Here I Am

I'm standing here, right now
Tall, strong...before your eyes
A fighter, a survivor...surprised?
I bet you are

I'm not supposed to be here
Alive, breathing...
But I'm standing here, right now
Should've been gone a long time ago
I should have taken the easy way out
But I'm standing here, right now

You told me I wouldn't make it
Told me I was weak, a punk
But I'm standing here, right now
You said the world was too big for me
It wouldn't be long before I get crushed
But I'm still standing here, right now

You said I was worthless
That no one would give a damn
I wasn't important
And I guess I'm dumb as hell, too

I would never amount to anything
I didn't have any potential
You had no faith in me
Always so quick to put me down
But I'm standing here, right now

You were a phony friend
That slithering snake hissing in the grass
Backstabbing, conniving
Sure talked a lot of shit

Maybe I was a little weak
And I believed it all, silly me
I was bullied and beaten
Stoned, burned and taken advantage of

It's time I rise to the surface
I'm done drowning
I been through too damn much
Even have to fight myself to win

I'm standing here, right now
My head looking toward the clear blue cloudless sky
I throw my fists up in victory
You heard me....I made it
Here I am

7 years...

08.28.04. Three words changed my life.

Seven years ago, 10:23am CT. UT-Austin Jester West dorm. I woke up and saw my roommate was still out. I was feeling great. I was going to get up, shower, get breakfast and hang with my friends. But 10:26am CT, my phone rang. My cousin was asking if I was up…how was I doing…then said: “She’s gone, man.”

My grandmother succumbed to lung cancer, that had spread to her brain and her bones. How did I take it? Let’s just say I threw the phone across the room. After a couple of minutes, I pulled myself together. My mother was going to need me so I needed to be strong for her and my little brother and sister. Packed and made the 3 hour trip back to Houston.

To this day, I still haven’t completely mourned. I hear her voice, her laughter. I can still smell her. I still wait to hear that surprise knock on the door, to see that 1995 blue Dodge Dynasty pull in the driveway 3 days before Christmas filled with gifts and food, to wake up to the smell of Thanksgiving dinner creeping from the kitchen to the my room.

I left for school. The last thing I ever said to her was “See you later, granny.” The call came a week later.

I miss you.

Coming out: One Year Later

July 4th marked the one year anniversary of my coming out process.

Well, it wasn't really me coming out. Just my mom, sister and brother telling me that they know. But it was a good thing and the start of a better life.

I moved to Atlanta and got a job, met a lot of new people. Made new friends, lost a few. I've gained some confidence, although I could gain more. I was able to learn how to be myself without hiding anymore. I became happier.

I haven't been depressed or thought about taking the easy way out.

What's quite surprising though is how bold I've become. I mean, I'm more outgoing but so bold. Yeah, I've been through a lot of changes.

And change has been great. :)

Okay, let's catch up...

So here's what I been up to:

Working. Tumblr-ing. Tweeting. Facebooking...sorta.

Movies I've caught up on: The Tourist (A+); Harry Potter Part 7.2 (A); X-Men First Class (A); Paranormal Activity 2 (C...but the storyline I give major props for connecting everything); Captain America (B); Jumping The Broom (A...Loretta Divine is a time!); I Am Number Four (D); Due Date (B).

Been shopping...as usual. Mostly shoes. Toms. Vans........................Sperry's. I'm an addict. That's step one.

Been drinking. I'm not an addict. It's in my blood. Runs in the family.

My bestie's friend is moving here. Good times in our future.

I missed posting this but July 6th marked a whole year since my move to Atlanta. I'm an official ATLien now. Woohoo! Love it here.

July 26th marked my whole year of working for...the company that I work for. I'm so proud of myself. And so happy to have a job...although, I do hate it sometimes. Blame the people. My coworkers are great though. They give me soap opera drama. No, seriously...they do. If you only knew...

Let's see...what else?

Oh yeah, I finally got fucked. In a threesome. That's all the deets you need to know.

Bye.

Life & Desires

For us to avoid heartbreak and disappointment, we allow ourselves to never let something that could good for us happen. We do that because of our past experiences; it discourages us. We just give up. We stop trying because we don’t want to deal with it anymore. So we force ourselves to believe that we are happy with the way things are, forgetting the one thing we desire is still in our hearts.
Many will say that we will regret that decision of giving up when we get older but that one thing we desire doesn’t define our lives. Its how we live our lives, experiencing and exploring and having fun. Living…that’s what defines your life.
When you get older, you should be able to look back and say, “I’ve lived a great life with no regrets.” No regrets because you stop putting all your energy into that one desire that keeps disappointing you or breaking your heart & into living. Never think you’re a fool for letting your guard down for anything or anyone. Its because of our past that we have good reason to keep it up.
Trust me, it saves us a lot of tears.

Happy Father's Day to this man...

He may not have been around for most of my life but he made the effort starting 6 years ago. All it matters is he’s there now. I didn’t forget about the past but I do forgive him and put it behind me. He is a great man. Although, he started over by getting married and having 2 more kids…my baby brother and sister (not pictured), he’s made some good changes. He stopped drinking, eased on the smoking and working hard to provide for his 2 babies because he didn’t want to repeat the same mistake he did to us. We are a big family. I love you, Dad.


*this picture is over a year old…I look ew*

I don't think I was wrong...

You came to town to visit your two best friends and celebrate your birthday. Called me 2 days after her 2 best friends had made plans to celebrate another visiting friend's birthday. We planned to work around those plans so we could hang out with our best friend.

But, lo and behold, the night before your party...after leaving the club, I decide to call you to see how far you are from town. You proceed to tell me you don't want our best friend at your party because she's acting "funny and fake". I'm in the car with our best friend. I'm in a bad position and can't say anything.

You've been getting jealous for nothing lately. You're mad because our best friend doesn't call you. Well, the phone works both ways. You have no problem calling me then asking what our friend is up to. You're mad because when you moved to another state, our friend and I became closer after you introduced us, and started hanging out a lot. You feel like we just said FUCK YOU like you didn't matter. It was never like that. Fact is, your name came up every time we hung out. We reminisce our crazy moments with you. We wonder if you were here, what crazy thing you'd say or do. Every single time. We love you.

I heard everything you were telling me that night. I couldn't respond while in the car with our friend. You let jealousy get the best of you. The night before your birthday party, you tell me: "You know what, y'all go have your fun. I don't need y'all at my party." Then hang up...in my face.

The day of your party, you call me. A total of 9 times the whole day. 2 voice mails. 5 text messages. I ignored all of it. You're asking if I'm still coming to your party. If our friend is still coming. You let me know that we were on the guest list. You acted like the night before never happened. And you want to know if I'm coming...

You know what? Hell to the no. You basically told me to kiss your ass. You acted like an immature high school child. I don't entertain that drama shit. So no, I didn't go to your party. I love you but, my dear, you need to grow up.

ATL Diaries: (re)Virginity...gone.

Yeah I been kind of busy. So much that I didn't get to tell y'all all about me finally getting some dick.

Yes...after a long (double digit) time period...(no need for you to know exactly how long)...I finally got some DACK!!! (no, I didn't misspell it. I meant DACK...that's DICK with over-excitement)

We did everything short of penetration. I'm kind of glad though because he was huge and thick, and I don't think I was ready to take something that big yet.

I deepthroated. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be considering I have a gag reflex but I can work on that. I was surprised when he let me do something I've never in my life thought I'd ever do: eat him out. I did pretty well if I say so myself. Hell, he LOVED it. And he let me tease his hole with my dick head. That felt so good I wanted to just start fucking him but I didn't. While I did that, at the same time, I saw his dick just laying there, so I started sucking it. I think maybe I can be good at this topping thing. New mission: become a VERS.

And when I say he worked his tongue on me...talk about OVERDRIVE!!!

I'm getting horny enough to start playing with myself just talking about it. I'm gonna leave y'all with that.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off straight...

I’ve always had girls who wanted to date me but were disappointed to know that I’m gay. My whole life without dating or a relationship…I’ve liked so many guys but can’t seem to get one that likes me or wants to be with me.

But then again, I don’t think I’d be able to like the fish. I'll stick with the dicks.

Maybe I'm over-thinking...

Sometimes I find myself questioning my friendship with others. I wonder if they really consider me as a friend or maybe they're just being nice but don't give a damn at all. When I call a person my friend, I mean that. I never use that term loosely.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm annoying to my friends. Maybe they don't want to be bothered with me. I start reading between the lines and get that feeling they may be saying to themselves, "Why is this nigga talking to me?" or "What this bitch want now?" I get the vibe that they don't really want to talk and that I should leave them alone.

I'm usually always the one that hits them up, the one that speaks first. Then that awkward moment happens until or when they respond. Then there's the awkward moment when it seems like I just don't fit in. Then there's the moment when I feel like I haven't been a good friend. Then there's the moment when I share something with a friend and I lose that friend.

I really don't like the feeling that everybody that I think of as a friend could possibly not think of me as the same. I love all of my friends, unconditionally. No matter what, I'll be there for them when they need me.

Why I always do this to myself, I don't know. Maybe I'm just reading too much into things that I'm just really reaching. I hope that's the case...