ATL Diaries: Where I Am...

I feel so at peace and less stressed now that my apartment is clean and nearly bare as if I just moved in. Glad I cleaned it yesterday.

Today was pretty good. Actually, as a whole, I am feeling much better. Optimistic and ready to make things HAPPEN. Especially for this bare ass apartment. I finally figured the color scheme for my living room and dining areas. I think I'll start painting this summer. 

Today was also casual day for my job, so no uniforms. I apparently was the best looking because everybody was complimenting, even my crush made it a point to tell me how good I looked. Insert blush here.

I've been on the hunt for a new job for the past 2 months. So far, nothing yet. But I'm going to keep trying. The sooner I can get something with better pay, the better I can feel financially comfortable. 

Oh, and my bestie and I are about to start having some fun come June. It's time.

I notice everything...

And by everything, I literally mean everything. I notice when someone stops hitting me up like they used to. I notice when the way someone talks to me starts changing. I notice the little things that people do, and the little things they used to do. I notice when things change, and when it’s no longer the same. I notice every single little detail. I just don't say anything. 

This is completely relevant to my life. [No, I didn't come up with this; it's copy and paste. Deal with it.]

The sad thing is that sometimes, after you've gone your way and let them be, they will suddenly speak to you out of the blue. To them, it's like nothing's changed. Well, actually, you did. They'll call you "stranger", say you don't talk no more and ask why you're acting funny.

Because I don't go out...

My best friend told me that because I don't go out, I'm missing out on meeting someone that could potentially be my first "love". 

I don't go out because I have responsibilities and priorities. My first place on my own...that comes with a lot of bills. Student loans gotta be paid, too. 

So yeah, my ass stays home when I'm not working. Hell, I hadn't been shopping in 6 months...and I'm going crazy about that, lol. If I had a better job that pays better then I'd go out from time to time. But it wouldn't be for looking for a potential someone to string me along and fool me like all the other ones did. I'm over all of that shit.

Flaws and all...

I’m so over letting my insecurities get the best of me.

It’s time I finally get over that. From here on out, I’m going to try my damn best to just embrace every flaw I have. I’m going to love me for ME.

Imperfect teeth? I’ll love them. 

Big nose? I love it. 

Every roll and jiggly flab? I embrace it all………until I get in shape.

I’ve realized I don’t have to be sexy or handsome or look like these guys we reblog and gag over. 

I’m just going to be ME, dammit. Flaws and all.

I’m still going to get in shape though…

Love doesn't live here...

A few months ago, I said I have given up on love.

It seems like suddenly, I'm seeing and hearing all this talk about "love" everywhere. Texts, phone, twitter, tumblr, facebook...you name it. Everybody is either looking for it or found it. Even if it isn't love, they're bragging about being "boo'ed up".

I'm not really bitter about it. I actually genuinely smile for those that found their "love". It makes me happy to see most people still searching for it, and I admire them for not giving up. But for myself, I no longer have this feeling of desire or longing for love. No longer do I believe in love, and after my past experiences trying and hoping to find it, I don't think I'll ever believe again.

Drifting...

I've been distancing myself from everyone lately.

I'm at this point where I'm not feeling anybody. They've all become too...phony, for the lack of a better word. I'm not really surprised about it anymore. People have shown their true colors. The vibes I've been getting, especially from the same people as before. You know they say, "Go with your gut." Well, this feeling has been using my gut as a punching bag and now I'm paying attention.

People that used to fuck with me, don't do so anymore. Some of them will speak if I initiate the conversation, which really isn't a conversation when I feel as though they're replying out of obligation or that I'm forcing them to communicate. A lot of them, I haven't spoken to in a long while. Frankly, I don't give a damn to. Not anymore. Hell, if anyone wants to talk, they know how to reach me.

I used to sit around and think, "Okay, what did I do? Did I say something? Are they mad at me?" Well, you know what, I'm not the problem. People just don't know how to be real anymore. What I give is what I am. I'm not here to be a part time friend for hire when it's convenient for anyone. Fake a friendship? No ma'am, fuck that. I refuse to be in for just a season.

There are best friends I can go days without talking yet it will always be as if we hang out every single day. There's a best friend that if for one day he hadn't heard from me, he'll text me to make sure I'm okay and assured me that I'll never have to question our friendship. I realize that these are the only people I need in my life. Yeah, my circle just got smaller. Avoiding facebook. Twitter deactivated; in this moment, I feel like letting it completely delete after the 30 days. We'll see then. 

I'm just over it all. There comes a time when you realize you don't need anybody. Just yourself and you'll be fine. Well...*cues "Me, Myself and I"*...time for my life to take a vacation from it all.Good time for some wine...

Beautiful Sunrise

Shuffles from behind

A little stir in the sheets

Your arm embrace me

 

Tingles all over

As your skin contacts with mine

A high, this moment

Soft as cotton balls

Your lips exploring the nape

My sweet spot, my neck

I turn to face you

Gaze into your hazel eyes

Piercing through my soul

Je t'adore, you say

Je veux être avec toi

My soul fills with warmth

A kiss of passion

Your hands caressing my face

As we become one

As a light shines through

You embrace me as we watch

Beautiful sunrise.

Whitney Elizabeth Houston

I wasn't ready to do this post.

But after today, the truth finally set in.

Whitney is gone.

She is now in her eternal home.

Words cannot express how I feel right now,

so I won't try.

The tears have been shed.

In a way, I've lost a friend.

I will always look to you for strength,

for courage,

for love,

for faith and believing.

I will always love you, Whitney...

I miss you.

Lame.

I know I’m not popular.

I’m not as outgoing or out there. 

Maybe I’m not even THAT funny.

But I thought I was cool people.

Easy going, fun to be around.

But…someone called me “lame”. 

Never have I ever been called such thing.

I thought I was far from it.

They weren’t joking either.

I spent the past 2 years building my confidence…

Becoming the person I am today…

…now, it’s cracked.

Posed the question to a friend - a bestie - “Am I lame?”

That was 14 hours ago…no response.

Now I wonder how everyone feels…

Especially now when it seems my "friends" have been distant lately...

I don't know what love is...

I don't know what love feels like.

I love my family and friends; I just never had THAT love.
I don't know it.

You know, THAT love you see people gush and blush about.
THAT love where you can't talk about him or her without trying to hide your smile.
Supposedly THAT love when you start to miss him or her yet it hadn't been 24 hours since you last saw them.

The one that makes your pulse race and your heart skip beats.
That sends a chill down your spin the moment your skin contacts.

All of that sappy stuff. I shudder even to think about it.

I doubt if I ever get the chance to experience it.

Frankly, I pretty much don't care to know what love is.