Beautiful Sunrise

Shuffles from behind

A little stir in the sheets

Your arm embrace me

 

Tingles all over

As your skin contacts with mine

A high, this moment

Soft as cotton balls

Your lips exploring the nape

My sweet spot, my neck

I turn to face you

Gaze into your hazel eyes

Piercing through my soul

Je t'adore, you say

Je veux être avec toi

My soul fills with warmth

A kiss of passion

Your hands caressing my face

As we become one

As a light shines through

You embrace me as we watch

Beautiful sunrise.

Here I Am

I'm standing here, right now
Tall, strong...before your eyes
A fighter, a survivor...surprised?
I bet you are

I'm not supposed to be here
Alive, breathing...
But I'm standing here, right now
Should've been gone a long time ago
I should have taken the easy way out
But I'm standing here, right now

You told me I wouldn't make it
Told me I was weak, a punk
But I'm standing here, right now
You said the world was too big for me
It wouldn't be long before I get crushed
But I'm still standing here, right now

You said I was worthless
That no one would give a damn
I wasn't important
And I guess I'm dumb as hell, too

I would never amount to anything
I didn't have any potential
You had no faith in me
Always so quick to put me down
But I'm standing here, right now

You were a phony friend
That slithering snake hissing in the grass
Backstabbing, conniving
Sure talked a lot of shit

Maybe I was a little weak
And I believed it all, silly me
I was bullied and beaten
Stoned, burned and taken advantage of

It's time I rise to the surface
I'm done drowning
I been through too damn much
Even have to fight myself to win

I'm standing here, right now
My head looking toward the clear blue cloudless sky
I throw my fists up in victory
You heard me....I made it
Here I am

I Am My Own Worst Enemy...

I'm always too hard on myself
I try not to be but each time, I fail
Too pessimistic is what they say
That's my view of life everyday

Standing here looking in the mirror
Searching for what others see
Liquid sorrows roll down my face
Ugly is what these eyes see, no beauty

Big lips, wide nose, gapped teeth
Thick, big-boned fat-ass
No six-pack but a keg
No way I'm turning any heads

A compliment here, a compliment there
Nod my head as I just stare
"You're beautiful, sexy and cute"
Somebody must be blind

This love life, or the lack thereof
Sending sweet, beautiful dark chocolates my way
Before I could claim just a small bite
Tall, dark and handsome just keep walking by

So many chances I had
All leading me to believe the games
Now I believe in nothing
Love was never in existence

Lonesomeness takes over
As I lay in this cold king bed
Reaching over into space
Only imagining someone there

Everything I feel is my fault
Nothing else is to blame
My insecurities will still be there
No matter how hard I try to change

Every little critique
Nitpicking every little flaw
Even with all the progress so far
I'm still holding myself back

Constantly fighting this never-ending battle
Anxiously wanting it all to be over
I refuse to go down losing
I'm claiming it, I'll come out with this victory

Scared of Being Lonely...

This keeps happening

It’s like a cycle

Keeps going round and round

Leading me back where I started

I meet someone

We’ll hang out a few times

Get to know him

I’ll like him…then start falling for him

But then comes the bomb

What I once thought just isn’t

Everything he says is just a flirt

Nothing was real

So I give up on ever finding love

Sometimes I don’t believe in it

My walls are put up

Until someone else comes my way

I get nervous

I get those feelings again

But this time I refuse

I refuse to fall again

This time I like him

But I’m only leaving it as that

Those walls I built I won’t take down

My pride, it’s protecting me

From hurt

From heartbreak

From tears

From this thing we call Love

Finally

This could be my chance

My heart is saying go for it

My mind says “Don’t even”

Sure, I’m scared of being lonely

Never to share this life with the man I could love

But the past keeps punching me in my face

What happens next is all I keep thinking of

What if this time’s a charm?

Maybe I should take the risk

No, I made it this far alone

I’ll go farther on my own

A little hope: valentine. (by @iPEPPAH)

Days have elapsed & you’re not here
Months have gone by & you’re miles away
It’s been almost a year &
I still remember your lips
Your smooth skin, your ability to make me shy

I remember when I held you
Your body was so soft
Your skin taste so sweet
I remember kissing your neck
While my hands were around you

Could he be mine one day? I asked myself
Time was against us but
I felt special that morning
Knowing you were right there with me
My world felt untroubled

Reminiscing on the time we had
I wish I could have talked to you more
I wish I could have guarded you longer
I wish I could have whispered more in your ear
I wish our meaningful dialogue would have never ended

I know I’m no longer in the running
I lost the race
I just knew you were too good to be true
So delightful, so enduring, so clever
The person you are, I will soon meet again

Someone like you will enter my universe &
When he comes, I will not forget you
But until he comes
You will remain my intangible valentine
This gave me a little bit of hope when it comes to love after reading. You guys should check out my bestie Peppah's blog for more writings. I swear sometimes it's like he's in my brain. He's very talented. Click for his blog ---> Free.Xonee

Dear Love...

Dear Love, you suck.
You said I'll have my chance with you.
Instead, I'm fucked.
Twice now I've been burned by you.
Thought it was finally happening,
Finally, there was someone for me
Only to have the rug pulled from under my feet.
I've been fooled,
I've been played.
Now I'm left with my heart in pieces,
A stream of tears down my cheek.
All the time I've been waiting
You couldn't wait to knock me down.
I'm tired.
I don't feel like getting back up.
I don't want to try again.
Love, I'm giving up on you, once and for all
Whenever you show your face,
I'm turning you away,
No matter the many good intentions you have.
If all you're going to do is hurt me,
I don't want it.
I don't believe in you anymore.
This day going forward, you're non-existent.
Happiness shouldn't leave me broken
But you did.
I know it won't get better,
I know I'll never get that chance.
So I'm just done.
Fuck you.

-A shattered heart.

Insecurities are a bitch...

So I have self-esteem issues. I'm human.

I'm not slim, fit and toned, or built and muscular like the other guys.
I don't have the perfect lips or the sleepy bedroom eyes.
My nose is big, and I hate taking pictures because I never look good enough.
I'm short and I hate my smile.
I'm not perfect.

Yeah, yeah, "nobody's perfect, we all got flaws"...
Still, that doesn't make it any better.
The fact that I get stuck in the friend zone doesn't help.
That fucking friend zone.
Isn't that for the ugly friend?
You know, when the cute guy or girl you like doesn't like you back?
Yep, that means something is wrong with me.
Or I'm way out of my league.
Which, again, STILL doesn't make it any better.

He flirts with me, talks to me, gets to know me.
Then asks to send a pic...you know those kind of pics.
Or maybe a video...put it on Xtube.
I hesitate, what's he going to think?
Will he stop talking to me? Will he lie?
I can't do it.
I'm not like those guys...

Insecurities are a bitch.
But I can't help it.
I wish I was a 32 instead of 42.
I wish I had a washboard.
Can't even wear a muscle shirt.
I just want to look like the sexy dudes...
The ones that everybody always fall out for.
I want to go to the beaches and pools
To be able to swim and walk around with no shirt.
Is that too much to ask?
Hell, I'm tired of this jelly.

So I'm not cute, I'm not sexy.
People will say I am just to make me feel better.
Truth is, it doesn't but I always smile to hide.
Damn. Fuck you, Insecurity!

Masquerade

I feel empty inside
Shadowless, without a soul
I feel invisible to the world
Ignored, a waste of space
No one can see me or knows what I feel
When they are around I wear this mask
They see that I'm happy and see my smile
It looks so real but it's just a front
So forged, the real goes undetected
They don't know the feelings running through my veins
Nor the thoughts of sorrow on my mind
The self-consciousness and self-hatred
Depression is a true bitch but they don't see it
The inside of me calling out for help
Yearning for love and affection and attention
Why can't they hear my whispered screaming cries?
Or see these invisible tears?
I'm standing here in pain
They're oblivious to my scars
Do they even care?
This mask I wear so well
Conceals it all so it won't matter
Shut out like an outsider I am
My pillow now stained with teardrops
As I lay here alone, wondering
Is it all worth it, this life?
Every waking moment behind this mask
Trading my happiness for their satisfaction
For their approval and acceptance
Losing myself because I'm scared of losing them
All because I'm different, an abomination is what they call it
The hate, the judgments
Each day I live this lie
These days I feel like quitting

I just want to give it all up...
Who's going to save me before it's too late?

Monster

I'm out of breath, running in fear
Fighting for my life
But I couldn't seem to get away
No matter how hard I tried
Or where I'd try to hide
You always seemed to find me
You grabbed me, restrained me
Held me down, put pressure on my chest
Unable to breathe, unable to move
I couldn't find the strength
Couldn't push you away
Begging and screaming no more
Pleading for you to let me go
No one around to hear my cries
I gave in, surrendering to your power
You took my life, my innocence
Drained the light from my soul
Now I'm left alone in darkness
Every night the tears would fall
As each minute replay
Over and over again
Nightmares refusing to set me free
Like a horrible dream I will never wake
I can no longer live my life like this
Trying to hide the unbearable pain
Years of facades, masking the hurt
False pretense of happiness
It seemed as though it was my fault
Placed the blame upon myself
Feeling of embarrassment and shame
Frightened and paranoid
I cringe at the mention of your name
My worst nightmare comes true
There you stand before my eyes
Once again, back in my life
Anger...no, RAGE engulfs my flesh
My blood boils, my veins filled with hatred
Soon after, my emotions now replaced with fear
Such evil I've never seen before
Pour from your deadly grin and icy glare
So disgusting you are, a MONSTER
Cold and calculating and manipulative
Fragile and weak is what is left of me
Your presence keeps me prisoner
My mouth opens but no words escape
Inside I'm screaming but no sounds I could make
The closed wounds for years I've licked
Now opens again
This knife covered in blood falls from my hands
Falling to my knees, battered and bruised
Your venom seeps deeper into my veins
Your poison destroying ever inch of my existence
No fight left in me, just an empty soul
You broke me
You left me shattered to pieces
You...you killed me.

A bitch named Life...

Just when you think you're about to take a step forward, this bitch named Life steps up and knocks your ass back 100 yards. Today, I found out how true those words are. I received some news that seriously pissed me off. I'm talking about needing-to-break-something pissed. I felt like giving up, as if all the trying and everything that I've worked for was done for nothing. For a moment, I felt like God wasn't there for me. I know, I know...it was foolish of me to think that. I still have my faith and realized that I have to keep going. It's nobody but Satan that's trying to keep me down. Well, guess what? I just got back up again, dusted off my ass and I'm pushing back. I got a really good talk of encouragement that gave me motivation to keep trying. It's hard to do sometimes but I realize that life is about the fight to survive and to get where I want to be. It's good to know I have a great group of people in my life (y'all know who y'all are). After some prayer time, I decided to listen to iTunes and the first song that plays:



Whitney Houston.::I Didn't Know My Own Strength::.

The Climb

Darkness is all I can see

My eyes are wide open

But there’s no light to guide me

Lost, confused…where am I?

How did I get here?

Keep walking, a little voice I hear

Sounds from all directions

I keep moving, paranoia growing

Fear in my eyes, my hands reach out

Nothing but air is what I grab

Rushes of wind blows against me

Help, I cried out

Not a body in presence

Shivers, tears, my legs are giving up

I fall down to the ground

Paralyzed with fear

Unable to move, I cry

I surrender…

Get up, that little voice speaks again

So commanding

Demanding to keep going

Exhausted and weak

Don’t give up now

“I picked myself back up”

A song begins in my head

I push myself up to my feet

My legs still tired

Suddenly, a light appears

My feet are heavy like bricks

Dragging, desperate to reach the glow

So determined, I had to get there

I couldn’t struggle any longer

No more of this darkest hour

My faith giving me all the fuel I need

To reach the light that leads me from this dark

Pushing myself with such heart and hope

So much I never thought I’d find within me

You’re almost there, that angelic voice

I made it…I conquered

I’ve reached the mountain’s peak

Stronger and wiser I come out on top

Grateful I am for Him not giving up on me

This bitch named Life dealt me some bad cards

I wondered how much more can I take

But I’ve learned how to play smart

I refuse to lose…I will not break

By the way, my best friend bought me a 6 pack of Budweiser beer. You know, the ones in the bottle? Unopened, I took them outside and threw each one of them against a tree. I felt so much better, lol.

What I Feel/Issues

This has got to be one of the best, if not THE best songs R. Kelly has ever written. Sometimes I feel like Kellz had been invading my brain every time I hear this song.

I'm sick and tired of the games you played
Every move I make your ass got something to say
Scandalize my name when you see it in the paper
Trying to turn it all around when it wasn't that way
Everybody is trying to figure me out
What the hell is wrong with y'all just let me live my life
I can't go one day without y'all in my face
Y'all done lost y'all minds if you don't hear what I say
Cops chase me when I'm standing still
You know I ain't done shit wrong so why you want me in your cell
You don't like my songs well it pays the bills
And you cut me down cuz I keep it real
Sometimes I wanna fly far away from here
To another place it ain't worth these tears
Sometimes at night when I close my eyes
I know the haters are busy making up hater lies
Sometimes I laugh trying to keep from crying
If I was plain out of love then tell me who could I trust
See I work so hard just to get ahead
If it wasn't for God I'd probably be dead
Sometimes I think y'all trying to pull me down
But y'all wasting your time I got you haters figured out
If yo had your way it'd be lock and key
Everywhere I go trouble follows me
Where the hell is my father shit it hurts sometimes
There's a hole in me and it rocks my mind

Forgive me father for I have sinned
When was your last confession

His true fears he left without a care
And that was more than I could bare
When you need my help I never tell you no
When I need your love you got somewhere to go
I'm getting sick of this shit but I'm not gonna quit
I've come too far gotta keep my pockets thick
I get mad as hell but that's ok
Kick off these shoes cuz I'm here to stay
I gotta let you know got no time to play
So feel me and all that you hear me say
What I'm building up you can't tear it down
Cuz it's built on solid Rockland ground
We don't die, we multiply, hit after hit, living platinum style
Keep my head up high, looking toward the sky
Nothing inmy view, hey I can fly
Y'all just hate, I can't take no more
And if you feel me raise your hand and show

This is what I feel, ooh, this is what I feel
Feel me, feel me, feel me, hey, hey feel, woo
Westside tell me can you feel me, hey, oh
Eastside tell me can you feel me, whoa, oh south
Southside tell me can you feel me
Feel me, feel me

Can't Have U

It's been almost 10 years, and recently, I was inspired to start writing poetry again. This is the first one after so long. It's called "Can't Have You". Check it out:


I’ve got this strange feeling
It’s come all over me
I can’t explain it
It travels all through my body
Butterflies in my stomach
Tingling in my spine
Everything begins to fade to black
Every time you come across my mind
Never thought this could be happening
My every thought is always you
My palms are clammy now
I don’t know what to do

It’s impossible
I cannot be falling for you
I’m in the Garden of Eden
And you’re the forbidden fruit
I’m fighting all the temptations
You’re off limits to me
I long and ache for your touch
You’re out of my reach
This long distance is killing me
Feels like we’re worlds apart
As I write these words
I hear the beat my fluttering heart


How do I describe it?
It’s complicated
I know that I can’t have you
My feelings I never anticipated
These emotions, it's crazy
What do I do?
Feels like I’m on a roller coaster
It’s got me all dazed and confused
I’ve come to realize I will never have you
No matter how hard I try to beg the angels above
As I learn to accept it, I begin to wonder
These feelings, could I be in love?

Dedicated to JoJo ;-). Thanks for the inspiration.