ATL Diaries: Where I Am...

I feel so at peace and less stressed now that my apartment is clean and nearly bare as if I just moved in. Glad I cleaned it yesterday.

Today was pretty good. Actually, as a whole, I am feeling much better. Optimistic and ready to make things HAPPEN. Especially for this bare ass apartment. I finally figured the color scheme for my living room and dining areas. I think I'll start painting this summer. 

Today was also casual day for my job, so no uniforms. I apparently was the best looking because everybody was complimenting, even my crush made it a point to tell me how good I looked. Insert blush here.

I've been on the hunt for a new job for the past 2 months. So far, nothing yet. But I'm going to keep trying. The sooner I can get something with better pay, the better I can feel financially comfortable. 

Oh, and my bestie and I are about to start having some fun come June. It's time.

I notice everything...

And by everything, I literally mean everything. I notice when someone stops hitting me up like they used to. I notice when the way someone talks to me starts changing. I notice the little things that people do, and the little things they used to do. I notice when things change, and when it’s no longer the same. I notice every single little detail. I just don't say anything. 

This is completely relevant to my life. [No, I didn't come up with this; it's copy and paste. Deal with it.]

The sad thing is that sometimes, after you've gone your way and let them be, they will suddenly speak to you out of the blue. To them, it's like nothing's changed. Well, actually, you did. They'll call you "stranger", say you don't talk no more and ask why you're acting funny.

Because I don't go out...

My best friend told me that because I don't go out, I'm missing out on meeting someone that could potentially be my first "love". 

I don't go out because I have responsibilities and priorities. My first place on my own...that comes with a lot of bills. Student loans gotta be paid, too. 

So yeah, my ass stays home when I'm not working. Hell, I hadn't been shopping in 6 months...and I'm going crazy about that, lol. If I had a better job that pays better then I'd go out from time to time. But it wouldn't be for looking for a potential someone to string me along and fool me like all the other ones did. I'm over all of that shit.

Flaws and all...

I’m so over letting my insecurities get the best of me.

It’s time I finally get over that. From here on out, I’m going to try my damn best to just embrace every flaw I have. I’m going to love me for ME.

Imperfect teeth? I’ll love them. 

Big nose? I love it. 

Every roll and jiggly flab? I embrace it all………until I get in shape.

I’ve realized I don’t have to be sexy or handsome or look like these guys we reblog and gag over. 

I’m just going to be ME, dammit. Flaws and all.

I’m still going to get in shape though…

Love doesn't live here...

A few months ago, I said I have given up on love.

It seems like suddenly, I'm seeing and hearing all this talk about "love" everywhere. Texts, phone, twitter, tumblr, facebook...you name it. Everybody is either looking for it or found it. Even if it isn't love, they're bragging about being "boo'ed up".

I'm not really bitter about it. I actually genuinely smile for those that found their "love". It makes me happy to see most people still searching for it, and I admire them for not giving up. But for myself, I no longer have this feeling of desire or longing for love. No longer do I believe in love, and after my past experiences trying and hoping to find it, I don't think I'll ever believe again.

Drifting...

I've been distancing myself from everyone lately.

I'm at this point where I'm not feeling anybody. They've all become too...phony, for the lack of a better word. I'm not really surprised about it anymore. People have shown their true colors. The vibes I've been getting, especially from the same people as before. You know they say, "Go with your gut." Well, this feeling has been using my gut as a punching bag and now I'm paying attention.

People that used to fuck with me, don't do so anymore. Some of them will speak if I initiate the conversation, which really isn't a conversation when I feel as though they're replying out of obligation or that I'm forcing them to communicate. A lot of them, I haven't spoken to in a long while. Frankly, I don't give a damn to. Not anymore. Hell, if anyone wants to talk, they know how to reach me.

I used to sit around and think, "Okay, what did I do? Did I say something? Are they mad at me?" Well, you know what, I'm not the problem. People just don't know how to be real anymore. What I give is what I am. I'm not here to be a part time friend for hire when it's convenient for anyone. Fake a friendship? No ma'am, fuck that. I refuse to be in for just a season.

There are best friends I can go days without talking yet it will always be as if we hang out every single day. There's a best friend that if for one day he hadn't heard from me, he'll text me to make sure I'm okay and assured me that I'll never have to question our friendship. I realize that these are the only people I need in my life. Yeah, my circle just got smaller. Avoiding facebook. Twitter deactivated; in this moment, I feel like letting it completely delete after the 30 days. We'll see then. 

I'm just over it all. There comes a time when you realize you don't need anybody. Just yourself and you'll be fine. Well...*cues "Me, Myself and I"*...time for my life to take a vacation from it all.Good time for some wine...

Beautiful Sunrise

Shuffles from behind

A little stir in the sheets

Your arm embrace me

 

Tingles all over

As your skin contacts with mine

A high, this moment

Soft as cotton balls

Your lips exploring the nape

My sweet spot, my neck

I turn to face you

Gaze into your hazel eyes

Piercing through my soul

Je t'adore, you say

Je veux être avec toi

My soul fills with warmth

A kiss of passion

Your hands caressing my face

As we become one

As a light shines through

You embrace me as we watch

Beautiful sunrise.

Whitney Elizabeth Houston

I wasn't ready to do this post.

But after today, the truth finally set in.

Whitney is gone.

She is now in her eternal home.

Words cannot express how I feel right now,

so I won't try.

The tears have been shed.

In a way, I've lost a friend.

I will always look to you for strength,

for courage,

for love,

for faith and believing.

I will always love you, Whitney...

I miss you.

Lame.

I know I’m not popular.

I’m not as outgoing or out there. 

Maybe I’m not even THAT funny.

But I thought I was cool people.

Easy going, fun to be around.

But…someone called me “lame”. 

Never have I ever been called such thing.

I thought I was far from it.

They weren’t joking either.

I spent the past 2 years building my confidence…

Becoming the person I am today…

…now, it’s cracked.

Posed the question to a friend - a bestie - “Am I lame?”

That was 14 hours ago…no response.

Now I wonder how everyone feels…

Especially now when it seems my "friends" have been distant lately...

I don't know what love is...

I don't know what love feels like.

I love my family and friends; I just never had THAT love.
I don't know it.

You know, THAT love you see people gush and blush about.
THAT love where you can't talk about him or her without trying to hide your smile.
Supposedly THAT love when you start to miss him or her yet it hadn't been 24 hours since you last saw them.

The one that makes your pulse race and your heart skip beats.
That sends a chill down your spin the moment your skin contacts.

All of that sappy stuff. I shudder even to think about it.

I doubt if I ever get the chance to experience it.

Frankly, I pretty much don't care to know what love is.

2012 - Bring It On...

I've made some adjustments in 2011. Accomplished some goals. Left behind some more drama and unnecessary people.

Now I'm looking forward to 2012. I'm looking forward to conquer more goals. I want to travel more. On my list so far is the Bahamas, DC and NY. If I can, I'll squeeze in N.O. and another trip to Miami. I still need to head to the west coast since I still haven't been that way yet but I'll save that for later. I have to get my bestie over her fear of flying.

Now that I have my apartment, I'm looking forward to some wheels. Marta takes up a lot of time in transit between work and home. That's why I hardly go anywhere else. In this city, you NEED a frickin' car.

I've caught up on my student loans and got myself out of default. Next step, school. Since I just moved, it ain't happening in January. But I'll be damned if summer comes and goes before I get into somebody's class. I got a degree to finish working for and a stage to cross, and I'm not stopping until that happens.

I know I said I gave up on love but there seems to be this little small teeny tiny part of me that keeps holding on to it. I need to get "love" out of my system completely. I don't see love in my future at all. Mostly, because I refuse to open myself up to the possibility ever again. I'm perfectly content with myself.

And I'm going to make working out an everyday priority. Well...almost every day. I've been slowly slimming down a bit so it's time to get started again. Need to tone up and get rid of some man boobs and love handles. Oh and I have to work on the ass a little more. I don't have a damn half a cake back there at the moment.

I may get a second job. Or maybe find one that pays more my worth and skill. I do love the hotel business though. Especially at a hotel in the middle of Midtown Atlanta.

And lastly, I might try this grindr thing out again and open myself to meeting people. Not for hook up reasons either. It seems that's all the gays are looking for these days.

The Best of 2011

Albums:

1. Adele - 21
2. Beyonce - 4
3. Jay-Z & Kanye West - Watch The Throne
4. Jill Scott - Light of the Sun
5. Chris Brown - F.A.M.E.
6. Marsha Ambrosius - Late Nights...Early Mornings
7. Kelly Clarkson - Stronger
8. Big Sean - Finally Famous
9. Robin Thicke - Love After War
10. Kelly Rowland - Here I Am

Songs....well, there are too many so:

1. Adele - Someone Like You
2. Kelly Rowland - Motivation
3. Miguel - Quickie
4. Rihanna - We Found Love
5. Beyonce - 1+1
6. Chris Brown - Beautiful People
7. Jay-Z & Kanye West - Niggas In Paris
8. Kirk Franklin - I Smile
9. Jill Scott - Hear My Call
10. Adele - Rolling In The Deep
11. Beyonce featuring Andre 3000 - Party
12. Lady Gaga - The Edge of Glory
13. Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera - Moves Like Jagger
14. Miguel - Sure Thing
15. Marsha Ambrosius - Far Away
16. Jay-Z & Kanye West - Otis featuring Otis Redding
17. Beyonce - End Of Time
18. Katy Perry - Firework
19. Chris Brown featuring Busta Rhymes and Lil Wayne - Look At Me Now
20. Mary J. Blige - Living Proof

Movies:

1. The Help
2. X-Men: First Class
3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
4. Bridesmaids
5. Fast Five
6. The Rise of the Planet of the Apes
7. Columbiana
8. Kung Fu Panda 2
9. Puss In Boots
10. Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Disclaimer: This is my opinion. Deal with it.

Alone at Christmastime

This is my first Christmas alone. Ever.

Moving into my new place this week is the reason I'm not going home this year. Moving makes you broke.

My mom, sister and niece would have come but they're not able to make it, unfortunately. And my bestie here doesn't celebrate for religious reasons. Plus we both don't have funds to go out lol.

But oh well. All I'll be doing is sleeping, eating pizza, calling the fam and watching movies on my laptop.

There's no Christmas spirit around me at all.

The bright side...NO SNOW!!

So Merry Christmas and all that shit to y'all.

Mission Accomplished...

So I got my own place...finally.

Earlier this week, I finally made the move to accomplish a goal I set for myself earlier in the year. It took some time and research, especially since I needed a place on a MARTA route that could get me to work on time but I made it happen. Of course, there was a little adjustment to that plan that I was hoping to go for but obstacles hindered that, unfortunately.

It's my very first time having a place of my own, for myself by myself. And I am PROUD of myself.

It's really quiet though. TOO quiet.

Thank goodness I have a laptop and a USB wifi thingy for some "innanets".

I have no television or furniture though. May get the TV someday soon. Furniture's coming for free though, lol.

In the meantime, I'll just lay here in the middle of my living room floor on a pallet and come up with color schemes for each room...

Side note: I really wish I could have been able to go the roomie route with one of my best buddies...because it's just TOO quiet lol.

Family Rock

My grandmother and aunts.

Nothing like strong black Creole women that keeps a big...and I mean BIG...family together.

The 2nd from the right is my 2nd mom. To think, just 4 months ago, she was knocking on death's door.

Sigh...

Suddenly, I find myself liking someone. Him...a lot.
But...I've given up on the love & relationship thing.
I'm done with it. Nothing but games, it is.

Should I tell him? Yes, you'll say.
He'll never know though. To my grave, my feelings will go.

Hurt, rejected, disappointed. Led on...
Once was already enough.
But thrice? I'm over love.

Miss out on holding him, kissing him, making love...
Cuffin' season, a "boo"...?
I'm good. Can't miss something I never had.

And the worst part?
He lives in my hometown...half a country away.

Yeah, I'm happy enough as is.
I'll get over it...

Road to 27...

Looking back on the last year of my life as I approach the 27th anniversary of my world debut (yes, I said world debut), I would like to acknowledge the growth and progress that I've made to get where I am now.

Yes, I know I talk too much about mu problems and growth and all that but I don't give a damn so you're just going to have to deal with it.

This time last year I had just come out to my extended family and friends, still struggling with how to live my life as an openly gay man, coming to terms with who I am and adjusting to life in a new city. Yeah, there were some huge changes. But the changes didn't stop there.

I've become more open and outgoing, so much that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. No longer am I this shy guy. I say the firs thing that come to mind, which I better chill out before that gets me into trouble. I've been working to become more independent. I'm living my life and loving the hell out of it. Like everyone I know, I continue to discover a new side of me. Half the time, it shocks the hell out of me.

This last year ha taught me so much about friends and the people I'm supposed to trust. Sometimes you really don't know people and what they can do, and before you know it, you'll end up on the receiving end of bullshit. It taught me a lesson. After re-evaluating some of the relationships in my life, I learned that keeping a smaller circle is best. Some people I had to let go. Some were easy, some weren't. There were a few who showed their true character that made it easy. I had to eliminate the unnecessary drama because there was no place for it in my life anymore. So my circle is small. All I need are my besties: my girls Kena and Nikki, and my crazy bestie bitches Randy, Marcus and Steven. I love them all. The greatest group of best friends I could ever ask for. I honestly really don't want to know what would happen if we were all in the same room together. o_O

I also learned a lot about love. It's all a game. It's bullshit. I pretty much don't believe in it anymore. I mean, for other people, I do but for myself? I don't believe in it. After dealing with all the guys I've come across and the way they treated me, lied or whatever, I'm just done. My walls are back up and staying there. No more believing what any guy says to me. If there ever is a guy that actually means what he says comes my way, he's going to have a hard time trying to get through to me. Good luck with that.

Oh, and 2 of the best additions in my life ----> Jody and Dylan (search the blog lol). Hey, I'm exploring. Well...that and actually getting some.

Every day that you live is a lesson. C'est la vie, che.

Meet Dylan.

Good times ahead.

Here I Am

I'm standing here, right now
Tall, strong...before your eyes
A fighter, a survivor...surprised?
I bet you are

I'm not supposed to be here
Alive, breathing...
But I'm standing here, right now
Should've been gone a long time ago
I should have taken the easy way out
But I'm standing here, right now

You told me I wouldn't make it
Told me I was weak, a punk
But I'm standing here, right now
You said the world was too big for me
It wouldn't be long before I get crushed
But I'm still standing here, right now

You said I was worthless
That no one would give a damn
I wasn't important
And I guess I'm dumb as hell, too

I would never amount to anything
I didn't have any potential
You had no faith in me
Always so quick to put me down
But I'm standing here, right now

You were a phony friend
That slithering snake hissing in the grass
Backstabbing, conniving
Sure talked a lot of shit

Maybe I was a little weak
And I believed it all, silly me
I was bullied and beaten
Stoned, burned and taken advantage of

It's time I rise to the surface
I'm done drowning
I been through too damn much
Even have to fight myself to win

I'm standing here, right now
My head looking toward the clear blue cloudless sky
I throw my fists up in victory
You heard me....I made it
Here I am

Interracial? Me? Hmm...

Funny, I just thought about this.

Me, dating outside my race. A sexy white dude. Maybe Italian or Latino. Never Asian though. Like, I thought about how I've only liked black guys and the only ones I've talked to in hopes of finally getting my first boyfriend or relationship with but it never happened. After being rejected, disappointed, heartbroken and all that other blahzay blahzay...I just gave up on it all. Until just a moment ago.

For a split second, I thought that maybe I need to try talking to guys outside my own race. Maybe it would be better. Maybe one of those guys would actually LIKE me or make the effort to try to be with me instead of spitting bullshit game and leading me on. I love my bruthas but the way they act has completely turned me off trying this dating shit.

I know, I know. They're not ALL the same. But it's just there haven't been ONE brutha I've met that actually wanted to make more than just 'something' happen. By 'something', I mean sex. It seems that's all they want. And that comes with prerequisites: you have to be a certain shade, size, height, build, length and girth, and packing in the trunk. Compared to the ones I see around, I can't even compete at all.

Yeah, I've broken out of my shell and became more open and outgoing but I've already given up on wasting my time with dudes. Yes, ALL dudes. I love my bruthas too much to ditch them for another race.

Maybe I should just get some cats...