ATL Diaries: The first week...

I'm starting my new life in Atlanta. So far, I haven't done much. I did meet my future co-workers and the boss. Had some of the soul food that gave me the serious case of the "itis". I live in Midtown, about 5 to 10 minutes down the street from CNN headquarters, Phillips Arena and the Georgia Dome. In fact, I can see all three from my place. Great view. I can't wait to start hitting up the malls and clubs. One club I want to go to is Traxx because I hear so much about it. I'm finally being myself. Oh yeah, I spent an evening with a special person, finally meeting him for the first time. Could something happen? Stay tuned...

I'm not alone...

This past Sunday night (Fourth of July), my best friend and my mom threw me a going away party. It was amazing spending my last full day in Houston with my friends and family before I leave to Atlanta. As the evening winded down, my mom gathered my siblings and I into a room for a private discussion. My little brother walked out because he was "hurt". I didn't know what that was about but it was now just my mom, my sister and me. Next thing I knew, my worst fear was happening. They told me that they knew. They knew everything. I was scared, my heart started beating faster and my breathing began to speed up. A few weeks ago, my sister accidentally came across a four-page paper that I had written when I was having a bad moment. She had read it. She found out how I felt with everything I had been through in the past. She found out I was molested as a child by a family member I trusted...one I looked up to. (I didn't include the person's name) She found out that I felt alone and scared, that it seemed like I had nobody to be there for me. She found out...that I'm gay. My sister told my mom and brother about the note. They didn't care about the part about my sexuality. What hurt them the most was the fact that I had gotten to a point where I wanted to leave this life. Yes, I had also wrote about killing myself so I wouldn't have to deal with my family hating me. That part is what mattered to them. They assured me that I should have just told them the truth and that nothing would be different. All of them still love me no matter what. They accept me for who I am, and want what's best for me. They just want me to be who I am and not have to hide from them anymore. In fact, my sister thought me being gay was cool, lol. As for the person that did what they had done to me, my mom won't pressure me into telling their identity. She's leaving that up to me, if and when I feel that the time is right. However, I don't think she'd be able to handle it. I wouldn't be able to handle telling her. So it turned out that this was the reason my brother was hurt. He told me if he found how who it was, he'd kill them. This is my little bro, who I raised while my mom worked numerous jobs. I'm sitting here right now with tears in my eyes, remembering that look he had in his eyes. 

I feel relieved now, to know that my family has my back and that I am loved. I'm no longer faced with the fear of having to come out to them. I love them, and I've been saying this so much, but I'm going to miss them. As I leave for ATL tonight, I don't have to worry about them worrying about me. As for my extended family, I don't have to tell them (my fam is leaving that up to me). If they find out then they find out. Besides, my immediate family are the only ones that matter.

Day 4 and 5

Day 4 - Your siblings:

To my older lil bro and sis: I don’t think anybody has the kind of bond as siblings we have. We fuss and we fight but at the end of the day, we all laugh. If there was an argument, two seconds later we’re there for each other. I wouldn’t trade you guys for anything in the world. Nothing and no one will ever come between us. Even though we’ll now be halfway across the country apart, my love and our bond will never change. You are two of the greatest people in my life ever. I love you guys so much and I always will. I hope y’all will come visit me sometimes.

To my baby bro and sis: You guys are still pretty young and getting to know me as I’m getting to know you. I’m still trying to get used to having such young siblings. It’s weird though because I’m old enough to be your dad, lol. For 20 years, I only had to deal with just two, and now I have two more. What in the world am I going to do? At least we’re off to a good start, so far. Even though I won’t be in Houston anymore, I’m still going to make sure you guys have whatever you need and that all five of us remain close. I’ll still be your big brother and I’m only a call away. Of course, me and the older ones will make sure y’all don’t do the same crazy things we did. Y’all have to do something crazier, lol. I love y’all.

Day 5 - Your Dreams

I’ve always wanted to become an Obstetrician/Gynecologist. Nooooo, it’s not because I want to look at pussy all day. I get annoyed when people say that, lol. Although, that ain’t too bad. I realized this dream when I was in middle school and it’s something that I became passionate about. Of course, I need to hurry up and finish undergrad so I can get my ass to med school. But I’d rather take my time right now. I’m currently on a journey that can take me anywhere. I’m enjoying life. Fuck being a robot zombie.

Day 3 - Your parents

Mom: Gosh, you are THE most amazing woman I admire most in this world. I swear there is no one  else that can even come close. You did it all by yourself, raising three children. You are a strong black woman and you’ve worked hard to get where you are now. Your love, your caring and nurturing, and disciplining lol…all helped shaped me into the man I am today. You taught me to be respectable, well-mannered and independent, to stand up for myself and speak what I believe in. As shy as I used to be, nothing can keep my mouth shut now, lol. There are times I should have listened to you, now that I look back, but sometimes I have to do things and learn on my own. In the end, I always turned out all right. I know how much you love me that you don’t even need to say it. We’ve had our differences but because of our special bond that goes beyond mother and son, we can always get past them. You are my rock. You’ve been there when I needed you all my life and now I’m leaving, going to live in another state. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you but I know I’ll be okay. I know you are proud of me but I feel like I still have a long way to go. I love you, Mom.

Dad “Papi”: I might not have much to say to you whenever we’re together but I do love you, no matter what. I wish we had a better relationship than what we have now but at least we were working on it. If only I didn’t have to leave. I wish you would have been there for me all those years though. You’re a strong man. No matter how much life knocked you down, you always got back up. You’ve been given another chance to change things. I love my stepmom and little baby brother and sister. You’re doing so much better in your life now and you’re making it work. No matter what, I’m proud of you for making the effort.

Day 2 - Letter to your crush

{UknowWhoUare}

I really, really, really, REALLY like you a lot, which you already know, lol. I’ve enjoyed talking to you and getting to know you these past 3 months. My day feels complete whenever I hear from you. Anytime we don’t have contact, I feel incomplete. All I can think about is you, no matter what I’m doing. It just puts a smile on my face. I hope soon we’ll finally start our future together. :)

New Beginnings...

Atlanta, here I come!

I still can't believe this is actually happening. I'm really leaving the only place I called home since birth: Houston. It will always be my home and I will miss it so much. Everybody's there: my family and friends, acquaintances. *I'm not gonna cry*sniffles* H-town will always be the best...despite Rick Perry, the "Teabaggers" *lmao* and some ghetto country bumpkins. I'll miss the beautiful skyline, trail rides in the middle of the hood, the daily schizophrenic weather, Dave Ward and them, um...well, Astroworld has been gone 5 years already but I'll still miss that like I do to this day. Some restaurants. Oh, especially the Mexican food. No other state can do Mexican like Texas; it's the closest to the REAL thing you'll ever get. Shit, the right restaurant probably IS the real thing, lol. What else: being an hour away from the beaches, Schlitterbaughn (however that place is spelled), the Houston-Dallas rivalry, Rockets games (screw the Texans and Astros), voting for Bill White (Dem) for governor. I'm gonna have to learn everything about Atlanta. By the way, I'll never be a Hawks or Falcons fan. I mean, honestly, they suck. Love me or hate me, I'm a Cowboys and Rockets fan til the day I die. *Atliens probably hate me already lol*

Does it snow in ATL often? I only like snow every four years. Houston thing.

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 1 - Your Best Friend

{Nikki} All I can say is thank you. Knowing you for the past three years have been the best and I thank God for bringing you into my life. In fact, it’s funny we have the same cousins and crossed paths so many times before we actually met, lol. I’ve had a couple of best friends in my life but you have been the best yet. We shared so much laughter and so many tears between us. You’ve been there for me through whatever, even if I didn’t want you there. You’re the greatest there is. Even if you get on my last nerves and annoy the heck out of me sometimes {often…very, very often}, I will always love you for sticking it out with me and my crazy personality. You’ve gotten to know me, more than what my own family does. Sometimes, though, it seems like you need a manual, lol. No matter what happened between us, our friendship prevailed. I want you to know that I do care, though it may seems as if I don’t. Now it seems that I’m going to be leaving (if I get things settled in time). I want you to know, whatever happens from here on out, I’ll always be there for you - my ears and my shoulders, and I hope you’ll do the same for me. I may not tell you everything, seem so mysterious (which I like to be) and secretive (you ain’t gotta know err’thang lol) but I hope one day you’ll FINALLY understand me completely and why I’m that way. You are the TRUEST friend there is and I hate when you’re taken advantage of. Just remember everything I tell you when you’re going through something and you’ll be alright. I love you bestie and I appreciate you very much.

AJ