Because I don't go out...

My best friend told me that because I don't go out, I'm missing out on meeting someone that could potentially be my first "love". 

I don't go out because I have responsibilities and priorities. My first place on my own...that comes with a lot of bills. Student loans gotta be paid, too. 

So yeah, my ass stays home when I'm not working. Hell, I hadn't been shopping in 6 months...and I'm going crazy about that, lol. If I had a better job that pays better then I'd go out from time to time. But it wouldn't be for looking for a potential someone to string me along and fool me like all the other ones did. I'm over all of that shit.

Love doesn't live here...

A few months ago, I said I have given up on love.

It seems like suddenly, I'm seeing and hearing all this talk about "love" everywhere. Texts, phone, twitter, tumblr, facebook...you name it. Everybody is either looking for it or found it. Even if it isn't love, they're bragging about being "boo'ed up".

I'm not really bitter about it. I actually genuinely smile for those that found their "love". It makes me happy to see most people still searching for it, and I admire them for not giving up. But for myself, I no longer have this feeling of desire or longing for love. No longer do I believe in love, and after my past experiences trying and hoping to find it, I don't think I'll ever believe again.

Beautiful Sunrise

Shuffles from behind

A little stir in the sheets

Your arm embrace me

 

Tingles all over

As your skin contacts with mine

A high, this moment

Soft as cotton balls

Your lips exploring the nape

My sweet spot, my neck

I turn to face you

Gaze into your hazel eyes

Piercing through my soul

Je t'adore, you say

Je veux être avec toi

My soul fills with warmth

A kiss of passion

Your hands caressing my face

As we become one

As a light shines through

You embrace me as we watch

Beautiful sunrise.

I don't know what love is...

I don't know what love feels like.

I love my family and friends; I just never had THAT love.
I don't know it.

You know, THAT love you see people gush and blush about.
THAT love where you can't talk about him or her without trying to hide your smile.
Supposedly THAT love when you start to miss him or her yet it hadn't been 24 hours since you last saw them.

The one that makes your pulse race and your heart skip beats.
That sends a chill down your spin the moment your skin contacts.

All of that sappy stuff. I shudder even to think about it.

I doubt if I ever get the chance to experience it.

Frankly, I pretty much don't care to know what love is.

Family Rock

My grandmother and aunts.

Nothing like strong black Creole women that keeps a big...and I mean BIG...family together.

The 2nd from the right is my 2nd mom. To think, just 4 months ago, she was knocking on death's door.

Sigh...

Suddenly, I find myself liking someone. Him...a lot.
But...I've given up on the love & relationship thing.
I'm done with it. Nothing but games, it is.

Should I tell him? Yes, you'll say.
He'll never know though. To my grave, my feelings will go.

Hurt, rejected, disappointed. Led on...
Once was already enough.
But thrice? I'm over love.

Miss out on holding him, kissing him, making love...
Cuffin' season, a "boo"...?
I'm good. Can't miss something I never had.

And the worst part?
He lives in my hometown...half a country away.

Yeah, I'm happy enough as is.
I'll get over it...

Road to 27...

Looking back on the last year of my life as I approach the 27th anniversary of my world debut (yes, I said world debut), I would like to acknowledge the growth and progress that I've made to get where I am now.

Yes, I know I talk too much about mu problems and growth and all that but I don't give a damn so you're just going to have to deal with it.

This time last year I had just come out to my extended family and friends, still struggling with how to live my life as an openly gay man, coming to terms with who I am and adjusting to life in a new city. Yeah, there were some huge changes. But the changes didn't stop there.

I've become more open and outgoing, so much that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. No longer am I this shy guy. I say the firs thing that come to mind, which I better chill out before that gets me into trouble. I've been working to become more independent. I'm living my life and loving the hell out of it. Like everyone I know, I continue to discover a new side of me. Half the time, it shocks the hell out of me.

This last year ha taught me so much about friends and the people I'm supposed to trust. Sometimes you really don't know people and what they can do, and before you know it, you'll end up on the receiving end of bullshit. It taught me a lesson. After re-evaluating some of the relationships in my life, I learned that keeping a smaller circle is best. Some people I had to let go. Some were easy, some weren't. There were a few who showed their true character that made it easy. I had to eliminate the unnecessary drama because there was no place for it in my life anymore. So my circle is small. All I need are my besties: my girls Kena and Nikki, and my crazy bestie bitches Randy, Marcus and Steven. I love them all. The greatest group of best friends I could ever ask for. I honestly really don't want to know what would happen if we were all in the same room together. o_O

I also learned a lot about love. It's all a game. It's bullshit. I pretty much don't believe in it anymore. I mean, for other people, I do but for myself? I don't believe in it. After dealing with all the guys I've come across and the way they treated me, lied or whatever, I'm just done. My walls are back up and staying there. No more believing what any guy says to me. If there ever is a guy that actually means what he says comes my way, he's going to have a hard time trying to get through to me. Good luck with that.

Oh, and 2 of the best additions in my life ----> Jody and Dylan (search the blog lol). Hey, I'm exploring. Well...that and actually getting some.

Every day that you live is a lesson. C'est la vie, che.

Interracial? Me? Hmm...

Funny, I just thought about this.

Me, dating outside my race. A sexy white dude. Maybe Italian or Latino. Never Asian though. Like, I thought about how I've only liked black guys and the only ones I've talked to in hopes of finally getting my first boyfriend or relationship with but it never happened. After being rejected, disappointed, heartbroken and all that other blahzay blahzay...I just gave up on it all. Until just a moment ago.

For a split second, I thought that maybe I need to try talking to guys outside my own race. Maybe it would be better. Maybe one of those guys would actually LIKE me or make the effort to try to be with me instead of spitting bullshit game and leading me on. I love my bruthas but the way they act has completely turned me off trying this dating shit.

I know, I know. They're not ALL the same. But it's just there haven't been ONE brutha I've met that actually wanted to make more than just 'something' happen. By 'something', I mean sex. It seems that's all they want. And that comes with prerequisites: you have to be a certain shade, size, height, build, length and girth, and packing in the trunk. Compared to the ones I see around, I can't even compete at all.

Yeah, I've broken out of my shell and became more open and outgoing but I've already given up on wasting my time with dudes. Yes, ALL dudes. I love my bruthas too much to ditch them for another race.

Maybe I should just get some cats...

When you're not looking...

Not long ago, I’ve decided to stop looking to date or for a relationship. I tried but it wasn’t happening.

Then people tell you this shit: “When you’re not looking is when it will happen.”

I haven’t been looking during 98% of my lifetime and STILL never been on a date or in a relationship.

So the next person that says it when I tell them I’m not (or no longer) looking for someone to be with, I’m punching faces.

Blast from the Past...

So there's this guy I've known since middle school. Well, we used to do a few "things" back then.

A few months ago, we found each other on Facebook (I know, I know) and reminisced about the past and the "good times" we had. We've been talking a lot since then. But lately, the past week, seemed a little different from our normal talks. 

It all started with his comments on my photos from the photoshoot with Deonte K (See previous post). Now, he wants to get to know me...more than he already does. Mind, body & soul. But I had to tell him "friends first" then see what happens from there. Plus, he lives in Denver. I've never had a relationship before so long distance is something I don't know about. That's even scarier.

With my history in these situations, I'm not ready to let my brick walls come down again. I can't do it. He's a great guy and we have that history, and I realize the feelings I had then are still there but I'd rather save myself from getting my hopes up and getting heartbroken and disappointed. If it happens, so be it. All I know is right this moment, I got to protect myself and my feelings. 

I gave up on trying to find and fall in love. I don't want it nor do I care for it anymore. Thanks to all the guys in my past that I could have had a relationship with, I've learned that what they tell you is just a game. Flirting is a game. How or what they feel about you...all lies. 

So I thought maybe I'll play the game, too. Well, just not with him though.

Life & Desires

For us to avoid heartbreak and disappointment, we allow ourselves to never let something that could good for us happen. We do that because of our past experiences; it discourages us. We just give up. We stop trying because we don’t want to deal with it anymore. So we force ourselves to believe that we are happy with the way things are, forgetting the one thing we desire is still in our hearts.
Many will say that we will regret that decision of giving up when we get older but that one thing we desire doesn’t define our lives. Its how we live our lives, experiencing and exploring and having fun. Living…that’s what defines your life.
When you get older, you should be able to look back and say, “I’ve lived a great life with no regrets.” No regrets because you stop putting all your energy into that one desire that keeps disappointing you or breaking your heart & into living. Never think you’re a fool for letting your guard down for anything or anyone. Its because of our past that we have good reason to keep it up.
Trust me, it saves us a lot of tears.

Enough is enough

From now on, I'm never telling anybody I like them.

Whenever I do, one of the following happens:

• We still remain friends and talk like always
• They’ll pretend as if I never existed
• They’ll say we’re still cool and can hang out but then they ignore you

Guess which 2 happened the most?

After this last person, I’m just done with it all. I don’t even give a damn if they say they like me…I’ve been lied to and led on too many times.

I’ve been single 26 years and abstinent from sex for…[a long ass time]…might as well stay that way.

The "Date" guy...

So, things aren't going the way I hoped but to be honest, I kind of expected that to happen, especially given my history with guys I've liked. It sort of prepared me for this moment, I guess.

Follow up to: So...first "date"?

I confessed that I like him a lot. I'm not really sure if he feels the same or not but it doesn't even matter anyway. I don't regret telling him but I felt embarrassed and ashamed for the way it happened, though he told me not to be.

Having just gotten out of a relationship, I can understand why he isn't ready to jump into another one. It's best not to bring the issues of the past into a new relationship. I think that's the best thing to do by resolving those issues, and I have a lot of respect for him wanting to do that.

I would love to wait for him, and I wouldn't mind it, but he probably wouldn't want me to do that. During our conversation about love and relationships, like all my friends, he told me not to give up.

At least we can still be friends and hang out. It still kind of sucks though...

The BK drive-thru boy...

Basically, I've been going to BK for breakfast and then I see this really cute guy. Lance is his name. Since then, I've been going back, just to see him. For a while, we never really speak. Just glance and smile.

One day I left my debit card as I paid for my breakfast so I had to go back to get it. Mind you, I told y’all I go there just to see his lil cute ass sometimes. 

When I went back, we actually started having conversations. So I started going there for lunch on some days. He remembers my green debit card and asks if I paid with it. Once, he joked through the speaker, "You better not pay with that card either." He knows my voice. 

But I’ve noticed lately, every time I pull up to the window, he has this look in his eyes…and the way he smiles. You know, when you make eye contact with someone you like and you have this look that shows interest?

And then I get that same look and that same kind of smile when I see him.

There’s an obvious attraction that’s going on between us. And I’m kind of scared about that. 

I’ve been wanting to give him some type of contact, be it Twitter or maybe my phone number but I’m nervous and scared of actually doing that. I’ve never been the first one to actually make the move. 

Another thing, I still very much like the other guy from my previous post (the date post - more on that later). 

I don’t know if I can go through with it…

Wet Dreams...

So...for 4 nights in a row, I've been having very intense sexual dreams about someone...a friend...that I shouldn't have been dreaming about in that way. Of course, I can't control my dreams. I wish I could so it wouldn't have happened more than one night.

But the dreams have had me feeling some type of way. I don't know why I was dreaming about this person like that or what it could have meant. **I'm never giving a name so don't even ask**

It made me feel awkward, especially when one morning after one of the sexual fantasies, I woke up to a text from this person.

However, another friend explained something to me that gave me a perspective on why I was having the dreams:

"You're most open with him and he has qualities you like. So it's not him you want. You just want someone like him to love."

The dreams have stopped since.

Don't be so surprised...

Why when I always tell someone that I've never been in a relationship, on a date or that I've never been somebody's boyfriend...they respond with shock, surprise, disbelief?

"Omg, you've never had a relationship?" Uh, like, that's what I just said, you dumb ass. Did I miss a memo that I was supposed to be in one? And the assholes that tells me I'm too cute to have been single for so long. Yeah, tell that to the guys that don't even look my way or the guys that rejected me.

Then they ask in my opinion the stupidest question..."Why?"

That brings up old feelings. Pain, heartbreak, rejection...insecurities. I mean, who wants to talk about that, especially when they're trying to remain moved on from it? It's all why I'm still single. So at this point, I don't really give a damn about being somebody's boyfriend. I don't look forward to it either.

So the next time somebody acts all shocked, I'm punching them in the face.

A little hope: valentine. (by @iPEPPAH)

Days have elapsed & you’re not here
Months have gone by & you’re miles away
It’s been almost a year &
I still remember your lips
Your smooth skin, your ability to make me shy

I remember when I held you
Your body was so soft
Your skin taste so sweet
I remember kissing your neck
While my hands were around you

Could he be mine one day? I asked myself
Time was against us but
I felt special that morning
Knowing you were right there with me
My world felt untroubled

Reminiscing on the time we had
I wish I could have talked to you more
I wish I could have guarded you longer
I wish I could have whispered more in your ear
I wish our meaningful dialogue would have never ended

I know I’m no longer in the running
I lost the race
I just knew you were too good to be true
So delightful, so enduring, so clever
The person you are, I will soon meet again

Someone like you will enter my universe &
When he comes, I will not forget you
But until he comes
You will remain my intangible valentine
This gave me a little bit of hope when it comes to love after reading. You guys should check out my bestie Peppah's blog for more writings. I swear sometimes it's like he's in my brain. He's very talented. Click for his blog ---> Free.Xonee

Some things are better left unsaid...

Let's just say that phase couldn't be further from the truth.

You know that moment you have where you do something or say something, and you later regret it ever happening and wish you can take it back. I'm talking that you would give your LIFE to take that moment back. I had that moment a couple of weeks ago.

I dealt with a lot at that time, emotionally. By the way, I'm doing a lot better and taking it day to day. It's going to take some time to get over it completely. It helped to talk about what I was feeling with the person I felt for. Now I wish I could take back everything my big ass mouth revealed. But the damage has already been done.

We've drifted apart. I feel like, because I opened my mouth, I lost a cool good friend that barely speaks to me anymore. Or won't speak to me at all. I lost a cool good friend that won't hang out with me because he'll feel uncomfortable. I lost a cool good friend that probably thinks I'm crazy.

I don't know, maybe I am. And it's all my fault.

I shouldn't have caught feelings. I set myself up to fall. I should have just kept it all a secret. Obviously, I didn't learn the lesson from the first time. But this time, I got it. Will I try dating again? I don't know. Am I going to turn down anyone that tries to talk to me? Probably. Right now, I'm not the least bit optimistic about this dating and love thing. It's just not happening for me, and probably never will.

But if...and that's a BIG "if"...I were to end up in a situation where I have feelings for someone, you can believe that I'm keeping my mouth shut.

So I won't try to talk to or bother [him] anymore. I won't continue to try being friendly as if nothing happened. I want to apologize. I want to tell [him] I'm sorry for telling [him] my feelings. But I know he's not going to listen. I'm pretty sure the "friends" ship sunk faster than the Titanic. Yeah, it sucks but I'm to blame.

If I had to choose just ONE regret in my life, it would be that moment I told him how [him] how I felt about [him]. And now, the damage cannot be undone.

The thing about love...

Basically, it's bullshit.

You ever met someone and y'all start "talking" and getting to know each other? You find out that y'all like each other...a lot. You talk about the future, about marriage, about starting a family and how many kids you want. Your feelings grow into something more and you think, "Finally, this is it. This is my chance."

Then you hear those three damn words that dooms everything to hell. "We're just friends." Now, that someone barely talks to you, even when you just say "hi". It's too late. Your feelings are already stronger. You hold on to that last little bit of hope. A change. But it doesn't happen. Instead, you get that final nail in the coffin. You're left heartbroken and shitted on by this so-called "love".

It happened to me. Twice. In fact, the first time, I had already given my virginity then left feeling non-existent. That was almost 11 years ago, the very last time I ever...did it. This time, it never got to that. No, I just got placed into the friend zone. Then my calls and texts stopped being answered. Even my tweets got no response. I became...invisible.

I've been an emotional wreck lately. I think I did something. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not good enough. It doesn't matter now because I've lost. There's possibly someone else in their picture. How do I handle that? How can I just turn these feelings off? Where's the fucking easy button??? If only I can press "Rewind" to the point that I let him in...and not let him in. If only I knew I was going to get hurt again.

But now, it's not going to happen again. I used to want to experience my first love, my first relationship...the dreams I had. I give up.

Dear Love...

Dear Love, you suck.
You said I'll have my chance with you.
Instead, I'm fucked.
Twice now I've been burned by you.
Thought it was finally happening,
Finally, there was someone for me
Only to have the rug pulled from under my feet.
I've been fooled,
I've been played.
Now I'm left with my heart in pieces,
A stream of tears down my cheek.
All the time I've been waiting
You couldn't wait to knock me down.
I'm tired.
I don't feel like getting back up.
I don't want to try again.
Love, I'm giving up on you, once and for all
Whenever you show your face,
I'm turning you away,
No matter the many good intentions you have.
If all you're going to do is hurt me,
I don't want it.
I don't believe in you anymore.
This day going forward, you're non-existent.
Happiness shouldn't leave me broken
But you did.
I know it won't get better,
I know I'll never get that chance.
So I'm just done.
Fuck you.

-A shattered heart.