These insecurities of mine...

I know. I'm starting to sound like a depressed broken record...but I wanted to share this.

I recently uploaded this pic as a new default on Twitter.

Bad enough I don't like to take pictures because I almost always never like how I look. But I chose this because it was the first photo of me with my newly retwisted and longer 'locs'.

Later, while I was on Twitter, I noticed I had just lost a follower. As if on cue, I see a tweet from someone I follow:

"Is it bad that I unfollowed someone because of their avatar? #shallow"

Sure enough, thanks to who.unfollowed.me, I confirmed that he was the one that unfollowed...and it was because of my default pic. When I tweeted him, "lol nah you good", all he could say was "eeeeep!" knowing he had been caught.

That really changed my whole mood for the rest of the evening. I changed the picture and sat looking through every photo of me and not liking what I saw. I know I'm not cute at all but to see that I'm that ugly enough for people to unfollow or de-friend me...

I really wish I could see what most of y'all see in me because I can only see what that person saw.

Enough is enough

From now on, I'm never telling anybody I like them.

Whenever I do, one of the following happens:

• We still remain friends and talk like always
• They’ll pretend as if I never existed
• They’ll say we’re still cool and can hang out but then they ignore you

Guess which 2 happened the most?

After this last person, I’m just done with it all. I don’t even give a damn if they say they like me…I’ve been lied to and led on too many times.

I’ve been single 26 years and abstinent from sex for…[a long ass time]…might as well stay that way.

2011 has been good so far...

...but it's bittersweet.

I've come out of my shell, made a few friends...and a best friend for-fucking-ever. I'd say I've become a completely different person and I've made great progress...but the work isn't over.

I've gained a LOT of confidence but still have insecurity issues.

I can talk to just about anybody immediately upon meeting them. Six months ago, I'd be shy and observant of who the individual is and what they're about. The problem is making the first move on someone I like. That, I've never done before.

I've become bold. I mean, I flat-out asked "date" guy if he wanna do it. (If you're slow to understand what I mean, I'm talking about sex) Yeah, I was planning to wait until I get into a relationship but that's not happening for me anytime soon and I'm horny as hell. I mean, it's been...too damn long already. Long enough for me to be considered a virgin.

Sure, I've gotten rejected twice this year but I've been handling it a whole lot better. The first rejection actually prepared me for the 2nd one. Growing some thick skin here.

But what makes things bittersweet is I've lost to very good friends. Well, one I know for sure but the other I have a feeling. That's been one of my besties and I still consider them so but now it's like I'm not their friend anymore. They've been so short with me lately, giving me nothing but the simple "hey" or "yea" or "lol"...nothing else. We used to greet each other like "heyyyyyy" but they don't even do that anymore. I sit here thinking and trying to figure out what it is that I did or said to make them suddenly stop talking to me, so I can apologize. I don't understand it at all. I miss my bestie so much and I want them back.

The other friend I can understand because it's my fault. It would have been better had I never told him I had feelings for him. I guess it's better that he acts as if I don't exist. It still sucks because I still consider him a friend.

I guess I have to just learn that's the way life plays it's game.

The "Date" guy...

So, things aren't going the way I hoped but to be honest, I kind of expected that to happen, especially given my history with guys I've liked. It sort of prepared me for this moment, I guess.

Follow up to: So...first "date"?

I confessed that I like him a lot. I'm not really sure if he feels the same or not but it doesn't even matter anyway. I don't regret telling him but I felt embarrassed and ashamed for the way it happened, though he told me not to be.

Having just gotten out of a relationship, I can understand why he isn't ready to jump into another one. It's best not to bring the issues of the past into a new relationship. I think that's the best thing to do by resolving those issues, and I have a lot of respect for him wanting to do that.

I would love to wait for him, and I wouldn't mind it, but he probably wouldn't want me to do that. During our conversation about love and relationships, like all my friends, he told me not to give up.

At least we can still be friends and hang out. It still kind of sucks though...

The BK drive-thru boy...

Basically, I've been going to BK for breakfast and then I see this really cute guy. Lance is his name. Since then, I've been going back, just to see him. For a while, we never really speak. Just glance and smile.

One day I left my debit card as I paid for my breakfast so I had to go back to get it. Mind you, I told y’all I go there just to see his lil cute ass sometimes. 

When I went back, we actually started having conversations. So I started going there for lunch on some days. He remembers my green debit card and asks if I paid with it. Once, he joked through the speaker, "You better not pay with that card either." He knows my voice. 

But I’ve noticed lately, every time I pull up to the window, he has this look in his eyes…and the way he smiles. You know, when you make eye contact with someone you like and you have this look that shows interest?

And then I get that same look and that same kind of smile when I see him.

There’s an obvious attraction that’s going on between us. And I’m kind of scared about that. 

I’ve been wanting to give him some type of contact, be it Twitter or maybe my phone number but I’m nervous and scared of actually doing that. I’ve never been the first one to actually make the move. 

Another thing, I still very much like the other guy from my previous post (the date post - more on that later). 

I don’t know if I can go through with it…

Dancing the stress away...

I had so much fun with my best friend last night. We were planning to go to Luckie Lounge until my…well, I don’t really know what to call him yet but the guy I had my first ever date with a few weeks ago told me that we should go to First Friday ATL (obviously one of the best parties in ATL), since he was going to be there. **I think he just wanted to see me but to be honest, I wanted to see him too**

We got there kinda early but we kept dancing from the start to the end. “Him” was late but he was looking so good! My best friend approves. They instantly clicked just like I hoped and his friends were all cool. He bought me drinks.

Laz Alonzo *faints*, Biz Markie and Mannie Fresh were all there.

I'm glad I got out to have fun. I needed to let go of all the stress I've been through lately. I've written some things but I haven't decided if I'm going to post them yet.

*****My bestie texted me talking about how much I was blushing. I was not! Not that much.

Over it all...

I'm really irritated right now.

For the past week I've been so tired and irritated by every little thing. When I get that way, I start over-thinking and over-analyzing everything.

I feel so alone right now. Yeah, I'm talking to a few people here and there but I'm always putting on this smile to hide what's really going through my mind. As much as I try to remain positive and optimistic about everything, there's always something else. Today, a couple of people actually saw through that fake ass smile. One said they will pray for me.

I know I have a few friends but it feels like I don't. Only one here in ATL, while the others that could have been flaked. Well, one I can understand because it's my fault that I opened my big ass mouth about my feelings for him. So I don't blame him for not wanted to know me anymore. All my other friends are out of state. My family is far, too.

I promised I wouldn't give up on dating and looking for love but I'm just over it because it's like it's never going to happen. I meet a guy, get to know him and like him...he flirts. But that's all that happens. He flirts and that's it. It goes nowhere and I'm left to pick up the broken pieces of my face after I realize it. "Keep trying", they say. If not ONE guy I've ever liked, had feelings for or talked to ever liked me back then what's the point? I'm at the point now that I want to delete my Twitter and FB. I could just unfollow and unfriend a couple of people but there's too many mutual friends that I'll never be rid of them completely.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the problem. I feel like I've annoyed people and drove them away. Perhaps I'm not good enough, or cute enough, or worthy enough for anyone to want.

I'm starting to feel like a big waste of space. And no, this is not a suicide letter. I don't have the time for all that.

A couple of movies...

Fast Five

Ever wondered why a movie franchise keeps making sequels that keeps getting worst with each film? Yeah, I felt the same for this one. So naturally, I was skeptical in seeing this but I'm glad I did. Boy, was I wrong! This film was certainly MILES better than the last 2. No, LIGHTYEARS!!! Vin Diesel, my baby daddy Paul Walker, Tyrese, and Ludacris all reprise their roles, teaming up for a big job. Throw The Rock in to the mix and you have a sexy orgy. Well, not really...but they're all sexy. A fucking plus.

Rio

I love family movies. This one, of course, did not fail me. Great funny movie. Go see it! B+