The day my life would change...

8.28.04

Austin, TX. 10:30AM.

University of Texas. Jester East dorm.

I had just woken up, stretched while still lying in bed. It was going to be a beautiful Saturday. I just knew it. It was 3 days before classes were to start. I was going to shower, go down for breakfast, call my family back home, talk to my grandmother, relax on 40 Acres Mall with some friends…just basically hang out.

While lying in bed, my phone rings. It was my cousin. He and his family lived just across the highway from campus. I answered, “Good morning”. He asked how I was, asked again making sure I was good. I told him I was fine and feeling good. 

Then he asked, “Are you sitting down?” I told him I was laying down. By this time, I was feeling so good that I hadn’t really caught on to where the conversation was going. There was a small pause, like he was trying to find the right words.

“She’s gone.” I knew what he meant. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t breathe or move. I just froze, staring at the ceiling. My cousin kept calling my name, trying to get my attention and asking if I’m okay. Finally, I said, “I’m fine.” He’d made plans to pick me up and take me to the bus station so I could get home and be with my family. I hung up after that, laid there for a minute then sat up. I looked down at the phone. “My grandmother is gone,” I thought.

Before I knew it, the phone flies across the room into the wall. I was on the floor in tears, screaming. After a while I scrambled across the floor to the phone. Thank God it still worked. I needed to talk to my mother. I desperately NEEDED to talk to her. I couldn’t dial the numbers, kept getting frustrated. After 7 tries, the phone rings…voicemail. My words barely escaped as I couldn’t breathe because of how hard I cried. I needed my mom. So I tried her cell and I got her. She spent the next half hour trying to calm me down over the phone. Ha. I thought I was supposed to console her instead. Mom advised me to get my things together so my cousin can take me to the station to go home. She said everything will be okay. “We’ll be all right. She’s gone home now. She doesn’t have to suffer anymore.” After that, she said she loved me and I was later on the 3 hour trip back to Houston.

Six years later, it’s still not easy. The tears still come. The little things are constantly reminding me of her. From time to time, I hear her voice. I can still smell her scent and hear her laughter. I still expect her to pop up every holiday with a truckload of gifts and lots of food to cook. Man, I miss her cooking. She was the best. A song could be playing and the waterworks would start. I wish she was here to see me now. I know she’s proud of me. I know she sees all the changes in my life and everything that I’ve gone through. The good and the bad. 

I took a moment of silence today at 10:15AM. The time she took her last breath. I decided to write a letter to her. I’ll leave it on her resting place the next time I visit. I miss her so much. I love you, NaNa. See you soon.

ATL Diaries: Silent Alarms...

I haven't done this in a while.
On the love front, shit still the same. It's hard to let go but I'm trying. I never thought I'd go through that again but I did and was left with disappointment and heartbreak. Maybe I should just give up on it all.

The job is going good. Meeting lots of people from all over. I'm also learning to work the front desk. Speaking of front desk, remember the sexy gay co-worker I wrote about? The Bible-toting one with the attitude? Yeah, he's been a lot friendly and talkative lately. What's weird is he gave me a new Bible as a gift. Yeah, okay.

The other day I found the silent alarm by accident. It was a very, VERY slow day. I was bored and was playing with something that I didn't know was the silent alarm. I didn't even know that we had a silent alarm. I found out when the police showed up. Boy, was I embarrassed.

I haven't been going out, which sucks monkey balls. Seriously, I gotta make some friends out here. I'm gonna be alone for Labor Day weekend. Who wants to take me out?

Homosexuality, Race and Religion

As you all know, I have a tumblr and last night, things got a bit serious on the very sensitive subjects of homosexuality, religion and race. From what I gathered, someone didn’t understand how the GLTB community compares themselves to Blacks. From there, I’m not surprised it escalated into a religious debate by “Christians”. (Quotations are there for a reason.) Here’s my two cents:

I just wish people would use their brains to the fullest potential and realize that the GLBT community isn’t trying to compare themselves to the black race but the FIGHT and STRUGGLE for their CIVIL RIGHTS as our African-American ancestors have done for us. Please, do not confuse that with the fight against water hoses and police batons, segregated schools and neighborhoods, or burning crosses in their front lawn. However, they do endure the same type of discrimination: physical, sometimes violent or fatal, and verbal. While blacks had to fight against whites who brought them into slavery for some hundred years and left them deprived of their basic rights as American citizens for nearly another hundred, the gay community has to butt heads with the over-zealous religious community, homophobes and neo-nazi radicals. Guess what? The GLBT community are American citizens, too, and deserves to have their basic rights just as we did. To be honest, I do not understand, for the life of me, how ANY black person, after all the things that our ancestors had to go through to get us where we are today, can discriminate against any other group of people, whether its the GLBT community, whites, Asians, Mexicans, etc. In fact, the black struggle is far from over.

Some people believes that being gay is a choice. Some believes it is natural, while others may believe that it is a result of an unfortunate event that occurred to them as a child. I personally believe all three. I believe it could be a choice based on experimenting and saying “Oh this is better!” I believe a person can be born gay just as a person can be born straight (and if you do some research, you’ll find that this has been scientifically proven). And lastly, the result of an event that could be rape, incest, molestation or perhaps that’s the environment the individual has known and grew up around. An individual who is gay/lesbian/bisexual/trans-gendered doesn’t make them any less of a human being as anyone else nor does it make them any lesser in God’s eyes. 

“God does not like the ACT of gay.” I can see where you’re going with this, and many may have not used their comprehensive skills as I did; however, if there is no “act of homosexuality” then gays wouldn’t exist. They’re the only ones, and some straights who experiment, who commit acts of homosexuality so I can understand how many may take that statement as meaning God doesn’t like gay people. Who are WE to say what God likes or doesn’t like. I could say that He doesn’t like the white boy sitting next to me but in actuality, God may like him more than He likes me. A gay man who goes to church every Sunday probably has a better chance at entering the Kingdom of Heaven than the straightest man who only shows up for Easter. We know what the Bible says; it’s there in black and white text. The problem is the “Christians” who preach the Bible, not according to their own interpretations but what was taught and embedded into their brain as they grew up. Most don’t take the time to actually read and research for themselves, which they could discover so much as I did. I dare you to ask a Christian that claims to read and know the Good Book about the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. If the words “homosexuals” or “gays” come up, they didn’t read or research anything because the story makes no mention in any way. So why homosexuality is tied with the word “sodomy” and the story? “Christians”. Overly zealous religious groups that only chooses to single out certain things in the Bible that THEY don’t like. Some of them bearing tattoos, wearing mixed garments of fabric, has cut their hair or shaved their beard, eating pork and shellfish. Some of them have been divorced and remarried, committed adultery or incest, rape or murder. The Bible address all of these sins as the same but the “Christians” address homosexuality as worse. Then comes the “God hates…” or “God says this or that” arguments. This is when I believe they become ignorant and there is no point in continuing the argument because their so-called points become invalid. Did these “Christians” forget let he who is without sin case the first stone? We don’t get to judge who’s going to hell and who’s not. No one sin is greater than the other. God loves each individual as much as the next person. God is love, or did we forget that? The only judgment that matters is God. 

Did you know?: Homosexuality was widely accepted, mostly during ancient Roman and Greek times for long before the Biblical times, when the white men came along with their “Christian” views. The King James version was selected from many versions by the Catholics as the “official version”. The Bible was also used to justify the enslavement of Africans, discrimination and segregation, and war. 

Back to (Boring) Me

I decided to go ahead and give this crazy bitch a listen. I can’t really be a fan of hers anymore after she tried that fake ass suicide attempt. I still believe all that “drama” is a publicity stunt since she needs buzz because her upcoming album isn’t generating any. I already liked the lead single “Bittersweet” (notice she sings, “my Lord, my Lord…this shit is bittersweet”). The 2nd single, “Man of the House” is catchy but I doubt it will do well as a single. And of course, “Even Angels” is a nice somewhat motivational track. Unfortunately, it feels like the album is all over the place. While each and every track is great or just good enough, I find myself getting bored by the 4th track and trying to stay awake and maintain attention by the 6th. I feel the album wasn’t well put together and there aren’t any good singles. However, Fanny does show some growth. I’d have to listen to the tracks randomly instead of from beginning to end. Not THE best but definitely a good one. Glad Fanny and Monica is resurrecting the female R&B genre and sticking true to it. Now it’s time for Faith and Kelly P. to follow suit.

Standout: “I’m Here” (from ‘The Color Purple’ musical) - This shit had me on my damn feet.

Grade: 3.5/4

In stores 8/24

There aren't just dumb customers...

There are dumb hotel guests too.

Just because we're right next door to Turner Studios, it doesn't mean I see celebrities.
Parking is free. It's a fricking hotel!!
"Can I speak to the manager?" "Sure, one moment." *transfers*...."I got disconnected. I need the manager." No bitch, you got his voicemail. Leave a message.
WE SAID WE CAN'T EMAIL YOU SHIT WHEN YOU CHECK OUT!!!!! CLEAN YOUR FUCKING EARS!!!
"Is there designated parking?" "No. It's a hotel parking lot for the guest. You can park wherever." "But I just asked if there's designated parking and you said no." *wonders if this bitch heard what I said or knows what designated means*
You don't call the front desk to complain then tip the person you complained about.
Don't sit in the parking lot, call the hotel's front desk to ask questions about the hotel if you're potentially staying there.
"No. Atlantic Station is just within walking distance, we'll walk." Okay. It's hotter than Satan's coochie and A.S. is a 20 minute walk...go 'head on.
Please have the address and building name BEFORE you get on the shuttle.
No, I don't speak Spanish. When I say "Me no speeka dee espanisha", that should be your clue to shut the fuck up.
I don't speak or read Chinese either, so don't put me on the phone with your sister. Chang wong yu fuk me...

And all you black folks, STOP ASKING ME FOR DISCOUNTS!!! You can stay in another hotel other than mine within the company and you'll get NO free rides!

I can only be nice for a while...

From my own personal experiences, meaning how I am, I don't like to bother people who walks around with a bad attitude. Why? Because they seem like they'll blow up on you. I was...no wait, still AM one of those people. There's my roommate. A week ago he thought I was ignoring and disrespecting him, which I wasn't. I CAN show what ignore and disrespect is. However, I have no reason to do either one but he's upset about it and has been walking around with an attitude. I tried to speak to show him that there is no problem between us but he only responds with short word answers and that nasty attitude. In the last 3 days, I haven't said a word. I tried to be nice but it got me nowhere. I decided not to bother him any longer until he visits Dr. Get-over-it. I'm not about to have him blow up at me because then we'd have a very serious problem. But I hope he lets whatever his problem is go before it drives me insane.

Still Waiting for the "Gotcha"

• Montana Fishburne becoming a porn star
• Kat Stacks
• Brian Pumper’s music career
• Nicki Minaj’s “Pink Friday” album title
• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon’s marriage
• Ne-Yo’s so-called baby on the way
• Kanye wanting to work with Justin Bieber
• This crap song that Kanye, Beyonce and Uncle Charlie did
• While I’m at it, Kanye’s “Power” video
• Lil B is THE shit
• You dun goof’d.
• Soulja Boy is one of the greatest rappers of all time
• Kelis’s child & spousal support demands breaking Nas
• Sarah Palin. Nuff said.
• Michael Jackson’s death

I cuss too much...

So I’ve been told.

I say, “So the fuck what?” Like, what the fuck is wrong with saying some damn cuss words? Bitch, it’s just some muthafuckin’ words, shit! If a muthafucka wanna say a muthafuckin’ cuss word then this muthafucka says go the fuck ahead!! If I wanna add a muthafuckin’ cuss word in my muthafuckin’ sentence, it’s because I want the muthafucka to get the full muthafuckin’ effect of the muthafuckin’ point I’m trying to make to the muthafucka. So, muthafucka, if you don’t like it then take your muthafuckin’ ass to another muthafuckin’ room or some shit.

Bitch ass muthafucka.

*Regroups* Sorry, yall. I had a Bernie Mac moment.

Speaking of Bernie Mac:

Watch me burn...

Artist: Eminem featuring Rihanna
Song: Love The Way You Lie
Album: Recovery

The second single and number one hit for Eminem and Rihanna from the platinum number one selling album, Recovery. I love this song. I think the video is nice. Nothing EPIC, just nice. It's nothing to go all gaga over. I also can't see all the hype about Megan Fox. She can't act and she isn't that pretty to me. However, I cannot get past the fact that Rihanna is collaborating with a guy known for domestic violence against his former wife, and seems fine with being featured in a video that displays domestic violence, especially when she's supposed to be the victim given all that she's gone through.But hey, at least she's getting that check.

Love Knocks You Down...

Have you ever grew strong feelings of like for someone that you want to be with them? The two of you talk for a while, start hanging out...having intimate moments of conversation. You reveal your feelings to them and they somewhat vaguely tell you in a why they like you. Crazy feelings of emotions you go through you've never experienced before. However, you agree to remain on the friends level but hope somewhere in the very near future, you'll become more than just friends.

It doesn't happen. They meet someone else and introduce you to them. You play nice like everything is fine. But it's not. Or you start to realize that maybe they just don't want you. You're hurt, broken-hearted and torn apart. You feel all kinds of emotions you've never felt before.

I've been there once before and it feels like I'm there again. I don't want to be. Why is it so hard to let it go?

ATL Diaries: Green and Drama

So, as most of you know, I started my new job last Monday. I'm a shuttle driver for a hotel that I'm not going to say because some of you might come looking for me for discounts and shit. I also do other tasks too but that's besides the point. I started out the first three days with the trainer doing the driving showing me all the routes and spent the final two days of the work week behind the wheel. My first day driving was not that bad though I did hit a few bumps and curbs. The second day was smooth. No bumps or curbs. I pretty much learned the routes and know most of my way around the Midtown/Downtown area now. Don't expect no tours from me. I'll still have you lost. Oh yeah, a piece of information that was omitted when I applied, I get tips too...and don't have to report it. Yay!
But getting to the most important part of this entry: My cousin, who got me the job, was my trainer. He works at another hotel location in the company but used to work at the one I'm at now. So of course, he knows all the people. I like to get to know people upon meeting them and observe their personality, which will let me know if I 'll like them or not. Mind you, I don't go to work to make friends. Some of my coworkers have told me how they don't like some of the others (including not liking my cousin). They were spilling all the tea. I mean, JUICY!! BUT...my fam got my back though. He told me about every single person that is my coworker. Their demeanor, personality, habitat...everything. He's had it out with the cook, who's trying to get all buddy-buddy bestie with me, probably because she knows I'm my cousin's kinfolk and that would piss him off. Oh, and she don't like the gays. Sure enough, she'll figure me out if she hadn't already. Fam told me to draw my own perception of everyone, and I said I will but I stay on alert and guarded. All I can do is take his word and watch out for these folks.
And then there's this cute guy who works the front desk. Well, cute is an understatement. But anyway, I found out that he is a team player ("gay" for you slow folks) but you wouldn't even know it unless your gaydar is THAT DAMN GOOD. But he's one of those Bible-toting, scripture-quoting self-hating types that probably thinks that will make up for his sexuality in the eyes of Gawd. He's cool but if he start preaching, I'm pulling a Madea. You know...put up that church finger and walk away. Nothing against religion as I am "Christian" myself, I just don't do the Bible stuff or the church thing. I have my reasons. Oh but he and my cousin got into it the other day. Man, I tell you, for a gay man who's so masculine, he's apparently a lot of drama. Yeah, we'll just keep it on a somewhat friendly level.

So I'm learning the city a little more, making money and making moves. Next goals: car and my own place...finally. Yeah, I've never had my own place. It's about time. Hopefully by the end of the year.

Oh, and I need something to do for Labor Day weekend. Fam going out of town and the one friend I made here is moving away for a while. I hate being alone for holidays.