ATL Diaries: Coming Out...

I posted a while back that I was going to come out to my best friend. And as you all know, or maybe you've been hiding under a rock, this past Monday was National Coming Out day. I was intending to write a letter because I didn't think I'd be able to get everything out over the phone. However, when I realized on Monday that it was Coming Out day, I decided to send an email because I felt more confident that day. The entire time I was typing, I was a nervous wreck. I was scared. I almost didn't press "send".

But I'm glad I did. My phone vibrated signaling a text message. It was from my best friend.

"Awwww...I'm here for you no matter what and I'm glad u are happy"

I don't do crying, except when watching The Lion King. But dammit if I didn't cry like a lil bitch after reading that. She's the greatest. Someone once told me, "Once you got a good friend, they will ALWAYS be your friend." I have a good, true friend. The next day we spent 3 hours on the phone as normal. Well, till my phone died. But it was like nothing's changed.

Today, all of my friends and family knows, and I have their love and support. I should have just come out years ago. SMH. As my good bestie Peppah would say, "You're a gay now!"

Side note: my new friend here figured out I have a crush on our coworker aka the "Bible Toter". I don't know how she figured it out but she did, lol.

If you ask me, I'm ready...

No, I'm not talking about doing the unthinkable...although, I'm ready for that too.

I'm talking about finally coming out to the rest of my family and friends. I've become quite comfortable with who I am, not only as a person, but as a gay black man. Saying the words to a stranger, "I'm gay". The only thing is being able to talk about what happened to me as a child is not easy, and so is talking about the struggle in dealing with that and accepting myself. But last night, while talking to my friend, I realized that it's time. I can't keep this from them forever. My mom and sister chose to let me decide when I'm ready and, well, I'm ready.

But...the challenge is my best friend from back home. You know, the one that has more than just feelings for me? The church going choir director who says that she doesn't believe homosexuality is natural. She's kinda homophobic but not really. It's going to be really hard to tell her. I'm considering a written letter would be better to just lay everything out. I'm just not sure how to tell her yet but I know I want her to be the first person to know and that she should hear it from me, not anyone else. I owe her that much.

So I came out...

...the other day to my cousin, whom I'm staying with here in ATL. Yeah, he's gay too.

He had asked if I wanted to go out to the club with him and his friends, so I told him "sure". He then emphasized it's a gay club. I told him, "So."

A few days later, he wanted to see if I was sure if I'd have no problem going to a gay club, right? So he asked me why, and I told him "because I am."

"You are what?"
"Gay."
"Are you sure?"
*Blank stare*
"Fuck you mean, am I sure?"

Basically, he kept asking question after question. I had to explain how and why I was sure. I wasn't even prepared for where this conversation was going.

"Do you want to be with a guy?"
"Have you been with a girl? Did you like it? How was it?"
"When was the last time you've been with a guy?"
"How many guys?"
"Tell me about your first time."
"Did you give or receive?"
"How did you know about 'cleaning yourself'?"
"Where have you had sex?"
"How big were these dudes?"
"Do you still talk to them?"
"Are you talking to someone now?"
"Are you going to give up the goodies to him?"

Needless to say, this was the most craziest, awkward conversation I've ever had. Then he had to make me tell him the words "I'm gay" because I've never really spoke them before. Countless times. Until I got comfortable saying it. I think I was comfortable by the 2nd time but he was being an ass. I love my crazy kinfolk.

I'm not alone...

This past Sunday night (Fourth of July), my best friend and my mom threw me a going away party. It was amazing spending my last full day in Houston with my friends and family before I leave to Atlanta. As the evening winded down, my mom gathered my siblings and I into a room for a private discussion. My little brother walked out because he was "hurt". I didn't know what that was about but it was now just my mom, my sister and me. Next thing I knew, my worst fear was happening. They told me that they knew. They knew everything. I was scared, my heart started beating faster and my breathing began to speed up. A few weeks ago, my sister accidentally came across a four-page paper that I had written when I was having a bad moment. She had read it. She found out how I felt with everything I had been through in the past. She found out I was molested as a child by a family member I trusted...one I looked up to. (I didn't include the person's name) She found out that I felt alone and scared, that it seemed like I had nobody to be there for me. She found out...that I'm gay. My sister told my mom and brother about the note. They didn't care about the part about my sexuality. What hurt them the most was the fact that I had gotten to a point where I wanted to leave this life. Yes, I had also wrote about killing myself so I wouldn't have to deal with my family hating me. That part is what mattered to them. They assured me that I should have just told them the truth and that nothing would be different. All of them still love me no matter what. They accept me for who I am, and want what's best for me. They just want me to be who I am and not have to hide from them anymore. In fact, my sister thought me being gay was cool, lol. As for the person that did what they had done to me, my mom won't pressure me into telling their identity. She's leaving that up to me, if and when I feel that the time is right. However, I don't think she'd be able to handle it. I wouldn't be able to handle telling her. So it turned out that this was the reason my brother was hurt. He told me if he found how who it was, he'd kill them. This is my little bro, who I raised while my mom worked numerous jobs. I'm sitting here right now with tears in my eyes, remembering that look he had in his eyes. 

I feel relieved now, to know that my family has my back and that I am loved. I'm no longer faced with the fear of having to come out to them. I love them, and I've been saying this so much, but I'm going to miss them. As I leave for ATL tonight, I don't have to worry about them worrying about me. As for my extended family, I don't have to tell them (my fam is leaving that up to me). If they find out then they find out. Besides, my immediate family are the only ones that matter.

Obviously not-so breaking news...

Ricky Martin has finally opened the door to the glass closet and stepped out. You may now return to your regularly boring life.

Seriously. Ellen, we knew it. Clay Aiken, we knew it. Lance Bass, we frickin' knew it! What's the difference between them and Ricky? NOT A DAMN THING!

In a public letter posted on his website, after many years of having to live in silence and being told by the industry *feigned shock* NOT to reveal is not-so secret sexual orientation, Martin has finally declared that he is "a fortunate homosexual man", and that he is "very blessed" to be who he is.

Since the letter is so damn long and I'm feeling too lazy to post it, you can read it HERE.

Can we get a REAL surprise coming out story, like T.I. or Denzel or Bow Wow. Well, Bow Wow wouldn't be so surprising...

*Throws confetti and twirls* Now we can sing "HE Bangs"...