Because I don't go out...

My best friend told me that because I don't go out, I'm missing out on meeting someone that could potentially be my first "love". 

I don't go out because I have responsibilities and priorities. My first place on my own...that comes with a lot of bills. Student loans gotta be paid, too. 

So yeah, my ass stays home when I'm not working. Hell, I hadn't been shopping in 6 months...and I'm going crazy about that, lol. If I had a better job that pays better then I'd go out from time to time. But it wouldn't be for looking for a potential someone to string me along and fool me like all the other ones did. I'm over all of that shit.

Here I Am

I'm standing here, right now
Tall, strong...before your eyes
A fighter, a survivor...surprised?
I bet you are

I'm not supposed to be here
Alive, breathing...
But I'm standing here, right now
Should've been gone a long time ago
I should have taken the easy way out
But I'm standing here, right now

You told me I wouldn't make it
Told me I was weak, a punk
But I'm standing here, right now
You said the world was too big for me
It wouldn't be long before I get crushed
But I'm still standing here, right now

You said I was worthless
That no one would give a damn
I wasn't important
And I guess I'm dumb as hell, too

I would never amount to anything
I didn't have any potential
You had no faith in me
Always so quick to put me down
But I'm standing here, right now

You were a phony friend
That slithering snake hissing in the grass
Backstabbing, conniving
Sure talked a lot of shit

Maybe I was a little weak
And I believed it all, silly me
I was bullied and beaten
Stoned, burned and taken advantage of

It's time I rise to the surface
I'm done drowning
I been through too damn much
Even have to fight myself to win

I'm standing here, right now
My head looking toward the clear blue cloudless sky
I throw my fists up in victory
You heard me....I made it
Here I am

Interracial? Me? Hmm...

Funny, I just thought about this.

Me, dating outside my race. A sexy white dude. Maybe Italian or Latino. Never Asian though. Like, I thought about how I've only liked black guys and the only ones I've talked to in hopes of finally getting my first boyfriend or relationship with but it never happened. After being rejected, disappointed, heartbroken and all that other blahzay blahzay...I just gave up on it all. Until just a moment ago.

For a split second, I thought that maybe I need to try talking to guys outside my own race. Maybe it would be better. Maybe one of those guys would actually LIKE me or make the effort to try to be with me instead of spitting bullshit game and leading me on. I love my bruthas but the way they act has completely turned me off trying this dating shit.

I know, I know. They're not ALL the same. But it's just there haven't been ONE brutha I've met that actually wanted to make more than just 'something' happen. By 'something', I mean sex. It seems that's all they want. And that comes with prerequisites: you have to be a certain shade, size, height, build, length and girth, and packing in the trunk. Compared to the ones I see around, I can't even compete at all.

Yeah, I've broken out of my shell and became more open and outgoing but I've already given up on wasting my time with dudes. Yes, ALL dudes. I love my bruthas too much to ditch them for another race.

Maybe I should just get some cats...

A Vacation Was All I Needed...

For the past week and a half, I took a vacation from work and ATL, and decided to go home to Houston and visit family and friends.

It was so great seeing them. Even met up with some friends for the first time. Even connected two of my bestest friends.

I also learned that I'm short for a dude. Like, all of my male friends are taller than I am. Randy, CK, Steven, Peppah. I guess you could say I look up to all of them.

There was one downside though. My lil bro was letting me use his car for during my trip. But towards the end of my vacation I met up with friends at the Jungle (the club is actually called 2020 but it's pretty much like a zoo in there). As I left, I noticed my brother's car was missing. Stolen. I was pissed. My first thought was my brother. It was his car...his FIRST car, which he only had for a couple of months, and one that he bought with his hard earned money and paying a note on. There wasn't even anything drawing attention to be stolen. The fact that some of my clothes, a brand new pair of shoes and my iTouch was in the car didn't cross my mind until the next day. All that mattered was the car.

That night, he texted me: "Go home and rest big bro. Life goes on. I'm just gonna grind a lil harder."

Yeah, I probably was more pissed than he was.

To the assholes that took the car, what goes around...comes around.

Blast from the Past...

So there's this guy I've known since middle school. Well, we used to do a few "things" back then.

A few months ago, we found each other on Facebook (I know, I know) and reminisced about the past and the "good times" we had. We've been talking a lot since then. But lately, the past week, seemed a little different from our normal talks. 

It all started with his comments on my photos from the photoshoot with Deonte K (See previous post). Now, he wants to get to know me...more than he already does. Mind, body & soul. But I had to tell him "friends first" then see what happens from there. Plus, he lives in Denver. I've never had a relationship before so long distance is something I don't know about. That's even scarier.

With my history in these situations, I'm not ready to let my brick walls come down again. I can't do it. He's a great guy and we have that history, and I realize the feelings I had then are still there but I'd rather save myself from getting my hopes up and getting heartbroken and disappointed. If it happens, so be it. All I know is right this moment, I got to protect myself and my feelings. 

I gave up on trying to find and fall in love. I don't want it nor do I care for it anymore. Thanks to all the guys in my past that I could have had a relationship with, I've learned that what they tell you is just a game. Flirting is a game. How or what they feel about you...all lies. 

So I thought maybe I'll play the game, too. Well, just not with him though.

Do you wanna be on Top?

Courtesy of my best buddy Deonte Keller (@DeonteK)

Congratulations. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Model.

People said my hands are big. *hides hands*

So there were these 2 dudes...

Two very sexy European guys that came into the hotel this morning looking for a room. No reservations or anything. Luckily, we did have plenty rooms available. While I was getting them checked in, we were joking about they’re wanting me to charge them half price and all that (as you know, that ain’t gonna happen).

So once I got them all settled. one says to me “Oh man, I love you!”

All I could respond with was “Okay….thanks?”

Then the other says something totally…completely unexpected.

“Could you possibly be bisexual?”

That was me and my co-worker's reaction.

Imagine what my boss' face looked like...