Let's just say that phase couldn't be further from the truth.
You know that moment you have where you do something or say something, and you later regret it ever happening and wish you can take it back. I'm talking that you would give your LIFE to take that moment back. I had that moment a couple of weeks ago.
I dealt with a lot at that time, emotionally. By the way, I'm doing a lot better and taking it day to day. It's going to take some time to get over it completely. It helped to talk about what I was feeling with the person I felt for. Now I wish I could take back everything my big ass mouth revealed. But the damage has already been done.
We've drifted apart. I feel like, because I opened my mouth, I lost a cool good friend that barely speaks to me anymore. Or won't speak to me at all. I lost a cool good friend that won't hang out with me because he'll feel uncomfortable. I lost a cool good friend that probably thinks I'm crazy.
I don't know, maybe I am. And it's all my fault.
I shouldn't have caught feelings. I set myself up to fall. I should have just kept it all a secret. Obviously, I didn't learn the lesson from the first time. But this time, I got it. Will I try dating again? I don't know. Am I going to turn down anyone that tries to talk to me? Probably. Right now, I'm not the least bit optimistic about this dating and love thing. It's just not happening for me, and probably never will.
But if...and that's a BIG "if"...I were to end up in a situation where I have feelings for someone, you can believe that I'm keeping my mouth shut.
So I won't try to talk to or bother [him] anymore. I won't continue to try being friendly as if nothing happened. I want to apologize. I want to tell [him] I'm sorry for telling [him] my feelings. But I know he's not going to listen. I'm pretty sure the "friends" ship sunk faster than the Titanic. Yeah, it sucks but I'm to blame.
If I had to choose just ONE regret in my life, it would be that moment I told him how [him] how I felt about [him]. And now, the damage cannot be undone.
2 comments:
First I like commend you for at least being able to be open and honest openly, about how you feel. It's difficult sometimes to express our inner most feelings, especially when our feelings are hurt in some way. I almost cried reading this, because I know how it feels to feel something about a particular person and then express those feelings honestly and then have a adverse reaction to my feelings. Happened to me soo many time in my life. However, I want to encourage you to not beat yourself up or even feel regretful. You openly shared your feelings about the person and they ultimately chose the best course they felt comfortable with (not communicating or distancing). One thing I've learned through the whole ordeal was that, 1. I can't control peoples reactions or feelings. 2. People will always have an opinion or feel what they are going to feel. I don't know how you two interacted prior to you telling him or even how long, but good observation of the friendship from beginning to end will pretty much give you the answers or peace you need to have about the situation. You did a brave move by expressing your feeling and for that alone you should applaud yourself for. It's not easy coming out your shell So-to-speak. It's not easy approaching someone whom you have feelings for and not know how they are going to take it, but you did anyhow. How he feels about what you said, you have no control over. You can only control your feelings and govern yourself accordingly. If you reach out as a friend to keep what you two had before and you get no answers, well that alone should let you know their true feelings. Don't shut down because of it, but yet use it to learn from and to be open to the signs. People will always come and go that will never change, but selecting the person whom you know have your best interest at heart and are open, takes skills, and skills are perfected in practice and being put into situation that allow us to be better and grow as individuals. It's amazing journey you're on. At this time in your life is where you can really let your light shine and tell your story so others will be helped! So shine! Be a brilliant light, and know that you are worth getting to know, being around and having all that your heart desire! NO ONE DICTATES that but YOU!! Be encouraged my friend!
Big ups for having the balls to come out and say how you feel. You feel the way you feel and there's no need to apologize or explain. I've been in your shoes before and it can be hella awkward, but time will definitely smooth things out. He may be putting space between you to keep things from being weird, but if he's truly your friend, he'll come back around.
Also, keep your head up when it comes to the whole love and dating thing. I've felt that way too, that love would never come my way. I think it's a combination of luck and also taking chances and putting yourself out there. This time, it didn't work out, but if you keep taking chances and opening up to people, it will happen for you :)
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