but July 6th marked a whole year since my move to Atlanta. I'm an official ATLien now. Woohoo! Love it here.

July 26th marked my whole year of working for...the company that I work for. I'm so proud of myself. And so happy to have a job...although, I do hate it sometimes. Blame the people. My coworkers are great though. They give me soap opera drama. No, seriously...they do. If you only knew...

Let's see...what else?

Oh yeah, I finally got fucked. In a threesome. That's all the deets you need to know.

Bye.

A Vacation Was All I Needed...

For the past week and a half, I took a vacation from work and ATL, and decided to go home to Houston and visit family and friends.

It was so great seeing them. Even met up with some friends for the first time. Even connected two of my bestest friends.

I also learned that I'm short for a dude. Like, all of my male friends are taller than I am. Randy, CK, Steven, Peppah. I guess you could say I look up to all of them.

There was one downside though. My lil bro was letting me use his car for during my trip. But towards the end of my vacation I met up with friends at the Jungle (the club is actually called 2020 but it's pretty much like a zoo in there). As I left, I noticed my brother's car was missing. Stolen. I was pissed. My first thought was my brother. It was his car...his FIRST car, which he only had for a couple of months, and one that he bought with his hard earned money and paying a note on. There wasn't even anything drawing attention to be stolen. The fact that some of my clothes, a brand new pair of shoes and my iTouch was in the car didn't cross my mind until the next day. All that mattered was the car.

That night, he texted me: "Go home and rest big bro. Life goes on. I'm just gonna grind a lil harder."

Yeah, I probably was more pissed than he was.

To the assholes that took the car, what goes around...comes around.

Blast from the Past...

So there's this guy I've known since middle school. Well, we used to do a few "things" back then.

A few months ago, we found each other on Facebook (I know, I know) and reminisced about the past and the "good times" we had. We've been talking a lot since then. But lately, the past week, seemed a little different from our normal talks. 

It all started with his comments on my photos from the photoshoot with Deonte K (See previous post). Now, he wants to get to know me...more than he already does. Mind, body & soul. But I had to tell him "friends first" then see what happens from there. Plus, he lives in Denver. I've never had a relationship before so long distance is something I don't know about. That's even scarier.

With my history in these situations, I'm not ready to let my brick walls come down again. I can't do it. He's a great guy and we have that history, and I realize the feelings I had then are still there but I'd rather save myself from getting my hopes up and getting heartbroken and disappointed. If it happens, so be it. All I know is right this moment, I got to protect myself and my feelings. 

I gave up on trying to find and fall in love. I don't want it nor do I care for it anymore. Thanks to all the guys in my past that I could have had a relationship with, I've learned that what they tell you is just a game. Flirting is a game. How or what they feel about you...all lies. 

So I thought maybe I'll play the game, too. Well, just not with him though.

Life & Desires

For us to avoid heartbreak and disappointment, we allow ourselves to never let something that could good for us happen. We do that because of our past experiences; it discourages us. We just give up. We stop trying because we don’t want to deal with it anymore. So we force ourselves to believe that we are happy with the way things are, forgetting the one thing we desire is still in our hearts.
Many will say that we will regret that decision of giving up when we get older but that one thing we desire doesn’t define our lives. Its how we live our lives, experiencing and exploring and having fun. Living…that’s what defines your life.
When you get older, you should be able to look back and say, “I’ve lived a great life with no regrets.” No regrets because you stop putting all your energy into that one desire that keeps disappointing you or breaking your heart & into living. Never think you’re a fool for letting your guard down for anything or anyone. Its because of our past that we have good reason to keep it up.
Trust me, it saves us a lot of tears.

Happy Father's Day to this man...

He may not have been around for most of my life but he made the effort starting 6 years ago. All it matters is he’s there now. I didn’t forget about the past but I do forgive him and put it behind me. He is a great man. Although, he started over by getting married and having 2 more kids…my baby brother and sister (not pictured), he’s made some good changes. He stopped drinking, eased on the smoking and working hard to provide for his 2 babies because he didn’t want to repeat the same mistake he did to us. We are a big family. I love you, Dad.


*this picture is over a year old…I look ew*