Road to 27...

Looking back on the last year of my life as I approach the 27th anniversary of my world debut (yes, I said world debut), I would like to acknowledge the growth and progress that I've made to get where I am now.

Yes, I know I talk too much about mu problems and growth and all that but I don't give a damn so you're just going to have to deal with it.

This time last year I had just come out to my extended family and friends, still struggling with how to live my life as an openly gay man, coming to terms with who I am and adjusting to life in a new city. Yeah, there were some huge changes. But the changes didn't stop there.

I've become more open and outgoing, so much that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. No longer am I this shy guy. I say the firs thing that come to mind, which I better chill out before that gets me into trouble. I've been working to become more independent. I'm living my life and loving the hell out of it. Like everyone I know, I continue to discover a new side of me. Half the time, it shocks the hell out of me.

This last year ha taught me so much about friends and the people I'm supposed to trust. Sometimes you really don't know people and what they can do, and before you know it, you'll end up on the receiving end of bullshit. It taught me a lesson. After re-evaluating some of the relationships in my life, I learned that keeping a smaller circle is best. Some people I had to let go. Some were easy, some weren't. There were a few who showed their true character that made it easy. I had to eliminate the unnecessary drama because there was no place for it in my life anymore. So my circle is small. All I need are my besties: my girls Kena and Nikki, and my crazy bestie bitches Randy, Marcus and Steven. I love them all. The greatest group of best friends I could ever ask for. I honestly really don't want to know what would happen if we were all in the same room together. o_O

I also learned a lot about love. It's all a game. It's bullshit. I pretty much don't believe in it anymore. I mean, for other people, I do but for myself? I don't believe in it. After dealing with all the guys I've come across and the way they treated me, lied or whatever, I'm just done. My walls are back up and staying there. No more believing what any guy says to me. If there ever is a guy that actually means what he says comes my way, he's going to have a hard time trying to get through to me. Good luck with that.

Oh, and 2 of the best additions in my life ----> Jody and Dylan (search the blog lol). Hey, I'm exploring. Well...that and actually getting some.

Every day that you live is a lesson. C'est la vie, che.

Meet Dylan.

Good times ahead.

Here I Am

I'm standing here, right now
Tall, strong...before your eyes
A fighter, a survivor...surprised?
I bet you are

I'm not supposed to be here
Alive, breathing...
But I'm standing here, right now
Should've been gone a long time ago
I should have taken the easy way out
But I'm standing here, right now

You told me I wouldn't make it
Told me I was weak, a punk
But I'm standing here, right now
You said the world was too big for me
It wouldn't be long before I get crushed
But I'm still standing here, right now

You said I was worthless
That no one would give a damn
I wasn't important
And I guess I'm dumb as hell, too

I would never amount to anything
I didn't have any potential
You had no faith in me
Always so quick to put me down
But I'm standing here, right now

You were a phony friend
That slithering snake hissing in the grass
Backstabbing, conniving
Sure talked a lot of shit

Maybe I was a little weak
And I believed it all, silly me
I was bullied and beaten
Stoned, burned and taken advantage of

It's time I rise to the surface
I'm done drowning
I been through too damn much
Even have to fight myself to win

I'm standing here, right now
My head looking toward the clear blue cloudless sky
I throw my fists up in victory
You heard me....I made it
Here I am

Interracial? Me? Hmm...

Funny, I just thought about this.

Me, dating outside my race. A sexy white dude. Maybe Italian or Latino. Never Asian though. Like, I thought about how I've only liked black guys and the only ones I've talked to in hopes of finally getting my first boyfriend or relationship with but it never happened. After being rejected, disappointed, heartbroken and all that other blahzay blahzay...I just gave up on it all. Until just a moment ago.

For a split second, I thought that maybe I need to try talking to guys outside my own race. Maybe it would be better. Maybe one of those guys would actually LIKE me or make the effort to try to be with me instead of spitting bullshit game and leading me on. I love my bruthas but the way they act has completely turned me off trying this dating shit.

I know, I know. They're not ALL the same. But it's just there haven't been ONE brutha I've met that actually wanted to make more than just 'something' happen. By 'something', I mean sex. It seems that's all they want. And that comes with prerequisites: you have to be a certain shade, size, height, build, length and girth, and packing in the trunk. Compared to the ones I see around, I can't even compete at all.

Yeah, I've broken out of my shell and became more open and outgoing but I've already given up on wasting my time with dudes. Yes, ALL dudes. I love my bruthas too much to ditch them for another race.

Maybe I should just get some cats...

When you're not looking...

Not long ago, I’ve decided to stop looking to date or for a relationship. I tried but it wasn’t happening.

Then people tell you this shit: “When you’re not looking is when it will happen.”

I haven’t been looking during 98% of my lifetime and STILL never been on a date or in a relationship.

So the next person that says it when I tell them I’m not (or no longer) looking for someone to be with, I’m punching faces.

7 years...

08.28.04. Three words changed my life.

Seven years ago, 10:23am CT. UT-Austin Jester West dorm. I woke up and saw my roommate was still out. I was feeling great. I was going to get up, shower, get breakfast and hang with my friends. But 10:26am CT, my phone rang. My cousin was asking if I was up…how was I doing…then said: “She’s gone, man.”

My grandmother succumbed to lung cancer, that had spread to her brain and her bones. How did I take it? Let’s just say I threw the phone across the room. After a couple of minutes, I pulled myself together. My mother was going to need me so I needed to be strong for her and my little brother and sister. Packed and made the 3 hour trip back to Houston.

To this day, I still haven’t completely mourned. I hear her voice, her laughter. I can still smell her. I still wait to hear that surprise knock on the door, to see that 1995 blue Dodge Dynasty pull in the driveway 3 days before Christmas filled with gifts and food, to wake up to the smell of Thanksgiving dinner creeping from the kitchen to the my room.

I left for school. The last thing I ever said to her was “See you later, granny.” The call came a week later.

I miss you.

Happy 100th Lucy!

Lucille Ball is my all-time favorite. In fact, her show "I Love Lucy" is my all-time favorite. There's nobody like her. Today marks what would have been her 100th birthday. Lucy passed away in 1989 at 77 years old.