Love doesn't live here...

A few months ago, I said I have given up on love.

It seems like suddenly, I'm seeing and hearing all this talk about "love" everywhere. Texts, phone, twitter, tumblr, facebook...you name it. Everybody is either looking for it or found it. Even if it isn't love, they're bragging about being "boo'ed up".

I'm not really bitter about it. I actually genuinely smile for those that found their "love". It makes me happy to see most people still searching for it, and I admire them for not giving up. But for myself, I no longer have this feeling of desire or longing for love. No longer do I believe in love, and after my past experiences trying and hoping to find it, I don't think I'll ever believe again.

When you're not looking...

Not long ago, I’ve decided to stop looking to date or for a relationship. I tried but it wasn’t happening.

Then people tell you this shit: “When you’re not looking is when it will happen.”

I haven’t been looking during 98% of my lifetime and STILL never been on a date or in a relationship.

So the next person that says it when I tell them I’m not (or no longer) looking for someone to be with, I’m punching faces.

Blast from the Past...

So there's this guy I've known since middle school. Well, we used to do a few "things" back then.

A few months ago, we found each other on Facebook (I know, I know) and reminisced about the past and the "good times" we had. We've been talking a lot since then. But lately, the past week, seemed a little different from our normal talks. 

It all started with his comments on my photos from the photoshoot with Deonte K (See previous post). Now, he wants to get to know me...more than he already does. Mind, body & soul. But I had to tell him "friends first" then see what happens from there. Plus, he lives in Denver. I've never had a relationship before so long distance is something I don't know about. That's even scarier.

With my history in these situations, I'm not ready to let my brick walls come down again. I can't do it. He's a great guy and we have that history, and I realize the feelings I had then are still there but I'd rather save myself from getting my hopes up and getting heartbroken and disappointed. If it happens, so be it. All I know is right this moment, I got to protect myself and my feelings. 

I gave up on trying to find and fall in love. I don't want it nor do I care for it anymore. Thanks to all the guys in my past that I could have had a relationship with, I've learned that what they tell you is just a game. Flirting is a game. How or what they feel about you...all lies. 

So I thought maybe I'll play the game, too. Well, just not with him though.

The "Date" guy...

So, things aren't going the way I hoped but to be honest, I kind of expected that to happen, especially given my history with guys I've liked. It sort of prepared me for this moment, I guess.

Follow up to: So...first "date"?

I confessed that I like him a lot. I'm not really sure if he feels the same or not but it doesn't even matter anyway. I don't regret telling him but I felt embarrassed and ashamed for the way it happened, though he told me not to be.

Having just gotten out of a relationship, I can understand why he isn't ready to jump into another one. It's best not to bring the issues of the past into a new relationship. I think that's the best thing to do by resolving those issues, and I have a lot of respect for him wanting to do that.

I would love to wait for him, and I wouldn't mind it, but he probably wouldn't want me to do that. During our conversation about love and relationships, like all my friends, he told me not to give up.

At least we can still be friends and hang out. It still kind of sucks though...

The BK drive-thru boy...

Basically, I've been going to BK for breakfast and then I see this really cute guy. Lance is his name. Since then, I've been going back, just to see him. For a while, we never really speak. Just glance and smile.

One day I left my debit card as I paid for my breakfast so I had to go back to get it. Mind you, I told y’all I go there just to see his lil cute ass sometimes. 

When I went back, we actually started having conversations. So I started going there for lunch on some days. He remembers my green debit card and asks if I paid with it. Once, he joked through the speaker, "You better not pay with that card either." He knows my voice. 

But I’ve noticed lately, every time I pull up to the window, he has this look in his eyes…and the way he smiles. You know, when you make eye contact with someone you like and you have this look that shows interest?

And then I get that same look and that same kind of smile when I see him.

There’s an obvious attraction that’s going on between us. And I’m kind of scared about that. 

I’ve been wanting to give him some type of contact, be it Twitter or maybe my phone number but I’m nervous and scared of actually doing that. I’ve never been the first one to actually make the move. 

Another thing, I still very much like the other guy from my previous post (the date post - more on that later). 

I don’t know if I can go through with it…

So...first "date"?

I only think it was a date. Me and this guy was supposed to meet several times over the past few months but never got around to it. Last weekend, I unintentionally stayed at my bff’s place all weekend.

So last night we FINALLY went out. He was planning to take me to the gun range originally but that got scraped. Soooooooo, we opted for dinner at Moe’s in Atlantic Station. 

While we ate, we talked…and talked…and talked…

…and talked.

Basically, about everything. From where we’re from, our goals, what we love to do, school, politics, relationships (none of which I ever had), first times, coming out and how our family and friends accepted it (or in some cases not…his case, not mine)….basically, everything.

Then we walked around and talked some more. Making plans about where we should go together. He doesn’t like going to the movies for some reason lol. 

I had a really good time with him. He’s cute, has a good sense of humor…all that good stuff. 

This could possibly be my first date ever. Yes, you read that right. *In Nene voice* EVUH!

He paid for the dinner. So that makes it a date…right?

Don't be so surprised...

Why when I always tell someone that I've never been in a relationship, on a date or that I've never been somebody's boyfriend...they respond with shock, surprise, disbelief?

"Omg, you've never had a relationship?" Uh, like, that's what I just said, you dumb ass. Did I miss a memo that I was supposed to be in one? And the assholes that tells me I'm too cute to have been single for so long. Yeah, tell that to the guys that don't even look my way or the guys that rejected me.

Then they ask in my opinion the stupidest question..."Why?"

That brings up old feelings. Pain, heartbreak, rejection...insecurities. I mean, who wants to talk about that, especially when they're trying to remain moved on from it? It's all why I'm still single. So at this point, I don't really give a damn about being somebody's boyfriend. I don't look forward to it either.

So the next time somebody acts all shocked, I'm punching them in the face.

A little hope: valentine. (by @iPEPPAH)

Days have elapsed & you’re not here
Months have gone by & you’re miles away
It’s been almost a year &
I still remember your lips
Your smooth skin, your ability to make me shy

I remember when I held you
Your body was so soft
Your skin taste so sweet
I remember kissing your neck
While my hands were around you

Could he be mine one day? I asked myself
Time was against us but
I felt special that morning
Knowing you were right there with me
My world felt untroubled

Reminiscing on the time we had
I wish I could have talked to you more
I wish I could have guarded you longer
I wish I could have whispered more in your ear
I wish our meaningful dialogue would have never ended

I know I’m no longer in the running
I lost the race
I just knew you were too good to be true
So delightful, so enduring, so clever
The person you are, I will soon meet again

Someone like you will enter my universe &
When he comes, I will not forget you
But until he comes
You will remain my intangible valentine
This gave me a little bit of hope when it comes to love after reading. You guys should check out my bestie Peppah's blog for more writings. I swear sometimes it's like he's in my brain. He's very talented. Click for his blog ---> Free.Xonee

Some things are better left unsaid...

Let's just say that phase couldn't be further from the truth.

You know that moment you have where you do something or say something, and you later regret it ever happening and wish you can take it back. I'm talking that you would give your LIFE to take that moment back. I had that moment a couple of weeks ago.

I dealt with a lot at that time, emotionally. By the way, I'm doing a lot better and taking it day to day. It's going to take some time to get over it completely. It helped to talk about what I was feeling with the person I felt for. Now I wish I could take back everything my big ass mouth revealed. But the damage has already been done.

We've drifted apart. I feel like, because I opened my mouth, I lost a cool good friend that barely speaks to me anymore. Or won't speak to me at all. I lost a cool good friend that won't hang out with me because he'll feel uncomfortable. I lost a cool good friend that probably thinks I'm crazy.

I don't know, maybe I am. And it's all my fault.

I shouldn't have caught feelings. I set myself up to fall. I should have just kept it all a secret. Obviously, I didn't learn the lesson from the first time. But this time, I got it. Will I try dating again? I don't know. Am I going to turn down anyone that tries to talk to me? Probably. Right now, I'm not the least bit optimistic about this dating and love thing. It's just not happening for me, and probably never will.

But if...and that's a BIG "if"...I were to end up in a situation where I have feelings for someone, you can believe that I'm keeping my mouth shut.

So I won't try to talk to or bother [him] anymore. I won't continue to try being friendly as if nothing happened. I want to apologize. I want to tell [him] I'm sorry for telling [him] my feelings. But I know he's not going to listen. I'm pretty sure the "friends" ship sunk faster than the Titanic. Yeah, it sucks but I'm to blame.

If I had to choose just ONE regret in my life, it would be that moment I told him how [him] how I felt about [him]. And now, the damage cannot be undone.

The thing about love...

Basically, it's bullshit.

You ever met someone and y'all start "talking" and getting to know each other? You find out that y'all like each other...a lot. You talk about the future, about marriage, about starting a family and how many kids you want. Your feelings grow into something more and you think, "Finally, this is it. This is my chance."

Then you hear those three damn words that dooms everything to hell. "We're just friends." Now, that someone barely talks to you, even when you just say "hi". It's too late. Your feelings are already stronger. You hold on to that last little bit of hope. A change. But it doesn't happen. Instead, you get that final nail in the coffin. You're left heartbroken and shitted on by this so-called "love".

It happened to me. Twice. In fact, the first time, I had already given my virginity then left feeling non-existent. That was almost 11 years ago, the very last time I ever...did it. This time, it never got to that. No, I just got placed into the friend zone. Then my calls and texts stopped being answered. Even my tweets got no response. I became...invisible.

I've been an emotional wreck lately. I think I did something. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not good enough. It doesn't matter now because I've lost. There's possibly someone else in their picture. How do I handle that? How can I just turn these feelings off? Where's the fucking easy button??? If only I can press "Rewind" to the point that I let him in...and not let him in. If only I knew I was going to get hurt again.

But now, it's not going to happen again. I used to want to experience my first love, my first relationship...the dreams I had. I give up.

Dear Love...

Dear Love, you suck.
You said I'll have my chance with you.
Instead, I'm fucked.
Twice now I've been burned by you.
Thought it was finally happening,
Finally, there was someone for me
Only to have the rug pulled from under my feet.
I've been fooled,
I've been played.
Now I'm left with my heart in pieces,
A stream of tears down my cheek.
All the time I've been waiting
You couldn't wait to knock me down.
I'm tired.
I don't feel like getting back up.
I don't want to try again.
Love, I'm giving up on you, once and for all
Whenever you show your face,
I'm turning you away,
No matter the many good intentions you have.
If all you're going to do is hurt me,
I don't want it.
I don't believe in you anymore.
This day going forward, you're non-existent.
Happiness shouldn't leave me broken
But you did.
I know it won't get better,
I know I'll never get that chance.
So I'm just done.
Fuck you.

-A shattered heart.

Single for the rest of my life?

After some thought, I decided I'd rather be single. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'll be lonely, sad and horny all the time...blah blah blah. Well, Palmer and Handrew have been just fine for me for this long.

Okay, I'm kidding.

I'm just at the point where I believe being boo'd up is overrated. Love is a bitch, too. I hate to be cliche but it's true. I've always feared rejection, and it happened more than I liked this year alone. Hell, one I even fell for and it took a while to get over. Either I've been misreading signals or...whatever. From now on, I think I'll just beware of anyone supposedly showing interest and keep my feelings to myself.

Who knows what the future holds...

My best friend asked me about interracial relationships...

…because she has a crush on this white guy she works with. 

My response: “Think about my dad and my stepmom. Then think about my little brother and sister. Not to mention that I, myself, am mixed and so is most of my family. What do YOU think I think about interracial dating?”

In the year 2010, why is there still a concern about interracial dating? Funny thing though…isn’t it always the black women who are up in arms when they see a black man with a woman of any other race? People need to step outside of skin color. Love knows no boundaries. 

Or at least getting some good sex doesn’t…

Love Knocks You Down...

Have you ever grew strong feelings of like for someone that you want to be with them? The two of you talk for a while, start hanging out...having intimate moments of conversation. You reveal your feelings to them and they somewhat vaguely tell you in a why they like you. Crazy feelings of emotions you go through you've never experienced before. However, you agree to remain on the friends level but hope somewhere in the very near future, you'll become more than just friends.

It doesn't happen. They meet someone else and introduce you to them. You play nice like everything is fine. But it's not. Or you start to realize that maybe they just don't want you. You're hurt, broken-hearted and torn apart. You feel all kinds of emotions you've never felt before.

I've been there once before and it feels like I'm there again. I don't want to be. Why is it so hard to let it go?

Is it wrong?

If you’re talking to someone and you’re not sure whether you two are dating, though you like that person but they haven’t shown any signs of wanting to be more than friends…is it wrong to have a one night stand with someone else, even if you didn’t have feelings for them? Would you feel guilty, like you’ve cheated? What if you did but you later find out the person you like actually does want to be more than friends?

Man that would suck. All I can say is "Damn."

What do you think?

Black Women are mad...again!

So, earlier I was sitting here watching Miss Jia and Slim Thug go back and forth on…Twitter. (I'm on Twitter break but took a lil peak)

I'm guessing she mad.

You see, Slim authored a blog entry (yep, you read that right) for Vibe Online on the subject of black women and there high standards. Basically, he touched on how they have too high/unrealistic standards when looking for love among black men, their anger and bitterness, and blaming black men for their relationship issues. He also touched on the subject of interracial dating and white women, and how black men AND black women need to step their game up.

So Miss Jia naturally, like most black women, got MAD and started her post on the issue with the statement: I am so sick of everybody in the world trying to psychoanalyze Black women and why we’re single.
Um, y'all been doing it to yourselves AND to black men. For YEARS!! And was there NOT interviews and specials on the relationship issues and black men featuring BLACK WOMEN aired 20/20, Nightline, MSNBC etc.?


What Miss Jia got from reading his blog: Black women ain’t sh-t. 
Talking about REACHIN'! Hell-fuckin-lo!!!!! I could have sworn I've heard, read and saw black women saying practically everyday that same exact thing about us black men.


I'm trying to understand why is it okay for black women to diss, generalize and psychoanalyze all black men (in their words "black men ain't shit") but it's a problem if black men do the same about black women? I mean, they get MAD. Kinda stupid, isn't it? 


Now let me be honest, it does go BOTH ways but 98 percent of the time its the women. Let a dude say ONE thing, women will practically jump him. They get pretty hostile and angry if/when the situation is reversed, like it's okay for them to do it but not okay for black men to do it.


But I 've come to realize that most black women, and this isn't a generalization, are negative. All they speak is negativity but they damn sure don't like it when it's directed at them.


Lemme say this to both black women AND men: STOP DOWNING AND DISSING YOUR OWN PEOPLE! If you don't like being generalized negatively, don't do the same to anyone else. I swear black people are the most negative group on this planet. 
  

I got married because being single sucks...

My sister asked this question on the dreaded ol’ Facebook: “Would you rather be single or married? Please explain.”

From the “married/boo’d up” side, I’ve read such answers that they prefer to be in a relationship. They’re reasons: avoid diseases and drama, being happy and it's joyful, enjoying the company, finally having someone to spend your life with. They believe that no one wants to be alone forever, spending lonely days and lonely nights without a significant other. One even stated that even if you get an STD, at least you know who gave it to you. o_O Huh???

And of course, they made being single seem like a bad, horrible thing that is boring. Now I respect other people's opinion and how they feel but half those answers were pretty...well, stupid.

The single side have stated mostly that, while they do hope to be in a relationship in the future, they are content or happy with being single at the moment and that happiness should not be defined by who you're with but it should come from within yourself. Before I posted my opinion on the subject matter the one answer that stuck out to me was this:

 

I personally think it's all about the point of preference. We may think that no one wants to be alone but that's not so entirely true.

Some people don't need to have or depend on having a significant other to be complete or content in life; they only need God. Think about it. If you have to depend on having someone in your life to love and love you back in order to be happy then you really should reevaluate things and redefine yourself as a Christian because God should come before any man or woman when it comes to happiness and contentment. You need to be secure within yourself; happiness should come from within YOU...not another person.

To be honest, in my opinion, marriage isn't really a necessity. These days, a marriage license just seems like a simple piece of paper, a contract. More than half of them fail anyway. True, no matter how long you and your spouse are together, you go through rough patches. Sometimes you're lucky enough to work through it but, most of the time, couples don't make it and they head to the courthouse. You never know what happens in the future. Yes - diseases, affairs, adultery, abuse, falling out of love - these things happen...single or married. You may think that in the single life there's drama but the truth is there's double that drama in married life. Why go through it over and over and over again? Remember what Madea aka Tyler Perry said in the play, "There's no reason for you to be unhappy in YOUR house. If whomever is making you unhappy cannot fix the problem then they gotta go." Half the people who are still married after many rough patches remain unhappy, to tell the truth. Most of the time you don't know because we never know what goes on behind closed doors. Then you have those that are like Angela from Why Did I Get Married? Yes, those types do exist in real life...male and female. They control, they accuse, they verbally abuse and in the end, they drive their lover/spouse away.

I don't really believe in "soulmates". I don't think that people are MEANT to be together forever. Majority of the time, the person you think or know you want to spend the rest of your life with, you almost always don't end up spending your life with them. If they're married for 40, 60, or whatever years, its because they were able to make it work and be happy.

Some people have been married numerous times for many reasons. However, after only 2 or 3 times, some vow to never marry again because marriage didn't work for them. Look at Halle Berry. Some just feel they don't need a piece of paper to commit to each other. I happen to know a couple who has been together for 13 years and raising 2 children, and they never made it "official", and they feel they don't need to because they know they are committed to each other and their family. But as I stated, you cannot predict what happens in the future.

At the moment, my personal preference is I'd rather be single than have all the extra drama to deal with. My focus is on working on myself and getting where I need to be. I don't have the time to worry about somebody else and whether they love me or if they're cheating, or anything else. If you've ever tried being single, you could really see yourself and where you are in life. You have a clearer vision on where you want to go without the distractions. I'm not sure how long any of you have ever been single but the kind of drama you're talking about, I don't see. I don't have. I don't deal with. If there is drama, it's usually from within family or friends, or associating yourself with the wrong type of people. You're focusing on the wrong things. In the future, who knows? Maybe I'll settle down. Maybe I'll get married and have a family. Then again, maybe not. Only God knows what the future holds for me.

Single life is not boring. If it's boring then, really, you're no fun. You have to know how to have fun. Go out with friends to bars, clubs, shopping, eating out, travel abroad, road trips & vacations, spa days...there's so much to do. Live your life. Find yourself. DEFINE who you are. Once you do get married and have kids, you wouldn't be able to do many things you've done or wanted to do while being single. Believe it or not, being single for the rest of their lives is what some people prefer. Maybe there is someone for everyone. Maybe not.

Marriage, or having someone in your life in general, doesn't guarantee happiness. Just something to think about.

What do YOU think?

Ugh! Valentine's...

Candy. Flowers. Jewelry. Dates. Sex. Cuddle. Love.

It's February 14th. Everywhere you look, you see pink and red everything. Everybody excited about the gifts they received from lovers, friends and sideline ho's. I can't take this shit...

I don't believe in Valentine's Day. It's pointless. Seriously, tell me what do you do on this "holiday" that you cannot do on the other 364 days of the year to show your love for someone?

In my opinion, it's an excuse for men and a weapon for women. Think about it. Men go all out of their way, spending money they probably don't even have to buy gifts and treat their lovers out just so they can get some pussy, ass or even dick, if they're on that team. As for women, if they don't get anything, they'll get mad and put the coochie on lockdown clink-clink. Then the poor "cheap ass bastard", as she will call him, will be stuck in the doghouse.

Seriously, the person that I end up with better not have any expectations. Well, maybe except one person...*winks*

The Heart of the Matter

What is it about the heart that desires the things we can't have? Better yet, someone we dream to have a future with but yet we cannot have them? 

It happens to us all the time. No matter if the signs tell us that its not meant to be, we still want it and will do almost anything to get it. Seriously. Have you ever met someone you really liked and connected with very well, did whatever you could to become friends with that person and even confessed how much you like them? However, they never reciprocate your feelings. They express no signs of interest in you at all but you believe that if you stick it out, that person will eventually fall in love with you. But how long will you wait? A few weeks, a few months, years? Going out of your way to treat and spoil them in the best way possible just to get a relationship started. It may be crazy and it works....or it may be psychotic and a waste of time.

I've never been in love. Love can be blind, based on my observations. People that are so in love with someone that doesn't pay them half the attention are blinded by their emotions to see all the signs pointing to stop, detour, dead end, not for you or STOP BEING A DAMN IDIOT AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!!

Remember this saying: "You refuse what's good for you but the bad is what you go for"? I guess it's just human nature. Half the time, the ones you're trying to force some kind of relationship with are the ones that will end up hurting you. You put so much focus into chasing after something that isn't meant to be for them, all while missing out the one that would come along with the same emotions that would be returned. I know some people who would actually WAIT for a night of sex instead of giving to anybody or the one that really wants them. Sad, isn't it? You're SINGLE. You should be out having fun, not going on some obsessed trip for an unloving relationship. You're only making yourself miserable trying to force that kind of love you want instead of waiting out for the love you need to show up at your doorstep. Don't spend the rest of your life chasing waterfalls.....

Phoning and bonin'...

I'm not very big on the idea of phone sex. I always felt that there isn't anything that I would get out of doing it. Well, leave it to me to be the one to initiate that very interesting and messy event that I got to experience for the first time ever.

So, Saturday night, I stayed in of course because I had nothing to do and I'm not very big on clubs anymore. Yeah, I'm only 25 and that's silly, right? Not really because the club scene here in Houston sucks...or at least the ones I've been to. Anyway, late in the night I decided to chat with a friend of mine on IM. I'll just call him C.S. for now. He lives in Baton Rouge, La. and we've been talking for about a year and a half. Not THAT kind of "talking" though; just as friends. The way we "met" may be strange: we're part of a Yahoo! group that has some great gay stories...no, online NOVELS that, honestly, need to be published. *I'll tell you about that group later*

Anyway, we started chatting through IM and had gotten to know each other pretty well. That night, I happened to be very horny and so was C.S. We've joked about one another being in need of a good #tunasub but this time things took a turn that both C.S. and I never thought would happen. Here's preview of how the chat went down:

C.S.: You're a hot ass!

Me: And horny too. Hell it's been too long lol

C.S.: Who you telling? Man, its hot in here!

Me: That's cuz you're horny lol

C.S.: You are not helping!

Me: And neither are you, lol

C.S.: Lol you got me on brick right now

Me: Good

C.S.: I'm fighting a losing battle I got something keeping my hand busy though

Me: lol I'm doing something to keep my hand busy too

C.S.: I said I got something I didn't say WHAT lol but I'm fighting a losing battle...BIG TIME

Me: lol well I said I'm doing something

C.S.: NOT HELPING!!!

Me: I know lol whats helping you?

C.S.: My remote

Me: Lol what if I told you my hand was busy with my dick?

C.S.: Oh god!

Me: Lol come on what would you say?

C.S.: I lost

Me: Lol good

C.S.: So you in bed? at desk?

Me: Bed. you?

C.S.: I'm in my bed. Wow, are we really doing this?

Me: Yeah we are. Wait i just realized we're cyber-sexing lol

C.S.: Lol is that what its called?

Me: Yeah

C.S.: So you still want my number?

Me: Hell yeah! Lets do this!

So, since you're reading this then of course you know he gave me his phone number and I called him, and it was on! Being the Scorpio that I am and as imaginative as my mind can be, I did not know that I could talk as sexually on the phone. I was surprising myself the whole time. And this definitely wasn't a "just a couple of minutes" thing. We both lasted damn near an hour. It turns out he was a lot more experienced at the phone sex thing. I'm not going to go into the sweaty details; I'll leave it all up to your imagination. *Mischievous grin* Let's just say when we finished, I made myself a complete "mess", if you catch my drift, lol. We thought it would have made our long-distance friendship a little awkward but C.S. and I ended up easing right into a good conversation for another hour and a half before I finally hit the shower. My arms were sooo sore and worn out, lol. The experience wasn't so bad.

We ended up talking for a while yesterday. Will me and C.S. be phone sexing again? Who knows? I mean, he does have a boyfriend that he's been with for 7 months. Is it cheating? #KanyeShrug Maybe I should feel bad about persuading C.S. to phone bone with me but I honestly don't. We do not regret that night at all.

Okay, so maybe I should start dating...