Love doesn't live here...

A few months ago, I said I have given up on love.

It seems like suddenly, I'm seeing and hearing all this talk about "love" everywhere. Texts, phone, twitter, tumblr, facebook...you name it. Everybody is either looking for it or found it. Even if it isn't love, they're bragging about being "boo'ed up".

I'm not really bitter about it. I actually genuinely smile for those that found their "love". It makes me happy to see most people still searching for it, and I admire them for not giving up. But for myself, I no longer have this feeling of desire or longing for love. No longer do I believe in love, and after my past experiences trying and hoping to find it, I don't think I'll ever believe again.

Drifting...

I've been distancing myself from everyone lately.

I'm at this point where I'm not feeling anybody. They've all become too...phony, for the lack of a better word. I'm not really surprised about it anymore. People have shown their true colors. The vibes I've been getting, especially from the same people as before. You know they say, "Go with your gut." Well, this feeling has been using my gut as a punching bag and now I'm paying attention.

People that used to fuck with me, don't do so anymore. Some of them will speak if I initiate the conversation, which really isn't a conversation when I feel as though they're replying out of obligation or that I'm forcing them to communicate. A lot of them, I haven't spoken to in a long while. Frankly, I don't give a damn to. Not anymore. Hell, if anyone wants to talk, they know how to reach me.

I used to sit around and think, "Okay, what did I do? Did I say something? Are they mad at me?" Well, you know what, I'm not the problem. People just don't know how to be real anymore. What I give is what I am. I'm not here to be a part time friend for hire when it's convenient for anyone. Fake a friendship? No ma'am, fuck that. I refuse to be in for just a season.

There are best friends I can go days without talking yet it will always be as if we hang out every single day. There's a best friend that if for one day he hadn't heard from me, he'll text me to make sure I'm okay and assured me that I'll never have to question our friendship. I realize that these are the only people I need in my life. Yeah, my circle just got smaller. Avoiding facebook. Twitter deactivated; in this moment, I feel like letting it completely delete after the 30 days. We'll see then. 

I'm just over it all. There comes a time when you realize you don't need anybody. Just yourself and you'll be fine. Well...*cues "Me, Myself and I"*...time for my life to take a vacation from it all.Good time for some wine...

Mission Accomplished...

So I got my own place...finally.

Earlier this week, I finally made the move to accomplish a goal I set for myself earlier in the year. It took some time and research, especially since I needed a place on a MARTA route that could get me to work on time but I made it happen. Of course, there was a little adjustment to that plan that I was hoping to go for but obstacles hindered that, unfortunately.

It's my very first time having a place of my own, for myself by myself. And I am PROUD of myself.

It's really quiet though. TOO quiet.

Thank goodness I have a laptop and a USB wifi thingy for some "innanets".

I have no television or furniture though. May get the TV someday soon. Furniture's coming for free though, lol.

In the meantime, I'll just lay here in the middle of my living room floor on a pallet and come up with color schemes for each room...

Side note: I really wish I could have been able to go the roomie route with one of my best buddies...because it's just TOO quiet lol.

ATL Diaries: (re)Virginity...gone.

Yeah I been kind of busy. So much that I didn't get to tell y'all all about me finally getting some dick.

Yes...after a long (double digit) time period...(no need for you to know exactly how long)...I finally got some DACK!!! (no, I didn't misspell it. I meant DACK...that's DICK with over-excitement)

We did everything short of penetration. I'm kind of glad though because he was huge and thick, and I don't think I was ready to take something that big yet.

I deepthroated. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be considering I have a gag reflex but I can work on that. I was surprised when he let me do something I've never in my life thought I'd ever do: eat him out. I did pretty well if I say so myself. Hell, he LOVED it. And he let me tease his hole with my dick head. That felt so good I wanted to just start fucking him but I didn't. While I did that, at the same time, I saw his dick just laying there, so I started sucking it. I think maybe I can be good at this topping thing. New mission: become a VERS.

And when I say he worked his tongue on me...talk about OVERDRIVE!!!

I'm getting horny enough to start playing with myself just talking about it. I'm gonna leave y'all with that.

ATL Diaries: Last night fun...

Me and my bff Kena went out to celebrate one of her friend’s bday. We ate…drank…drank more…and drank more. And danced. 

I heard Trina’s new song Long Heels Red Bottoms for the first time and loved it. Probably cuz I was a little drunk. Just a lil.

What surprised me is as much as I LOATHE the flop trash known as Run The World, I actually went off. Shoulders, some choreography…the song is cool in a club atmosphere. Still trash.

Our other bff was en route to ATL for her bday and we were planning to hang out and party today but that’s all been scrapped. She decided to start acting stupid and childish, and showed her true colors. She basically told me to kiss her ass and we don’t  So me and Kena are going to do our own thing tonight. Ain’t got no time for the bullshit.

So tonight, me and Kena and her friend are going to the Uptown Comedy club and Echelon. We living life…drama free.

ATL Diaries: Catching up...

So my life is becoming quite a bit active that I haven't really been updating as much.

Well, that and Tumblr is occupying most of my time. But that's not why we're here.

Gym is paying off. I'm now down 8 lbs since starting. I fit in size 38, size XL (notice ONE "x"), my favorite camo shorts now require a belt which still doesn't hold them up, my work uniform is getting too big...or I'm shrinking. I'm on my way!!

One of the new outfits I bought when I went shopping. Yes, the XL shirt and the 38x30 slim straight jeans. Ignore the pose. I just felt damn fabulous that day. And my butt is kind of filling out. *Stares in the mirror*

I've also noticed that I've been gaining some confidence in myself. Yay, me! Now, that doesn't mean I think of myself as sexy, cute, handsome and all those things. It's just some confidence. Until I get a little more, I still consider myself is not cute, sexy, handsome and all those overrated words.

Over the weekend, my bff and I went to the Royal Comedy Tour to see Bruce Bruce, D.L. Hughley, Sommore and some other people I never heard of but they were all frickin' hilarious! Yes, even Mr. Hughley. That was a surprise.

And as you can see, my hair is twisted again. This time I'm trying to let it lock. Three weeks so far. I kinda don't like it now because it seems different from the way I wanted.

What yall think? *btw, it's time for some retwisting of the roots...looking a little rough here*

Anyway, that's the T in the life of AJ. Until next time...

Some things are better left unsaid...

Let's just say that phase couldn't be further from the truth.

You know that moment you have where you do something or say something, and you later regret it ever happening and wish you can take it back. I'm talking that you would give your LIFE to take that moment back. I had that moment a couple of weeks ago.

I dealt with a lot at that time, emotionally. By the way, I'm doing a lot better and taking it day to day. It's going to take some time to get over it completely. It helped to talk about what I was feeling with the person I felt for. Now I wish I could take back everything my big ass mouth revealed. But the damage has already been done.

We've drifted apart. I feel like, because I opened my mouth, I lost a cool good friend that barely speaks to me anymore. Or won't speak to me at all. I lost a cool good friend that won't hang out with me because he'll feel uncomfortable. I lost a cool good friend that probably thinks I'm crazy.

I don't know, maybe I am. And it's all my fault.

I shouldn't have caught feelings. I set myself up to fall. I should have just kept it all a secret. Obviously, I didn't learn the lesson from the first time. But this time, I got it. Will I try dating again? I don't know. Am I going to turn down anyone that tries to talk to me? Probably. Right now, I'm not the least bit optimistic about this dating and love thing. It's just not happening for me, and probably never will.

But if...and that's a BIG "if"...I were to end up in a situation where I have feelings for someone, you can believe that I'm keeping my mouth shut.

So I won't try to talk to or bother [him] anymore. I won't continue to try being friendly as if nothing happened. I want to apologize. I want to tell [him] I'm sorry for telling [him] my feelings. But I know he's not going to listen. I'm pretty sure the "friends" ship sunk faster than the Titanic. Yeah, it sucks but I'm to blame.

If I had to choose just ONE regret in my life, it would be that moment I told him how [him] how I felt about [him]. And now, the damage cannot be undone.

Monster

I'm out of breath, running in fear
Fighting for my life
But I couldn't seem to get away
No matter how hard I tried
Or where I'd try to hide
You always seemed to find me
You grabbed me, restrained me
Held me down, put pressure on my chest
Unable to breathe, unable to move
I couldn't find the strength
Couldn't push you away
Begging and screaming no more
Pleading for you to let me go
No one around to hear my cries
I gave in, surrendering to your power
You took my life, my innocence
Drained the light from my soul
Now I'm left alone in darkness
Every night the tears would fall
As each minute replay
Over and over again
Nightmares refusing to set me free
Like a horrible dream I will never wake
I can no longer live my life like this
Trying to hide the unbearable pain
Years of facades, masking the hurt
False pretense of happiness
It seemed as though it was my fault
Placed the blame upon myself
Feeling of embarrassment and shame
Frightened and paranoid
I cringe at the mention of your name
My worst nightmare comes true
There you stand before my eyes
Once again, back in my life
Anger...no, RAGE engulfs my flesh
My blood boils, my veins filled with hatred
Soon after, my emotions now replaced with fear
Such evil I've never seen before
Pour from your deadly grin and icy glare
So disgusting you are, a MONSTER
Cold and calculating and manipulative
Fragile and weak is what is left of me
Your presence keeps me prisoner
My mouth opens but no words escape
Inside I'm screaming but no sounds I could make
The closed wounds for years I've licked
Now opens again
This knife covered in blood falls from my hands
Falling to my knees, battered and bruised
Your venom seeps deeper into my veins
Your poison destroying ever inch of my existence
No fight left in me, just an empty soul
You broke me
You left me shattered to pieces
You...you killed me.

The Heart of the Matter

What is it about the heart that desires the things we can't have? Better yet, someone we dream to have a future with but yet we cannot have them? 

It happens to us all the time. No matter if the signs tell us that its not meant to be, we still want it and will do almost anything to get it. Seriously. Have you ever met someone you really liked and connected with very well, did whatever you could to become friends with that person and even confessed how much you like them? However, they never reciprocate your feelings. They express no signs of interest in you at all but you believe that if you stick it out, that person will eventually fall in love with you. But how long will you wait? A few weeks, a few months, years? Going out of your way to treat and spoil them in the best way possible just to get a relationship started. It may be crazy and it works....or it may be psychotic and a waste of time.

I've never been in love. Love can be blind, based on my observations. People that are so in love with someone that doesn't pay them half the attention are blinded by their emotions to see all the signs pointing to stop, detour, dead end, not for you or STOP BEING A DAMN IDIOT AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!!

Remember this saying: "You refuse what's good for you but the bad is what you go for"? I guess it's just human nature. Half the time, the ones you're trying to force some kind of relationship with are the ones that will end up hurting you. You put so much focus into chasing after something that isn't meant to be for them, all while missing out the one that would come along with the same emotions that would be returned. I know some people who would actually WAIT for a night of sex instead of giving to anybody or the one that really wants them. Sad, isn't it? You're SINGLE. You should be out having fun, not going on some obsessed trip for an unloving relationship. You're only making yourself miserable trying to force that kind of love you want instead of waiting out for the love you need to show up at your doorstep. Don't spend the rest of your life chasing waterfalls.....

Twenty Ten...

Well, it's the first Monday of the New Year.

That means it's the official start of life in 2010.

All the weekend partying and careless celebrations are over. It's time to get back in the grind.

Resolutions? Fuhgeddahboudit. That word doesn't exist in my vocabulary. They're pointless. All the ridiculous PLANS that people claim they're going to do - lose weight, stop smoking and drinking, be a better person, stop whoring - and they never make good on it. That's why I tend to call New Year's the period of empty "maybe" promises.

Me? I set realistic goals, ones that I know and I'm determined  that I can make happen. There's no changing my eating habits, work out more, or getting closer to God because I know damn well I'm not going to do any of that. Besides, I'm close enough to the Dude up there, just not as much as the hardcore super-religious fanatics think I should be.

Anyway, I'm just going to continue my academics, as I'm working on my Associates Degree in Biology this semester. After a nearly year of being an unemployed student, it's definitely time for me to get back to work. So, there's that. And I definitely am going to get my own place. I can only stand having roommates for so long. I need my privacy, shit. One thing I do plan to make good on is a skiing trip.

So what are you GOING to do? Don't mistake that with what you're PLANNING to do. In 2010, set some REALISTIC goals to accomplish. Trust me, it will be a journey.

Don't forget to have fun and live a little. Experience some things you've never done before. I started last weekend...*wink*