I notice everything...

And by everything, I literally mean everything. I notice when someone stops hitting me up like they used to. I notice when the way someone talks to me starts changing. I notice the little things that people do, and the little things they used to do. I notice when things change, and when it’s no longer the same. I notice every single little detail. I just don't say anything. 

This is completely relevant to my life. [No, I didn't come up with this; it's copy and paste. Deal with it.]

The sad thing is that sometimes, after you've gone your way and let them be, they will suddenly speak to you out of the blue. To them, it's like nothing's changed. Well, actually, you did. They'll call you "stranger", say you don't talk no more and ask why you're acting funny.

Drifting...

I've been distancing myself from everyone lately.

I'm at this point where I'm not feeling anybody. They've all become too...phony, for the lack of a better word. I'm not really surprised about it anymore. People have shown their true colors. The vibes I've been getting, especially from the same people as before. You know they say, "Go with your gut." Well, this feeling has been using my gut as a punching bag and now I'm paying attention.

People that used to fuck with me, don't do so anymore. Some of them will speak if I initiate the conversation, which really isn't a conversation when I feel as though they're replying out of obligation or that I'm forcing them to communicate. A lot of them, I haven't spoken to in a long while. Frankly, I don't give a damn to. Not anymore. Hell, if anyone wants to talk, they know how to reach me.

I used to sit around and think, "Okay, what did I do? Did I say something? Are they mad at me?" Well, you know what, I'm not the problem. People just don't know how to be real anymore. What I give is what I am. I'm not here to be a part time friend for hire when it's convenient for anyone. Fake a friendship? No ma'am, fuck that. I refuse to be in for just a season.

There are best friends I can go days without talking yet it will always be as if we hang out every single day. There's a best friend that if for one day he hadn't heard from me, he'll text me to make sure I'm okay and assured me that I'll never have to question our friendship. I realize that these are the only people I need in my life. Yeah, my circle just got smaller. Avoiding facebook. Twitter deactivated; in this moment, I feel like letting it completely delete after the 30 days. We'll see then. 

I'm just over it all. There comes a time when you realize you don't need anybody. Just yourself and you'll be fine. Well...*cues "Me, Myself and I"*...time for my life to take a vacation from it all.Good time for some wine...

Lame.

I know I’m not popular.

I’m not as outgoing or out there. 

Maybe I’m not even THAT funny.

But I thought I was cool people.

Easy going, fun to be around.

But…someone called me “lame”. 

Never have I ever been called such thing.

I thought I was far from it.

They weren’t joking either.

I spent the past 2 years building my confidence…

Becoming the person I am today…

…now, it’s cracked.

Posed the question to a friend - a bestie - “Am I lame?”

That was 14 hours ago…no response.

Now I wonder how everyone feels…

Especially now when it seems my "friends" have been distant lately...

2012 - Bring It On...

I've made some adjustments in 2011. Accomplished some goals. Left behind some more drama and unnecessary people.

Now I'm looking forward to 2012. I'm looking forward to conquer more goals. I want to travel more. On my list so far is the Bahamas, DC and NY. If I can, I'll squeeze in N.O. and another trip to Miami. I still need to head to the west coast since I still haven't been that way yet but I'll save that for later. I have to get my bestie over her fear of flying.

Now that I have my apartment, I'm looking forward to some wheels. Marta takes up a lot of time in transit between work and home. That's why I hardly go anywhere else. In this city, you NEED a frickin' car.

I've caught up on my student loans and got myself out of default. Next step, school. Since I just moved, it ain't happening in January. But I'll be damned if summer comes and goes before I get into somebody's class. I got a degree to finish working for and a stage to cross, and I'm not stopping until that happens.

I know I said I gave up on love but there seems to be this little small teeny tiny part of me that keeps holding on to it. I need to get "love" out of my system completely. I don't see love in my future at all. Mostly, because I refuse to open myself up to the possibility ever again. I'm perfectly content with myself.

And I'm going to make working out an everyday priority. Well...almost every day. I've been slowly slimming down a bit so it's time to get started again. Need to tone up and get rid of some man boobs and love handles. Oh and I have to work on the ass a little more. I don't have a damn half a cake back there at the moment.

I may get a second job. Or maybe find one that pays more my worth and skill. I do love the hotel business though. Especially at a hotel in the middle of Midtown Atlanta.

And lastly, I might try this grindr thing out again and open myself to meeting people. Not for hook up reasons either. It seems that's all the gays are looking for these days.

Road to 27...

Looking back on the last year of my life as I approach the 27th anniversary of my world debut (yes, I said world debut), I would like to acknowledge the growth and progress that I've made to get where I am now.

Yes, I know I talk too much about mu problems and growth and all that but I don't give a damn so you're just going to have to deal with it.

This time last year I had just come out to my extended family and friends, still struggling with how to live my life as an openly gay man, coming to terms with who I am and adjusting to life in a new city. Yeah, there were some huge changes. But the changes didn't stop there.

I've become more open and outgoing, so much that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. No longer am I this shy guy. I say the firs thing that come to mind, which I better chill out before that gets me into trouble. I've been working to become more independent. I'm living my life and loving the hell out of it. Like everyone I know, I continue to discover a new side of me. Half the time, it shocks the hell out of me.

This last year ha taught me so much about friends and the people I'm supposed to trust. Sometimes you really don't know people and what they can do, and before you know it, you'll end up on the receiving end of bullshit. It taught me a lesson. After re-evaluating some of the relationships in my life, I learned that keeping a smaller circle is best. Some people I had to let go. Some were easy, some weren't. There were a few who showed their true character that made it easy. I had to eliminate the unnecessary drama because there was no place for it in my life anymore. So my circle is small. All I need are my besties: my girls Kena and Nikki, and my crazy bestie bitches Randy, Marcus and Steven. I love them all. The greatest group of best friends I could ever ask for. I honestly really don't want to know what would happen if we were all in the same room together. o_O

I also learned a lot about love. It's all a game. It's bullshit. I pretty much don't believe in it anymore. I mean, for other people, I do but for myself? I don't believe in it. After dealing with all the guys I've come across and the way they treated me, lied or whatever, I'm just done. My walls are back up and staying there. No more believing what any guy says to me. If there ever is a guy that actually means what he says comes my way, he's going to have a hard time trying to get through to me. Good luck with that.

Oh, and 2 of the best additions in my life ----> Jody and Dylan (search the blog lol). Hey, I'm exploring. Well...that and actually getting some.

Every day that you live is a lesson. C'est la vie, che.