ATL Diaries: Getting out...

Okay, so I haven't really been getting out much in a while. For one, it's been so damn cold, you'd think Hell had frozen. Then there was the snow and ice storm, which I don't do well in. Then there's been me working a lot of OT. Plus, I hate going places on my own. Like, I really hate it.

So I've decided to make a change. This past weekend, I made my way to Buckhead. I walked around Lenox Square for a bit, studying the mall and which stores are there. Gotta know the place for when I'm ready go shopping. After that, I walked down to Barnes and Nobles, picked up E. Lynn Harris' "Basketball Jones" and a political thriller "Dark Horse" (I'm a political junkie). Also, I sat in Starbucks drinking a green tea frappucino and tweeting.

The next day I decided to go to Piedmont Park to start reading "Dark Horse" but little did I know, all the "kidz" were out going to the park. So I decided to sit in Subway, grabbed a bite to eat and started reading. As I was making my way back to the bus stop, some guy with a group of friends decided to try and get my attention by repeatedly yelling, "Aye, homeboy". I completely ignored him and his friends. Just a moment earlier, they were cussing and flipping someone off publicly and loudly. I refuse to give my attention to someone who's mentally still in high school and has lack of respect. It didn't matter how sexy he was. Not happening.

Here it is, only Monday, and I'm already looking forward to the weekend. I want to go out and have drinks someone and catch a movie. I can't just sit in the house all the time anymore. I have to get out there if I want to end up meeting someone. But mostly, I'm just trying to treat myself. #MeTime

The thing about love...

Basically, it's bullshit.

You ever met someone and y'all start "talking" and getting to know each other? You find out that y'all like each other...a lot. You talk about the future, about marriage, about starting a family and how many kids you want. Your feelings grow into something more and you think, "Finally, this is it. This is my chance."

Then you hear those three damn words that dooms everything to hell. "We're just friends." Now, that someone barely talks to you, even when you just say "hi". It's too late. Your feelings are already stronger. You hold on to that last little bit of hope. A change. But it doesn't happen. Instead, you get that final nail in the coffin. You're left heartbroken and shitted on by this so-called "love".

It happened to me. Twice. In fact, the first time, I had already given my virginity then left feeling non-existent. That was almost 11 years ago, the very last time I ever...did it. This time, it never got to that. No, I just got placed into the friend zone. Then my calls and texts stopped being answered. Even my tweets got no response. I became...invisible.

I've been an emotional wreck lately. I think I did something. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not good enough. It doesn't matter now because I've lost. There's possibly someone else in their picture. How do I handle that? How can I just turn these feelings off? Where's the fucking easy button??? If only I can press "Rewind" to the point that I let him in...and not let him in. If only I knew I was going to get hurt again.

But now, it's not going to happen again. I used to want to experience my first love, my first relationship...the dreams I had. I give up.

Dear Love...

Dear Love, you suck.
You said I'll have my chance with you.
Instead, I'm fucked.
Twice now I've been burned by you.
Thought it was finally happening,
Finally, there was someone for me
Only to have the rug pulled from under my feet.
I've been fooled,
I've been played.
Now I'm left with my heart in pieces,
A stream of tears down my cheek.
All the time I've been waiting
You couldn't wait to knock me down.
I'm tired.
I don't feel like getting back up.
I don't want to try again.
Love, I'm giving up on you, once and for all
Whenever you show your face,
I'm turning you away,
No matter the many good intentions you have.
If all you're going to do is hurt me,
I don't want it.
I don't believe in you anymore.
This day going forward, you're non-existent.
Happiness shouldn't leave me broken
But you did.
I know it won't get better,
I know I'll never get that chance.
So I'm just done.
Fuck you.

-A shattered heart.

I had a whole entry ready to post...

But I can't post it. Right now, at this very moment, I am crying my eyes out. I'm an emotional wreck and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I fell in love and didn't know it. I've never had it before. And now [HE] doesn't like me like I thought. It's like [he] doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

Marsha Ambrosius fights for us...

Marsha Ambrosius, "Far Away"

If there was ever a music video that literally had me tearing up, it’s this one. Very powerful, very unexpected. It’s about time that a famous “sistah” showed her support in such a way Marsha just did. I hope to see this video make the countdown on BET but knowing how some ignorant folks could be…


I can't help but think about how the guy at that committed suicide could have been me last year...

Insecurities are a bitch...

So I have self-esteem issues. I'm human.

I'm not slim, fit and toned, or built and muscular like the other guys.
I don't have the perfect lips or the sleepy bedroom eyes.
My nose is big, and I hate taking pictures because I never look good enough.
I'm short and I hate my smile.
I'm not perfect.

Yeah, yeah, "nobody's perfect, we all got flaws"...
Still, that doesn't make it any better.
The fact that I get stuck in the friend zone doesn't help.
That fucking friend zone.
Isn't that for the ugly friend?
You know, when the cute guy or girl you like doesn't like you back?
Yep, that means something is wrong with me.
Or I'm way out of my league.
Which, again, STILL doesn't make it any better.

He flirts with me, talks to me, gets to know me.
Then asks to send a pic...you know those kind of pics.
Or maybe a video...put it on Xtube.
I hesitate, what's he going to think?
Will he stop talking to me? Will he lie?
I can't do it.
I'm not like those guys...

Insecurities are a bitch.
But I can't help it.
I wish I was a 32 instead of 42.
I wish I had a washboard.
Can't even wear a muscle shirt.
I just want to look like the sexy dudes...
The ones that everybody always fall out for.
I want to go to the beaches and pools
To be able to swim and walk around with no shirt.
Is that too much to ask?
Hell, I'm tired of this jelly.

So I'm not cute, I'm not sexy.
People will say I am just to make me feel better.
Truth is, it doesn't but I always smile to hide.
Damn. Fuck you, Insecurity!

Looking Back...2010

I made it. I’m still alive. I doubt that I would still be breathing. Last year was life-changing, something I never saw coming. God had a plan.

I was going through a rough time then and because of my sister, my whole life changed six months ago. For the first half of the year, I’d been struggling with finding out who I was. I was unemployed, depressed and a bad period of my past was haunting me. And a secret that was threatened to be revealed. But because of a note that I’d written and my sister found, everything that happened next turned things around.

My cousin here in ATL helped me get a job, prompting me to leave my family and friends in Houston. A day before I left, she (my sister) and my mom told me they knew about the letter and what I was going through, all the secrets I poured into that letter. The best part of it all was me coming out to my family. They showed me how much I was loved, that they accepted me for who I am no matter what, because I’m still me…I’m still AJ. It only upset them that I never talked to them, that I felt the need to hide, that it got to the point that I was ready to end it all. I’m happier (besides in the relationship/love department, lol) and healthier, and living my life out of the shadows. My best friend and I are closer than ever, and I’m making new friends (besides Tumblr and Twitter…can’t have my life be THAT bored).

There’s still some things I need to work on in 2011, such as my insecurities and gaining self-confidence.

Until then, I’m still me. I’m still AJ. Only better.

Now…about this love department thing…