The day my life would change...

8.28.04

Austin, TX. 10:30AM.

University of Texas. Jester East dorm.

I had just woken up, stretched while still lying in bed. It was going to be a beautiful Saturday. I just knew it. It was 3 days before classes were to start. I was going to shower, go down for breakfast, call my family back home, talk to my grandmother, relax on 40 Acres Mall with some friends…just basically hang out.

While lying in bed, my phone rings. It was my cousin. He and his family lived just across the highway from campus. I answered, “Good morning”. He asked how I was, asked again making sure I was good. I told him I was fine and feeling good. 

Then he asked, “Are you sitting down?” I told him I was laying down. By this time, I was feeling so good that I hadn’t really caught on to where the conversation was going. There was a small pause, like he was trying to find the right words.

“She’s gone.” I knew what he meant. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t breathe or move. I just froze, staring at the ceiling. My cousin kept calling my name, trying to get my attention and asking if I’m okay. Finally, I said, “I’m fine.” He’d made plans to pick me up and take me to the bus station so I could get home and be with my family. I hung up after that, laid there for a minute then sat up. I looked down at the phone. “My grandmother is gone,” I thought.

Before I knew it, the phone flies across the room into the wall. I was on the floor in tears, screaming. After a while I scrambled across the floor to the phone. Thank God it still worked. I needed to talk to my mother. I desperately NEEDED to talk to her. I couldn’t dial the numbers, kept getting frustrated. After 7 tries, the phone rings…voicemail. My words barely escaped as I couldn’t breathe because of how hard I cried. I needed my mom. So I tried her cell and I got her. She spent the next half hour trying to calm me down over the phone. Ha. I thought I was supposed to console her instead. Mom advised me to get my things together so my cousin can take me to the station to go home. She said everything will be okay. “We’ll be all right. She’s gone home now. She doesn’t have to suffer anymore.” After that, she said she loved me and I was later on the 3 hour trip back to Houston.

Six years later, it’s still not easy. The tears still come. The little things are constantly reminding me of her. From time to time, I hear her voice. I can still smell her scent and hear her laughter. I still expect her to pop up every holiday with a truckload of gifts and lots of food to cook. Man, I miss her cooking. She was the best. A song could be playing and the waterworks would start. I wish she was here to see me now. I know she’s proud of me. I know she sees all the changes in my life and everything that I’ve gone through. The good and the bad. 

I took a moment of silence today at 10:15AM. The time she took her last breath. I decided to write a letter to her. I’ll leave it on her resting place the next time I visit. I miss her so much. I love you, NaNa. See you soon.